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The thinking of the borderline.

Hours upon hours you daydream in to space; clusters of stars in your vision and anxiety in your core.

Then Silence. Then anticipation. Then sleep. 

You wake up in pain, afraid of what will happen next, feeling guilt about your mistakes, waiting for the next person to abandon you or pick on you.

And then it happens. 

You begin to feel worthless. That somebody you exposed your raw emotions to walked out on you. The colleague from work you trusted despises you. You start putting yourself down wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. Wondering if you’ll ever be the ideal image for someone else.

Ironic isn’t it? The “ideal self”; what is ideal anyway? You use projection as a survival tool which others find so paralyzing to understand because your pain is magnified to an intensity and projected in the outside environment as well as within the cobwebs of your synapses.

It’s important to know that borderlines don’t have an “Ideal Image”. They split and struggle to find a singular identities. Notice how I say identities?

Because the borderline is constantly shifting between their goals and aspirations. They’re psychotic symptoms during periods of extreme stress are mocked by the very people who are supposed to help them. How are they supposed to accept their emotions and moods need treating if you mock them for feeling a certain way because a borderline unintentionally gets angry and enters a crisis where they become detached from reality consumed in their very thoughts that tore them down to begin with.

A pillow soaked in tears and a disappearing friends list;

A feeling of self-blame and then suddenly outwardly blaming others believing that people are plotting to hurt them … and then someone does hurt them. They say horrible things. The borderline becomes self-reflected, alienated and lonely. A loss within oneself. Remembering traumatic memories. The brain vibrating at different levels of mood whilst your body floats in despairing emotions.

This is the borderline pain.

 

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Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s association with politics.

Britain has voted for conservative to lead the United Kingdom for another five years. Amazingly, the majority of the voters were working class who have been on long demanding waiting lists.

This means far more pressure for us with mental health conditions as we will unable to get the long term intensive support we need to recover.

But why is Borderline Personality Disorder such a big issue and why is it stigmatised?

It is regarded as a disorder of  “personality” when it’s a disorder of mood and a disorder of interaction with others. The sad thing is, many people do not know what this means. It means during times of crisis when people are struggling, when they are having their anger outbursts, when they are being pushed out of their work environments, when they are bullied and told well BPD is who you are; remember BPD is an illness caused by trauma and the over diagnosis of this condition is markedly worrying because people with BPD are not dangerous, we are scared. Other personality disorders are nowhere near as debilitating than borderline personality disorder.

Let’s improve mental health care services and lessen the stigma. The only evil I see is the people making cuts on local services, cutting police numbers, damaging our NHS and neglecting the needs of the vulnerable. We are not defined by our condition. We suffer from our condition.

So I ask please kindly reblog this post to end the mental health austerity and formalise a whole new treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

We are in pain and we are struggling to heal.

 

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BPD and CPTSD are the same condition…here’s why.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD are often mistaken for one another.

Growing up I was bullied, endured repetitive abuse, became anxious, had a fear of people but it came to my attention recently what if these two conditions are the same condition?

Let me explain this from an ‘out of the box’ point of view. When you make a recipe such as spaghetti bolognese the ingredients you add or don’t add change the taste. Borderline Personality Disorder is described as originating from trauma and abuse whereas other personality disorders are described as existing before the age of four.

Why is CPTSD consistently mistaken for BPD but not any other diagnoses or personality disorders?

Is there a cure for the borderline afterall?

What if we change the recipe of the treatment methods…would we get different results? Yes, we would.

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Writing is your safe place

Whenever you feel suppressed or controlled by the world, writing is your safe place. The art of putting feelings into words is a talent in itself.

Been judged recently? Been ridiculed and criticised? Been compared? Been discarded like you don’t even matter?

There will never be another you. People cause the most pain and they can either break us or make us. You’re not the opinions of those who judge you. You’re not a label. You’re a human being with a passion to be part of this world.

Having emotion isn’t a burden. It means you have compassion – a quality that most people have to artificially create. . .

I’m happy today because I’m not in a breakdown. My brains calm. I’m happy and comfortable alone. And I’m not in the state I was in a year ago so I’m already healing.

You can too.

🥰💖

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Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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The room in which I’m neither awake or asleep

Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…

Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.

After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.

Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.

 

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The Low Mood

From the naked eye you see a smile

A delightful smile of a woman who has everything

What you don’t see are the bricks within the decorated walls

The bricks that weigh down her emotions

The bricks that fall on her heavy as she sleeps

You can’t see the bricks she holds within herself

So you judge, you assume, you scoff

It doesn’t hurt to be a little kind

For a mental health illness is heavy

Not a personal failure or a mistake

Mental health isn’t a means for ridicule

Mental health should be a means for recovery

 

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Forest Imagery

Allow your soul to feel the warmth of the summer air as you close your eyes and imagine an exotic beach surrounded by fields of sunflowers and dandelions dancing in alignment with the velvet green grass.

