Take away the shame of the stigma… Here’s my story of how I defeated my depressive symptoms…
In September 2018 my brain changed. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t fathom what and would think about everything I’ve learnt and compare my symptoms to my prior knowledge.
Over the years I’ve had CBT, counselling, attended Mind and even an acting group to help my symptoms but nothing was taking away the days and the nights I would cry myself to sleep.
I had positive opportunities going for me but my brain just was a blur of confusion – like a sponge soaked in past instability and traumas.
At the age of 20 others started to notice I was depressed and I was put on fluoxetine which worked for me and I managed to get to a good level of stability. In 2015/2016 this no longer worked for me and I couldn’t understand why.
I was reluctant to try anything else as had a bad reaction to the fluoxetine when attempted to try it again and was diagnosed with seretonin activation syndrome in August 2018.
A few weeks before my brain changed I was sleeping a lot more than usual and I honestly thought the depression would never ease.
Well it has. It has intensively.
No I’m not ashamed that I was unwell, I’m ashamed of how my mental health condition affected me at the time but you know what… Sertraline is working for me after six weeks and I couldn’t be more grateful… there IS a treatment for depression.
That’s when I realised the biological aspects of mental health were not understood. But one day they will be so others can get the help they need.
Sometimes we have to stand up to what we believe in. So if you see me being positive thank Science 🧪 🙌
My symptoms have calmed down a lot since being on the sertraline and limiting contact with the negative people who hurt me in my past. I’m doing what’s necessary for my health as not many people understand the way our experiences can consume us. I managed to get my negative symptoms under control through drama therapy and creative therapies. The traumatic rememinders were new and I think both of them together created a morph of delusion – someone that wasn’t me. I often think why on earth would adults intend to bring me down. Doctors even said to me “You had your own place right?” Yes because I was homeless years ago. That’s insignificant. It’s in the past. I was made homeless because I had nowhere to go and no support network but why would I intend to hurt another human being? I wouldn’t. I get afraid in relationships – afraid of being hurt. I witnessed long term abuse as a child and I grew up wanting to help others so chose the psychology degree and paid £200 for a mind course at the head quarters in London in 2018 to exercise my skills and awareness on mental health. It wasn’t until I made a silly mistake and fall poorly with a new mental health issue that I realised something was wrong. I fall still and breakdown just like any other human being… although the Sertraline is fabulous for me at the moment.
Hey, we are all on a journey. Life is hard for us all in some way or another. Except I have no one. But it’s peaceful. I suppose I like the way wind blows when you’re in isolation and the way the rain falls on my window pane. I suppose I feel comfortable knowing I’ve always got me and always got my back. Some people call it loneliness I call it safety and solitude 💗
Trauma – many of us have gone through a lot in our lives but when do our traumas consume us? When they have a significant impact on our day to day functioning.
Triggers can be anywhere. A survivor of trauma can develop coping mechanisms when their brains go into overdrive during the fight/flight response and appear angry but not be an angry person.
Triggers can be environments, sights, smells, or people resembling the trauma you experienced. The reason why perpetrators get away with it is because of the victims defence mechanisms – sometimes you can get nightmares, missing words out in texts, intense distressing feelings and rely heavily on prescription medication.
In complex PTSD the survivor normally has preoccupation with the abuser for a period of time when trying to process their interpersonal trauma within the memory consolidation process.
Be kind, these people require support – you never know what someone has been through until you walk in their shoes.
Have you ever looked around you and people all stable and laughing, the walls closing in on you, the hallways swallowing your mind whole, like you’re pushing yourself through quicksand, like your brain is slow and grounded, like you have no control over your anger? In the lowest moments do you sit there and listen to the vibrations of the brain looking at the world in a different way, like the sand meets the shore of the strongest tide, a mind that never stops. A mind that never stops writing, a mind that never stops thinking, a mind that is positive but a brain as a competitor fighting for survival – the soul telling you to stay strong and have hope, the world around you getting tired of listening to your inner pain, the world around you believing you don’t appreciate what you have except you do but it’s not you that’s ill. It’s your brain. Except you know this. After many failures you’re aware of this but you stay strong, you keep at your goals and aspirations because it gives you hope and you give hope to others experiencing the same things. You pace, you sit and wonder, wonder what went wrong, wonder why your ears hear differently, your eyes see the world in a different way. You just wonder. Wonder why the stable mind can’t understand how you feel because they haven’t been there. They haven’t been where you are. It’s okay not to be okay. You may not be perfect, you may not have made good decisions in the past but your brain has a power. A power beyond your wildest thoughts. It’s a brain with passion, a brain with emphasis, a brain that has a better insight of reality.
What side of the brain do you use?
The interaction between both is a game of volleyball, a confusing element within its features, a comprehensive account of our genetics and memory processes…
Skills are what motivates us. Experience is what shapes us. Atoms. That’s all we are atoms.