From the naked eye you see a smile
A delightful smile of a woman who has everything
What you don’t see are the bricks within the decorated walls
The bricks that weigh down her emotions
The bricks that fall on her heavy as she sleeps
You can’t see the bricks she holds within herself
So you judge, you assume, you scoff
It doesn’t hurt to be a little kind
For a mental health illness is heavy
Not a personal failure or a mistake
Mental health isn’t a means for ridicule
Mental health should be a means for recovery
If you have a chemical imbalance within your brain, missing one capsule can have a devastating effect on your health and your life.
I was subject to this. I was wallowing through life, replenishing my soul, afraid to dream of my shadows, afraid to break the eggshells I stepped upon until I spoke up. I spoke up because I had to. I spoke up to save my own life. I spoke up because my soul was fighting for survival. Because of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder people were horrible to me about my illness and that’s when I remembered Einstein’s quote; “The evil of the world isn’t those who do evil but those who look on without doing anything.”
I remembered my worth. I remembered that I had a soul. I remembered that I’d never lower myself to the level of those who hurt, betrayed or laughed at me during the difficult times. I fought a battle to explain how some conditions affect the brain except my voice wasn’t heard much. I suppose those in medical power sometimes feel like because they have control it makes them feel better to allow others to struggle. Ever heard of the Milgram experiment? Exactly. There’s very few people we can truthfully trust in this world and ourselves has to be the first because if we don’t look out for ourselves we will only be met with more stigma, more discrimination and an ancient society.
It’s time to make change. It’s time to make a difference. I’m living proof that mental health conditions do change the brain and I’m also living prove a borderline can have empathy. What do I owe to the world? My faith. My charisma. My skills. My passion. My love. Education, respect and dignity to all those who are dealing with their demons in the most extraordinary way.
Keep going because you are strong. We will end discrimination and your talents will shine through the cobwebs that plagued your soul. 💙
A tree never forgets it’s roots right? Well nethier do people.
Observation is a gift. It’s a resemblance of being open-minded. I’m not one of those people who says “Get over yourself” or “You’re just being silly” if someone opens up to me about a problem. I’m the type of person who understands real world situations and what I found extremely interesting about my ability of situational judgement is I could look at the whole picture rather than fragmented parts of others. I look ahead. I look into their soul. A true born empath with the power to make change. The power to make awareness to stop abuse. I’m not a perfect person at all. I have reacted out of fear but never intentionally. Real world abuse is consistent and forms a pattern of behaviour consistent in all settings.
Depression gives a broad view of reality. You notice the counterparts of others negative energy, you notice when the tide creeps in amongst the clay modelled sand and then you strategically build a sandcastle from an element of gratitude, a passion for greatness and the willpower to achieve.
I’m self-reflective. I understand sociology. I understand that life isn’t simple. I understand about suicide because I’ve attempted before and survived. Am I ashamed of being unwell in the past? No because I wouldn’t want another soul feeling the way I did. When I look back and think at the people who laughed at me, criticised me, made me feel powerless amongst their peers, made assumptions, used heuristics and biases to separate me from my passions in life I realised I allowed them to do that because I was unwell at the time.
Its like a game of chess. Some people use iterative reasoning to feel comfortable in their lives and some people (toxic people) use strategic interaction to bring down their opponent. Sometimes you have to take a step back to get to the checkmate.
I have, and this has always given me tremendous guilt. Guilt because when my brain doesn’t want to co-operate and you’re worried about how you will seem.
You just want to apologise to your friend’s but they understand when you’re not well but slowly they begin to walk away from you like you’re a burden that just intensifies your pain and gives your brain that shudder it doesn’t want to feel.
A vibration and a gulp.
A cognitive distortion and overgeneralisation resulting in four factors.
Anxiety, sadness, helplessness and depression.
It’s always better to just go for any positive opportunity you can because you may surprise yourself at your abilities. You may get there and realise not everything is bad as it seems. Be in a safe environment where you can feel loved and cared for and can project your positive emotions on to others is always the way to go.
If only I could apologise to my friends. If only I could make up for the lost hours when I hid myself away. If only I could apologise to the opportunities in the past.
If only medical professionals accepted me for who I was. If only I could become successful when describing my pain to at least help someone out there.
I hear you, I know you’re struggling.
I feel you, I can feel your pain.
I see you, I can visualise your trauma.
Emotions are gifts. They allow us to feel, they allow us to construct, they allow us to create.
Is this a bad thing? No. Modern society sees normal emotions as a burden to the stability that is trying to be created through sociology development.
We are transforming people into robots to care only about themselves without acknowledging that emotions are extremely valid and real. Technology is amazing if used in the right manner.
People can judge you based on a negative emotion you have without identifying the cause behind the negative emotion.
For example. Let’s say you were bullied in your occupation for a health condition and this lowered your self-esteem and impacted on your ability to perform a task. You then react angrily and that’s regarded as the ‘person’ you are.
Would you allow this judgement to effect and control your life? Or would you dust yourself off and remember your worth?
The choice is yours. Remember being human is a gift. We all have different appearances, skills, ambitions – imagine how amazing the world would be if we used that to our advantage.
Replace the negative with the positive. Watch yourself transform into the best version of yourself.
Never give up.
Many people ask me where my creative ideas come from. They come from my experience, the come from the fireworks of chemicals zapping through my fragile mind.
Am I ashamed of this? No. Why should I be?
Its not about what is wrong with us, it’s about how we can improve our own mental health and wellbeing without affecting those around us. We all can’t have the same opinions. It’s like when people judge your past and assume you would grow up to be a negative individual searching for more pain to add to your life that you’ve already experienced.
This isn’t true. If it was – nearly everyone would have broken down and lost themselves completely by now. Sometimes we don’t even realise our strengths until we are thrust in the darkness, neglected, having that ambition for a better and prosperous life.
Keep going. Because it will happen.
I’m designing mental health gift boxes using my own creative abilities to give others some light on a solemn day…
Each gift box will contain an acrylic painted canvas with an improvised feel good poem written by me, two surprise gifts and two arts and crafts goodies for the rainy days at £9.95 per box with 5% of profits going to a charity of the individual’s choice.
Formalising a plan, message me for more details if interested to add to the list.