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The thinking of the borderline.

Hours upon hours you daydream in to space; clusters of stars in your vision and anxiety in your core.

Then Silence. Then anticipation. Then sleep. 

You wake up in pain, afraid of what will happen next, feeling guilt about your mistakes, waiting for the next person to abandon you or pick on you.

And then it happens. 

You begin to feel worthless. That somebody you exposed your raw emotions to walked out on you. The colleague from work you trusted despises you. You start putting yourself down wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. Wondering if you’ll ever be the ideal image for someone else.

Ironic isn’t it? The “ideal self”; what is ideal anyway? You use projection as a survival tool which others find so paralyzing to understand because your pain is magnified to an intensity and projected in the outside environment as well as within the cobwebs of your synapses.

It’s important to know that borderlines don’t have an “Ideal Image”. They split and struggle to find a singular identities. Notice how I say identities?

Because the borderline is constantly shifting between their goals and aspirations. They’re psychotic symptoms during periods of extreme stress are mocked by the very people who are supposed to help them. How are they supposed to accept their emotions and moods need treating if you mock them for feeling a certain way because a borderline unintentionally gets angry and enters a crisis where they become detached from reality consumed in their very thoughts that tore them down to begin with.

A pillow soaked in tears and a disappearing friends list;

A feeling of self-blame and then suddenly outwardly blaming others believing that people are plotting to hurt them … and then someone does hurt them. They say horrible things. The borderline becomes self-reflected, alienated and lonely. A loss within oneself. Remembering traumatic memories. The brain vibrating at different levels of mood whilst your body floats in despairing emotions.

This is the borderline pain.

 

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Things the government can do to improve mental health:

1. Fund the social services and NHS

2. Stop the cuts of the disabled and the vulnerable.

3. Invest in a mental health allowance so during crisis instead of a company paying statutory sick pay the government can pay mental health allowance.

4. All pip and ESA assessments done by a medical professional and psychiatrist so people aren’t playing the system.

5. Build 24 hour mental health safe units for people to go to when they are in crisis and suicidal rather than spending months on waiting lists.

6. Provide social services with mental health training support because sociology and psychiatry are two different worlds and knowledge is power.

 

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BPD and CPTSD are the same condition…here’s why.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD are often mistaken for one another.

Growing up I was bullied, endured repetitive abuse, became anxious, had a fear of people but it came to my attention recently what if these two conditions are the same condition?

Let me explain this from an ‘out of the box’ point of view. When you make a recipe such as spaghetti bolognese the ingredients you add or don’t add change the taste. Borderline Personality Disorder is described as originating from trauma and abuse whereas other personality disorders are described as existing before the age of four.

Why is CPTSD consistently mistaken for BPD but not any other diagnoses or personality disorders?

Is there a cure for the borderline afterall?

What if we change the recipe of the treatment methods…would we get different results? Yes, we would.

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How do you want to be loved?

My idea of a relationship is someone who will never give up on you no matter how hard it is, someone who appreciates you for your flaws, someone who enjoys walks in nature with a kind loving heart, someone who thinks of me as worthy rather than an option.

Although we all dream of this the reality is quite lonesome. I’ve stayed single for an extremely long time because what I look for in a person are the emotions that money can not buy. In this society people expect you to not have any baggage, to bounce from one person to the next when I cannot be that person and I won’t. I will not have multiple relationships under any circumstances because that isn’t stability.

I haven’t met the right one yet and people say to me all the time that I’m beautiful and someone will be lucky to have me and I’ll find someone easily. If there’s no connection I will not sleep with them or waste my time because the last thing this world needs is any more broken hearts.

Yes I’m a borderline, it doesn’t mean we jump from relationship to relationship because we don’t. We stand and we deal. We fight for ourselves. We fight for love, compassion and to bring this world back to a sociable, loving state.

I have no apologies for who I am.

This is me.

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Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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The Low Mood

From the naked eye you see a smile

A delightful smile of a woman who has everything

What you don’t see are the bricks within the decorated walls

The bricks that weigh down her emotions

The bricks that fall on her heavy as she sleeps

You can’t see the bricks she holds within herself

So you judge, you assume, you scoff

It doesn’t hurt to be a little kind

For a mental health illness is heavy

Not a personal failure or a mistake

Mental health isn’t a means for ridicule

Mental health should be a means for recovery

 

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Forest Imagery

Allow your soul to feel the warmth of the summer air as you close your eyes and imagine an exotic beach surrounded by fields of sunflowers and dandelions dancing in alignment with the velvet green grass.

