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The thinking of the borderline.

Hours upon hours you daydream in to space; clusters of stars in your vision and anxiety in your core.

Then Silence. Then anticipation. Then sleep. 

You wake up in pain, afraid of what will happen next, feeling guilt about your mistakes, waiting for the next person to abandon you or pick on you.

And then it happens. 

You begin to feel worthless. That somebody you exposed your raw emotions to walked out on you. The colleague from work you trusted despises you. You start putting yourself down wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. Wondering if you’ll ever be the ideal image for someone else.

Ironic isn’t it? The “ideal self”; what is ideal anyway? You use projection as a survival tool which others find so paralyzing to understand because your pain is magnified to an intensity and projected in the outside environment as well as within the cobwebs of your synapses.

It’s important to know that borderlines don’t have an “Ideal Image”. They split and struggle to find a singular identities. Notice how I say identities?

Because the borderline is constantly shifting between their goals and aspirations. They’re psychotic symptoms during periods of extreme stress are mocked by the very people who are supposed to help them. How are they supposed to accept their emotions and moods need treating if you mock them for feeling a certain way because a borderline unintentionally gets angry and enters a crisis where they become detached from reality consumed in their very thoughts that tore them down to begin with.

A pillow soaked in tears and a disappearing friends list;

A feeling of self-blame and then suddenly outwardly blaming others believing that people are plotting to hurt them … and then someone does hurt them. They say horrible things. The borderline becomes self-reflected, alienated and lonely. A loss within oneself. Remembering traumatic memories. The brain vibrating at different levels of mood whilst your body floats in despairing emotions.

This is the borderline pain.

 

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How do you want to be loved?

My idea of a relationship is someone who will never give up on you no matter how hard it is, someone who appreciates you for your flaws, someone who enjoys walks in nature with a kind loving heart, someone who thinks of me as worthy rather than an option.

Although we all dream of this the reality is quite lonesome. I’ve stayed single for an extremely long time because what I look for in a person are the emotions that money can not buy. In this society people expect you to not have any baggage, to bounce from one person to the next when I cannot be that person and I won’t. I will not have multiple relationships under any circumstances because that isn’t stability.

I haven’t met the right one yet and people say to me all the time that I’m beautiful and someone will be lucky to have me and I’ll find someone easily. If there’s no connection I will not sleep with them or waste my time because the last thing this world needs is any more broken hearts.

Yes I’m a borderline, it doesn’t mean we jump from relationship to relationship because we don’t. We stand and we deal. We fight for ourselves. We fight for love, compassion and to bring this world back to a sociable, loving state.

I have no apologies for who I am.

This is me.

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Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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Recognising Manipulation to save lives

The effects of manipulation are diverse. It can control your thoughts, your behaviours, isolate you from your family and friends, create emotional instability, traumatise the brain to the point you’re repetitively thinking about the manipulation over and over again. Your thoughts don’t run in alignment with what you say.

Your brain begins to use suppression techniques to survive further trauma, it changes the way you see the world.

Manipulative people lack empathy, they are only interested in watching you suffer, they control how others see you, they use normative social influence to destroy others perception of you. You end up feeling out of control and powerless wanting to remain positive.

Trauma survivors are insightful. They seek a world where understanding is prevalent & safety is a priority. Narcissistic injury creates a guilt & shame based perspective that induces suicidal feelings.  You begin to gradually decline in your physical and emotional development. You doubt your perceptions. You begin trusting less & less until the damage intensifies and you’re seen as the blame. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse they’ve had to suffer in their lives except more trauma based resources need to be available especially for emotional abuse support groups.

The differentiation between domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse is in narcissistic abuse the perpetrator is usually calm and collected whilst the victim becomes even more ill steadily over a period of time until they have a catastrophic personality change and realise this isn’t right and start acting out at the traumas they’ve experienced as if they’re in the present whilst in domestic abuse it’s more overtly obvious to the medical and psychological community.