Your soul feels passion, it feels delight, it is the symphony of the milk way, an inner warmth that only you can feel.

Really close your eyes. Imagine the blazing hot sun shimmering between the trees separating the path from the shadows, forests of soilders standing guard of engraved copper caves watching over the sea guiding the ships and its sailors.

Imagine a safe spot within the forest where you can let go of your thoughts, a feeling of self-control and self-comfort listening to the echoes of natures most glorious species.

A lighthouse with a light bearing a ninety degree view of the soft white sand.

Breathe in an out slowly but deeply for five minutes whilst imaging the beauty of the forest. The forest by the shore.

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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The mind of the borderline

We can create, we can love, we can heal 

We can connect patterns, we have obsessions with positivity counteracting the depression within our brains, fighting for survival on a day to day basis.

The stigma attached to the condition is degrading and decreases the worth of the survivor. Notice how I use the word survivor?

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and understand rather than watch us struggle in our lives with our social functioning and be criticised by the professionals who are supposed to help us.

All it takes is a bit of love and the right communication.

Don’t bring down a damaged soul to the brink of despair. You have no idea the trauma they hold within their hearts ♡

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Scarcity and Abundance

The first step in emotional dysregulation and self awareness since my borderline personality disorder decided to take partnership back in my life (this time with cptsd that hadn’t happened before after managing to reduce the bpd to traits over the past three years) as I see things in black and white again, is to embrace the positive aspects of who we are. I’m trying to see the grey area between daily. My moods are in alignment with my feelings. My brain is a vibration of chemicals. Crossing the border from scarcity to abundance is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. Abundance is necessary for cognition to be in balance with your emotions. Abundance is necessary for healthier development of the body and mind. Too much oxytocin of negative energy is bad for us. This is the black-white thinking of the borderline. We flip between scarcity and abundance in alignment with the environmental input we attract. We love intensely, we are passionate souls but we crave routine, stability and balance – the highs give me creative abilities and access the part of the brain I didn’t know I had. It’s prosperous but suffocating at the same time. Your brain is consistently looking for that balance & if the balance doesn’t match the positive frequency the borderline retreats and isolates. It’s not a personality disorder as such but a biological change in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus representing every memory you’ve ever experienced, every thought you’ve ever had, every feeling you’ve ever felt and that’s magnified in accordance with our inputs. It’s highly treatable but the creative aspects of this disorder is too positive for us to want to let go. It is a representation of what we desire. We desire balance and alignment. We want a middle ground. We are the only personality disorder to be effectively treated – it’s not our “personality” it’s a brain illness – an offshoot of Complex ptsd/bipolar – theoretically it’s the borderline between these two illnesses. We are the INFJs of the universe – we are the empaths. Ever watched the film Divergent? It explains the empath in society and how they dont fit into a category.

 

1. Physical Energy – Yoga & meditation exercises

2. Point of view – Focus on the here and now

3. Emotional energy – Focus on creative practicalities

4. Mental energy – Feel what your body needs, add nutrients, diet , replenishment, imagine that frequency. Feel that bliss once again. ⭐️

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What does missing an antidepressant do to your brain!?

If you have a chemical imbalance within your brain, missing one capsule can have a devastating effect on your health and your life.

I was subject to this. I was wallowing through life, replenishing my soul, afraid to dream of my shadows, afraid to break the eggshells I stepped upon until I spoke up. I spoke up because I had to. I spoke up to save my own life. I spoke up because my soul was fighting for survival. Because of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder people were horrible to me about my illness and that’s when I remembered Einstein’s quote; “The evil of the world isn’t those who do evil but those who look on without doing anything.”

I remembered my worth. I remembered that I had a soul. I remembered that I’d never lower myself to the level of those who hurt, betrayed or laughed at me during the difficult times. I fought a battle to explain how some conditions affect the brain except my voice wasn’t heard much. I suppose those in medical power sometimes feel like because they have control it makes them feel better to allow others to struggle. Ever heard of the Milgram experiment? Exactly. There’s very few people we can truthfully trust in this world and ourselves has to be the first because if we don’t look out for ourselves we will only be met with more stigma, more discrimination and an ancient society.

It’s time to make change. It’s time to make a difference. I’m living proof that mental health conditions do change the brain and I’m also living prove a borderline can have empathy. What do I owe to the world? My faith. My charisma. My skills. My passion. My love. Education, respect and dignity to all those who are dealing with their demons in the most extraordinary way.

Keep going because you are strong. We will end discrimination and your talents will shine through the cobwebs that plagued your soul. 💙