Your soul feels passion, it feels delight, it is the symphony of the milk way, an inner warmth that only you can feel.

Really close your eyes. Imagine the blazing hot sun shimmering between the trees separating the path from the shadows, forests of soilders standing guard of engraved copper caves watching over the sea guiding the ships and its sailors.

Imagine a safe spot within the forest where you can let go of your thoughts, a feeling of self-control and self-comfort listening to the echoes of natures most glorious species.

A lighthouse with a light bearing a ninety degree view of the soft white sand.

Breathe in an out slowly but deeply for five minutes whilst imaging the beauty of the forest. The forest by the shore.

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Symbols & Indoctrinations

One way to separate an individual from a mental health label is to ask them their values. 

Values are what separates each individual retrospectively. For example, one person may choose to live in a busy city to work for a top technology firm because they enjoy communication and applying their skills to the general population whereas another person may choose to live in a quiet area surrounded by natural sources such as caves, rivers and twinkling streams.

We all have collective personalities and memories different from another except with the same concept of referring to a memory. These concepts are generated symbols designed by our unconscious to describe our perception and outlook.

The advertising we see are unconscious influencers to our desired wants rather than needs which leaves humans wanting more than what they have hence the rising mental health rates in the western world. Simply, they are symbols. Everything you see is a symbol or a pattern of past events which may be political, scientific, spiritual, genetic- you name it. Everything we see is made up of the five senses and these senses create an improvised network to deliver a message to a sample of a population. Popularity comes from advancements aimed to influence the majority of the population to create a norm, like an establishment of power.

Each symbol will have a different meaning to its peers except when mental health labels are given to us within society yet once people hear someone they know has a mental health condition that isn’t visually observant they begin to analyse and interpret the meaning of that label as an overgeneralised symbol which doesn’t help with separating the individual from the mental health condition. I mean really think about it. People cause the most suffering. Political views have created wars  we’ve evolved and used money to give humans a class status, we have first class and standard class on trains and VIP nightclub venues which makes some people feel worthless and unimportant and doesn’t support equality in the slightest.

We can only craft our own meaning of ourselves and set our own boundaries because if we don’t we allow others to do that for us.

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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What to say to a borderline during therapy

Psychologists and psychiatrists can play their part in treating a borderline by reorganisation. 

Below I’ve listed ways how:

  1. Replace ‘you are too emotional and take things to heart’ with the words ‘I know you’re struggling, please can you explain to me what happened in more detail and why you feel the way you do? If the therapist is weary of delusions compromising or interfering with the therapy then they can arrange a follow up meeting and ask the same question again for clarification purposes.
  2. Ask a borderline what their creative hobbies are and suggest creative activities they can do.
  3. Remind the borderline they are aware their negative emotions are not intentional but be more parental in a supportive way and suggest ways can  remove the anger from their processes although in times of crisis the anger can be explosive because of the highs and the lows.
  4. Introduce positive communication methods and integrate this into therapy to help the borderline communicate more efficiently in times of distress.
  5. Dont take things to heart with a borderline- they can lose their trust pretty quickly but only because they’ve been hurt so much before.
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Our Creation (poem)

The souls thunder is a memory of defeat

From the enemy that portrayed the darkest hour

It crushes, rejects, the opinions of those who care

For the purpose of money & for the purpose of war

A delicate world on the brink of collapse

Sins magnified and ignorance replenished

The destruction of death

Until it’s too late to make change

We will never know

What peace feels like in the brink of madness

Because selfishness is destructive and may encapsulate your deepest fears

Love is the opposite, therefore opposites attract

Do not compare, or argue with a broken soul

Understand and help them instead

To learn from another is to be re-born

To create a simple future

And a positive world

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The mind of the borderline

We can create, we can love, we can heal 

We can connect patterns, we have obsessions with positivity counteracting the depression within our brains, fighting for survival on a day to day basis.

The stigma attached to the condition is degrading and decreases the worth of the survivor. Notice how I use the word survivor?

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and understand rather than watch us struggle in our lives with our social functioning and be criticised by the professionals who are supposed to help us.

All it takes is a bit of love and the right communication.

Don’t bring down a damaged soul to the brink of despair. You have no idea the trauma they hold within their hearts ♡