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Forest Imagery

Allow your soul to feel the warmth of the summer air as you close your eyes and imagine an exotic beach surrounded by fields of sunflowers and dandelions dancing in alignment with the velvet green grass.

Your soul feels passion, it feels delight, it is the symphony of the milk way, an inner warmth that only you can feel.

Really close your eyes. Imagine the blazing hot sun shimmering between the trees separating the path from the shadows, forests of soilders standing guard of engraved copper caves watching over the sea guiding the ships and its sailors.

Imagine a safe spot within the forest where you can let go of your thoughts, a feeling of self-control and self-comfort listening to the echoes of natures most glorious species.

A lighthouse with a light bearing a ninety degree view of the soft white sand.

Breathe in an out slowly but deeply for five minutes whilst imaging the beauty of the forest. The forest by the shore.

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Symbols & Indoctrinations

One way to separate an individual from a mental health label is to ask them their values. 

Values are what separates each individual retrospectively. For example, one person may choose to live in a busy city to work for a top technology firm because they enjoy communication and applying their skills to the general population whereas another person may choose to live in a quiet area surrounded by natural sources such as caves, rivers and twinkling streams.

We all have collective personalities and memories different from another except with the same concept of referring to a memory. These concepts are generated symbols designed by our unconscious to describe our perception and outlook.

The advertising we see are unconscious influencers to our desired wants rather than needs which leaves humans wanting more than what they have hence the rising mental health rates in the western world. Simply, they are symbols. Everything you see is a symbol or a pattern of past events which may be political, scientific, spiritual, genetic- you name it. Everything we see is made up of the five senses and these senses create an improvised network to deliver a message to a sample of a population. Popularity comes from advancements aimed to influence the majority of the population to create a norm, like an establishment of power.

Each symbol will have a different meaning to its peers except when mental health labels are given to us within society yet once people hear someone they know has a mental health condition that isn’t visually observant they begin to analyse and interpret the meaning of that label as an overgeneralised symbol which doesn’t help with separating the individual from the mental health condition. I mean really think about it. People cause the most suffering. Political views have created wars  we’ve evolved and used money to give humans a class status, we have first class and standard class on trains and VIP nightclub venues which makes some people feel worthless and unimportant and doesn’t support equality in the slightest.

We can only craft our own meaning of ourselves and set our own boundaries because if we don’t we allow others to do that for us.

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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What to say to a borderline during therapy

Psychologists and psychiatrists can play their part in treating a borderline by reorganisation. 

Below I’ve listed ways how:

  1. Replace ‘you are too emotional and take things to heart’ with the words ‘I know you’re struggling, please can you explain to me what happened in more detail and why you feel the way you do? If the therapist is weary of delusions compromising or interfering with the therapy then they can arrange a follow up meeting and ask the same question again for clarification purposes.
  2. Ask a borderline what their creative hobbies are and suggest creative activities they can do.
  3. Remind the borderline they are aware their negative emotions are not intentional but be more parental in a supportive way and suggest ways can  remove the anger from their processes although in times of crisis the anger can be explosive because of the highs and the lows.
  4. Introduce positive communication methods and integrate this into therapy to help the borderline communicate more efficiently in times of distress.
  5. Dont take things to heart with a borderline- they can lose their trust pretty quickly but only because they’ve been hurt so much before.
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Scarcity and Abundance

