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How do you want to be loved?

My idea of a relationship is someone who will never give up on you no matter how hard it is, someone who appreciates you for your flaws, someone who enjoys walks in nature with a kind loving heart, someone who thinks of me as worthy rather than an option.

Although we all dream of this the reality is quite lonesome. I’ve stayed single for an extremely long time because what I look for in a person are the emotions that money can not buy. In this society people expect you to not have any baggage, to bounce from one person to the next when I cannot be that person and I won’t. I will not have multiple relationships under any circumstances because that isn’t stability.

I haven’t met the right one yet and people say to me all the time that I’m beautiful and someone will be lucky to have me and I’ll find someone easily. If there’s no connection I will not sleep with them or waste my time because the last thing this world needs is any more broken hearts.

Yes I’m a borderline, it doesn’t mean we jump from relationship to relationship because we don’t. We stand and we deal. We fight for ourselves. We fight for love, compassion and to bring this world back to a sociable, loving state.

I have no apologies for who I am.

This is me.

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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What does missing an antidepressant do to your brain!?

If you have a chemical imbalance within your brain, missing one capsule can have a devastating effect on your health and your life.

I was subject to this. I was wallowing through life, replenishing my soul, afraid to dream of my shadows, afraid to break the eggshells I stepped upon until I spoke up. I spoke up because I had to. I spoke up to save my own life. I spoke up because my soul was fighting for survival. Because of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder people were horrible to me about my illness and that’s when I remembered Einstein’s quote; “The evil of the world isn’t those who do evil but those who look on without doing anything.”

I remembered my worth. I remembered that I had a soul. I remembered that I’d never lower myself to the level of those who hurt, betrayed or laughed at me during the difficult times. I fought a battle to explain how some conditions affect the brain except my voice wasn’t heard much. I suppose those in medical power sometimes feel like because they have control it makes them feel better to allow others to struggle. Ever heard of the Milgram experiment? Exactly. There’s very few people we can truthfully trust in this world and ourselves has to be the first because if we don’t look out for ourselves we will only be met with more stigma, more discrimination and an ancient society.

It’s time to make change. It’s time to make a difference. I’m living proof that mental health conditions do change the brain and I’m also living prove a borderline can have empathy. What do I owe to the world? My faith. My charisma. My skills. My passion. My love. Education, respect and dignity to all those who are dealing with their demons in the most extraordinary way.

Keep going because you are strong. We will end discrimination and your talents will shine through the cobwebs that plagued your soul. 💙

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The broken moon 🌒

What is the meaning of an eclipse?

Is it a partial disturbance of evil covering the light of the stone’s soul?

What is the meaning of night?

Is it to rest our bodies or minds?

What is the meaning of the holes on the moons surface?

Does it emphasise the holes we carry within our hearts?

What is the meaning of a broken soul?

An awareness that there’s a missing piece – a missing part of you that you can’t comprehend. . .

But it’s always the same moon. The same moon we all look up to.

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The Harp 📝

132CD58D-BFD4-4A34-958B-F282478ED639.jpeg“The angel’s most beautiful voice is the harp. The brass stricken harp. The passionate soul that vibrates through the strings of a golden instrument is the symphony of the empath”. 

Don’t doubt, believe – write to your heart’s content

Natalie Small

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What people think of you is none of your business 💗

People have bought me down so many times in my life and I want to share my story because I take personal responsibility for my actions, I take personal responsibility for my deterioration and I’m moving on from the past and building fresh.

Do not believe people when they try tell you who you are. . . 

Past is past. Whatever you’ve done, whatever someone else has done just remember you’re still breathing. You’re still here. People can only get to you if you allow them to. Knowledge is power. 

Heal from within. Remember who you are before the drains sucked in your soul. Don’t ever allow others to bring you down to a level where you doubt your sanity, where you are manipulated into believing things that aren’t true. That’s not living.

Living is being blessed, appreciative and loving towards others. Don’t be like them. You’re not in alignment with who you really are once you’ve let them destroy your worth. You deserve better.

If I was perfect, I would not be writing this! I’ve made mistakes I’m not proud of. I’ve broken a few hearts which I never intended to do. I’ve fallen for people who wanted me for one thing which is not self-respect, it’s not being worthy of myself. It’s not giving me that future prosperity I’m attaining.

Instead of asking someone why its taken them so long to back away from someone who causes them pain or how can you love someone who causes you pain? Tell them you’re proud they left when they could. 

Love doesn’t discriminate my darling, and I’ve yet to meet a perfect person walking on this planet. Love just happens. 

The right love will come to you when you start believing in yourself and your capabilities. Don’t lower your worth to fit in with those who don’t appreciate you.

Children are not weapons. Children should grow up to be able to make their own sensible decisions. They should not be subject to personal views based on personal experiences because we all have different experiences.

Wave goodbye to those who bring you down and remember how strong you are.

You’re worthy and you got this 💕👋

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Creative writing: The Innocent Boy

This is his story.

He walked towards the mirror and knealt down on the night of a full moon, it’s reflection mirrored in the glass. He stopped. His inner evaluative speech triggered his thoughts to reconcile the attachment developments he experienced as a child as he remembered all he had courageously fought through; the mirror having no idea of his hot cognition and the thoughts scraping within his frontal lobe, illogical but overwhelming in deep thinking and solitude.

His eyes were an ombré hazel with a white grey lining, luminous with a dark purple centre. His hair an eerie black, full and fine, flowing discreetly past is pale crimson forehead. His nose, a burnt shade of red, pressed against the pane creating a smear of condensated matter.

