This is her story.
She was observant, with a kind nature and an eccentric personality. Her face was a pale white and her hair a smoky brown. Her blue-grey eyes glistened through shreds of broken glass, broken glass that correlated with her fragmented self esteem. She was not a narcissist but she had traits of narcissm from her father.
Her father was a businessman who had a charming and proactive front but would act aggressively to those who crossed his path. Money meant everything to him. He wanted fame. He wanted luxury. He wanted his daughter to be ‘just like him.’ A clone. She often stepped on eggshells to avoid exposing her father’s weak side – the side where he would project his opinions into the placid mind of his daughter who fought so effortlessly for peace. Peace within her surroundings. Her dissociation began as a toddler. Whatever she experienced in her early years affected her personal development except her memories had not been remembered so she wondered through life, with empathy, holding pain on her shoulders for the world to see. She kept a strong face because she knew. She knew she could read other’s hidden motives. She knew of the stigmatisation of the vulnerable exterior except her father had a vulnerable interior. She knew her father had an illness and understood his but he could never understand hers.
One night I sat there contemplating my ‘depression’ thinking why do I feel depressed when I have many things going for me? Why do I experience mood swings and shifts in my perspective? Why I feel lost without a source of comfort in times of need.
I thought up an idea as I was researching how to ease anxiety…
Create a personal project:
So how do we measure mood? Well, the answer is quite simple…
1. Create a two week routine diary and template recording sleep patterns, medication
2. Add a column and a row with the title mood
3. Add a column and a row with the title situation
4. Record your moods in the column
Don’t forget to add the times and dates!!
The aim of this exercise is to establish whether sociology factors are responsible for the way you feel or biological factors. It helps to distinguish between biological mental health and sociological mental health.
Altruism is doing good for others without expecting anything in return. Only 1% of the population is altruistic statistically. This is why so many altruistic people are criticised for their warmth, their openness, their values and their heartfelt emotions. It’s not a weakness it’s a sign of strength.
I want to do voluntary work for others no matter how hard life has knocked me down, or how many people have left me alone, or whatever I’ve lost in my life. I still have hope in my heart. A hope for a better future. An end of mental health stigma. An end to the suffering. But I’m pro-development. Pro-efficient. I’m capable 💙
This is his story.
He walked towards the mirror and knealt down on the night of a full moon, it’s reflection mirrored in the glass. He stopped. His inner evaluative speech triggered his thoughts to reconcile the attachment developments he experienced as a child as he remembered all he had courageously fought through; the mirror having no idea of his hot cognition and the thoughts scraping within his frontal lobe, illogical but overwhelming in deep thinking and solitude.
His eyes were an ombré hazel with a white grey lining, luminous with a dark purple centre. His hair an eerie black, full and fine, flowing discreetly past is pale crimson forehead. His nose, a burnt shade of red, pressed against the pane creating a smear of condensated matter.
He peered more deeply.
It wasn’t a mirror or a glass – it was an icy pool of cold moods, his tears icicles of winter snow, his body a sculpture of stillness. It wasn’t a shop window he was peering into – it was a frozen lake. The lake. The lake of death as they call it. The lake that takes the minds of many suffering so quietly, so elegantly, the lake that has created blessings, the lake a pool of a thousand diamonds. Diamonds that couldn’t speak up about their feelings. Diamonds that so swiftly declined and deteriorated due to the pressures of living within a tormented mind with a soft soul. His soul a powerful reminder of his pressured self-esteem – his body so bare.
Oh how someone would help him, but no one could be seen.
Have you ever looked around you and people all stable and laughing, the walls closing in on you, the hallways swallowing your mind whole, like you’re pushing yourself through quicksand, like your brain is slow and grounded, like you have no control over your anger? In the lowest moments do you sit there and listen to the vibrations of the brain looking at the world in a different way, like the sand meets the shore of the strongest tide, a mind that never stops. A mind that never stops writing, a mind that never stops thinking, a mind that is positive but a brain as a competitor fighting for survival – the soul telling you to stay strong and have hope, the world around you getting tired of listening to your inner pain, the world around you believing you don’t appreciate what you have except you do but it’s not you that’s ill. It’s your brain. Except you know this. After many failures you’re aware of this but you stay strong, you keep at your goals and aspirations because it gives you hope and you give hope to others experiencing the same things. You pace, you sit and wonder, wonder what went wrong, wonder why your ears hear differently, your eyes see the world in a different way. You just wonder. Wonder why the stable mind can’t understand how you feel because they haven’t been there. They haven’t been where you are. It’s okay not to be okay. You may not be perfect, you may not have made good decisions in the past but your brain has a power. A power beyond your wildest thoughts. It’s a brain with passion, a brain with emphasis, a brain that has a better insight of reality.
Dissociation means to disconnect from one’s reality to survive further interpersonal trauma. It means to disconnect from our physical and emotional experience. It is the art of those who have experienced trauma. It’s a spaced out motion encapsulating our deepest negative memories and fears – we access our episodic memory in detail. It is a survival mechanism – our mind and body’s way of saying we have too much stress in our lives. Depersonalisation often coincides with dissociation as we lose control of our behaviour as we try and consolidate our negative experiences. Whether we are aware of it or not our minds as a borderline personality are constantly trying to find the balance to get back to a normal level of functioning and back to the here and now. We value ourselves as who we are in our hearts 💙📝
If you’re feeling depressed listen to a piece of music that is the opposite of the way you feel – this can shift you into mania, feel your thoughts multiplying feel yourself achieveing and being capable of anything, see so many bright colours, so many lights, do so many magnificent things even when your mood is low. Crazy right?
In the midst of it all you just want to take control and tell yourself to stop but you can’t. It’s so euphoric it feels amazing but depressing at the same time. Is that even possible?
“I can’t help myself it’s human nature, human nature, who says who we are meant to be” – Zara Larsson
You can love the world in a moment. You love the way it’s constructed. You love the different shapes of the buildings. The buzzing of the brain, the prefrontal cortex battling with your soul saying just stop and your soul saying stabilise and calm down please but you just can’t. You just want to Write. Write. Write. You’re enjoying the atmosphere but it’s amaking you agitated and irritable at the same time. You can feel the episodes getting worse but it’s so amazing. You know what you’re dealing with within yourself so you just write and write and write to take off that aggravated edge. Who knew mood swings could be so painful and magnificent at the same time.