The first step in emotional dysregulation and self awareness since my borderline personality disorder decided to take partnership back in my life (this time with cptsd that hadn’t happened before after managing to reduce the bpd to traits over the past three years) as I see things in black and white again, is to embrace the positive aspects of who we are. I’m trying to see the grey area between daily. My moods are in alignment with my feelings. My brain is a vibration of chemicals. Crossing the border from scarcity to abundance is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. Abundance is necessary for cognition to be in balance with your emotions. Abundance is necessary for healthier development of the body and mind. Too much oxytocin of negative energy is bad for us. This is the black-white thinking of the borderline. We flip between scarcity and abundance in alignment with the environmental input we attract. We love intensely, we are passionate souls but we crave routine, stability and balance – the highs give me creative abilities and access the part of the brain I didn’t know I had. It’s prosperous but suffocating at the same time. Your brain is consistently looking for that balance & if the balance doesn’t match the positive frequency the borderline retreats and isolates. It’s not a personality disorder as such but a biological change in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus representing every memory you’ve ever experienced, every thought you’ve ever had, every feeling you’ve ever felt and that’s magnified in accordance with our inputs. It’s highly treatable but the creative aspects of this disorder is too positive for us to want to let go. It is a representation of what we desire. We desire balance and alignment. We want a middle ground. We are the only personality disorder to be effectively treated – it’s not our “personality” it’s a brain illness – an offshoot of Complex ptsd/bipolar – theoretically it’s the borderline between these two illnesses. We are the INFJs of the universe – we are the empaths. Ever watched the film Divergent? It explains the empath in society and how they dont fit into a category.

 

1. Physical Energy – Yoga & meditation exercises

2. Point of view – Focus on the here and now

3. Emotional energy – Focus on creative practicalities

4. Mental energy – Feel what your body needs, add nutrients, diet , replenishment, imagine that frequency. Feel that bliss once again. ⭐️

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What does missing an antidepressant do to your brain!?

If you have a chemical imbalance within your brain, missing one capsule can have a devastating effect on your health and your life.

I was subject to this. I was wallowing through life, replenishing my soul, afraid to dream of my shadows, afraid to break the eggshells I stepped upon until I spoke up. I spoke up because I had to. I spoke up to save my own life. I spoke up because my soul was fighting for survival. Because of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder people were horrible to me about my illness and that’s when I remembered Einstein’s quote; “The evil of the world isn’t those who do evil but those who look on without doing anything.”

I remembered my worth. I remembered that I had a soul. I remembered that I’d never lower myself to the level of those who hurt, betrayed or laughed at me during the difficult times. I fought a battle to explain how some conditions affect the brain except my voice wasn’t heard much. I suppose those in medical power sometimes feel like because they have control it makes them feel better to allow others to struggle. Ever heard of the Milgram experiment? Exactly. There’s very few people we can truthfully trust in this world and ourselves has to be the first because if we don’t look out for ourselves we will only be met with more stigma, more discrimination and an ancient society.

It’s time to make change. It’s time to make a difference. I’m living proof that mental health conditions do change the brain and I’m also living prove a borderline can have empathy. What do I owe to the world? My faith. My charisma. My skills. My passion. My love. Education, respect and dignity to all those who are dealing with their demons in the most extraordinary way.

Keep going because you are strong. We will end discrimination and your talents will shine through the cobwebs that plagued your soul. 💙

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Have you ever let a friend down because of your anxiety?

I have, and this has always given me tremendous guilt. Guilt because when my brain doesn’t want to co-operate and you’re worried about how you will seem.

You just want to apologise to your friend’s but they understand when you’re not well but slowly they begin to walk away from you like you’re a burden that just intensifies your pain and gives your brain that shudder it doesn’t want to feel.

A vibration and a gulp.

A cognitive distortion and overgeneralisation resulting in four factors.

Anxiety, sadness, helplessness and depression.

It’s always better to just go for any positive opportunity you can because you may surprise yourself at your abilities. You may get there and realise not everything is bad as it seems. Be in a safe environment where you can feel loved and cared for and can project your positive emotions on to others is always the way to go.

If only I could apologise to my friends. If only I could make up for the lost hours when I hid myself away. If only I could apologise to the opportunities in the past.

If only medical professionals accepted me for who I was. If only I could become successful when describing my pain to at least help someone out there.

I hear you, I know you’re struggling.

I feel you, I can feel your pain.

I see you, I can visualise your trauma.

♥️💌♥️

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The protagonist

I speak with thunder

I speak with thought

I lost who I was

Distressed and distraught

I expressed my story

I untangled my woes

Will my story end with a cliffhanger?

The question is Who Know’s?