He peered more deeply.

It wasn’t a mirror or a glass – it was an icy pool of cold moods, his tears icicles of winter snow, his body a sculpture of stillness. It wasn’t a shop window he was peering into – it was a frozen lake. The lake. The lake of death as they call it. The lake that takes the minds of many suffering so quietly, so elegantly, the lake that has created blessings, the lake a pool of a thousand diamonds. Diamonds that couldn’t speak up about their feelings. Diamonds that so swiftly declined and deteriorated due to the pressures of living within a tormented mind with a soft soul. His soul a powerful reminder of his pressured self-esteem – his body so bare. 

Oh how someone would help him, but no one could be seen.

 

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What side of the brain do you use?

 

What side of the brain do you use?

The interaction between both is a game of volleyball, a confusing element within its features, a comprehensive account of our genetics and memory processes…
Skills are what motivates us. Experience is what shapes us. Atoms. That’s all we are atoms.

 

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Is it time to rethink borderline personality disorder?

I thought I’d do a post after seeing a post on Facebook about a kind hearted young girl taking her own life because of borderline personality disorder caused by abuse.

I just want to point out the effects of borderline personality disorder and how it may impact on caregivers:

  • BPD are loving individuals
  • They are not dangerous
  • They are warm and caring
  • They isolate themselves when they feel too overwhelmed, they become angry when they are afraid
  • They experience extreme mood swings when faced with interpersonal trauma and/or distress
  • They think with their heart
  • Its one of the most commonly recognised personality disorders
  • During a crisis the sufferer loses control – as a result this can lead to suicide or intense emotional reactions to triggers that relate to the sufferers interpersonal traumas.
  • They have problems interacting with others and dissociate to mask their inner pain
  • They feel lost and abandoned the majority of the time
  • If intensely bullied/abused may experience delusions and hallucinations
  • Is often confused with Histrionic Personality Disorder, dissociative identity disorder, bipolar disorder, ptsd and narcissistic personality disorder.
  • It’s not a label, it’s neurological and affects the areas of the brain responsible for controlling mood
  • Creativity, drama therapy and music therapy helps with restoring the individual to a normal level of functioning
  • Can affect relationships and are at risk of further abuse
  • Are often criticised by the healthcare professions who don’t understand during a crisis the illness can take over the mind of even the most high functioning borderline
  • This needs to be removed from the personality disorders category because it’s the only personality disorder to have the highest suicide rates and personality disorders start before the age of four -bpd is the result of abuse.

 

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Toxic Love (Poem)

You took her soul, her spirit, her mind

You showed her fake love, love that was blind.

You pulled her into your deepest fears

You reminded her of all the memories over the years

You told her you’ll leave her once she’s in love

Once again she flew, spread her wings like a dove

You told her you loved her and you were the only one who cared

You kissed her goodbye and said she’s worth more than you shared

You told her your friends can’t know about us

If they knew they’d blame her for the evergrowing lust

You waited till her mind couldn’t take anymore

You told her it would never work out like it did before

You would message her on weekends when you were alone and free

Keep her in your room so the world can’t see

You told her everything that you felt was wrong with her head

She analysed this and decided to walk away instead

You told her she’s the only one who you can see

She knew that anyway but her heart holds the key

You left her heart numb, you played with her soul

Her next step was recovery to make herself whole

✍🏻

 

 

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What is love?

Love is undefinable. You think the person you love will always deliver the same you give to them. If it’s imbalanced it is destructive.

As Shakespeare once said “The route of all heartache is expectation” 

You can’t expect anyone to love you but you can always hold on to that inner hope. You have to love yourself first, flaws and all. The broken pieces of you make up you. Don’t succumb to anger because that won’t get you anywhere. It will create a false picture of you.

Love has its ups and downs. We all have different qualities and different ways in which we see the world. We all have values, we are not our mistakes. We are the character that arises from the mistake. We are whoever we wish to be. Sometimes we just have to believe in ourselves. Love grows, just like a seed awaiting the sunshine and water. Just like the seasons change. Just like the weather changes. Change is inevitable. Change is something we all have to deal with in our lives whether we want to or not. Change is a blessing in disguise. Change is something we have to be uncomfortable with in order to grow, to realise, to deal with.

It’s natural. Oxytocin is a powerful chemical and it can take over the mind of the most empathetic person.

So you’ve made mistakes in your relationships? You’ve questioned your sanity? You’ve portrayed the unexpected? Those are previous circumstances that don’t define you. Have hope for a positive and loving future. Forgive those who have hurt you in life through actions but share awareness of how those actions can affect the mental health of others.

You know the saying “Don’t mix business with pleasure” – it’s because compassion and love should be private but business should be shared with the world to contribute to new discoveries, new developments, new projects. Something that will shape our future generations.

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A million pieces of glass📝

The heart weeped. It’s shattered. It’s bruised. It hoped.It looked. It found. It lost. It moped.

The tears fell. It’s endless. It’s dried. It’s condensated. It’s hell.

The body ached. It’s weak. It’s hurt. It’s painful. It’s bleak.

The memories split. It’s disorientated. It’s confused. It’s recalling. It’s used.

Your confidence drowned. It’s dissociative. It’s lonely. It’s invisible. It’s sound.

You found love. It’s scared. It’s unpromising. It’s repetitive. It’s shared.

You lost trust. It’s replaced. It’s moving. It’s glass. It’s lust.