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How do you want to be loved?

My idea of a relationship is someone who will never give up on you no matter how hard it is, someone who appreciates you for your flaws, someone who enjoys walks in nature with a kind loving heart, someone who thinks of me as worthy rather than an option.

Although we all dream of this the reality is quite lonesome. I’ve stayed single for an extremely long time because what I look for in a person are the emotions that money can not buy. In this society people expect you to not have any baggage, to bounce from one person to the next when I cannot be that person and I won’t. I will not have multiple relationships under any circumstances because that isn’t stability.

I haven’t met the right one yet and people say to me all the time that I’m beautiful and someone will be lucky to have me and I’ll find someone easily. If there’s no connection I will not sleep with them or waste my time because the last thing this world needs is any more broken hearts.

Yes I’m a borderline, it doesn’t mean we jump from relationship to relationship because we don’t. We stand and we deal. We fight for ourselves. We fight for love, compassion and to bring this world back to a sociable, loving state.

I have no apologies for who I am.

This is me.

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Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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Recognising Manipulation to save lives

The effects of manipulation are diverse. It can control your thoughts, your behaviours, isolate you from your family and friends, create emotional instability, traumatise the brain to the point you’re repetitively thinking about the manipulation over and over again. Your thoughts don’t run in alignment with what you say.

Your brain begins to use suppression techniques to survive further trauma, it changes the way you see the world.

Manipulative people lack empathy, they are only interested in watching you suffer, they control how others see you, they use normative social influence to destroy others perception of you. You end up feeling out of control and powerless wanting to remain positive.

Trauma survivors are insightful. They seek a world where understanding is prevalent & safety is a priority. Narcissistic injury creates a guilt & shame based perspective that induces suicidal feelings.  You begin to gradually decline in your physical and emotional development. You doubt your perceptions. You begin trusting less & less until the damage intensifies and you’re seen as the blame. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse they’ve had to suffer in their lives except more trauma based resources need to be available especially for emotional abuse support groups.

The differentiation between domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse is in narcissistic abuse the perpetrator is usually calm and collected whilst the victim becomes even more ill steadily over a period of time until they have a catastrophic personality change and realise this isn’t right and start acting out at the traumas they’ve experienced as if they’re in the present whilst in domestic abuse it’s more overtly obvious to the medical and psychological community.

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Forest Imagery

Allow your soul to feel the warmth of the summer air as you close your eyes and imagine an exotic beach surrounded by fields of sunflowers and dandelions dancing in alignment with the velvet green grass.

Your soul feels passion, it feels delight, it is the symphony of the milk way, an inner warmth that only you can feel.

Really close your eyes. Imagine the blazing hot sun shimmering between the trees separating the path from the shadows, forests of soilders standing guard of engraved copper caves watching over the sea guiding the ships and its sailors.

Imagine a safe spot within the forest where you can let go of your thoughts, a feeling of self-control and self-comfort listening to the echoes of natures most glorious species.

A lighthouse with a light bearing a ninety degree view of the soft white sand.

Breathe in an out slowly but deeply for five minutes whilst imaging the beauty of the forest. The forest by the shore.

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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What to say to a borderline during therapy

Psychologists and psychiatrists can play their part in treating a borderline by reorganisation. 

Below I’ve listed ways how:

  1. Replace ‘you are too emotional and take things to heart’ with the words ‘I know you’re struggling, please can you explain to me what happened in more detail and why you feel the way you do? If the therapist is weary of delusions compromising or interfering with the therapy then they can arrange a follow up meeting and ask the same question again for clarification purposes.
  2. Ask a borderline what their creative hobbies are and suggest creative activities they can do.
  3. Remind the borderline they are aware their negative emotions are not intentional but be more parental in a supportive way and suggest ways can  remove the anger from their processes although in times of crisis the anger can be explosive because of the highs and the lows.
  4. Introduce positive communication methods and integrate this into therapy to help the borderline communicate more efficiently in times of distress.
  5. Dont take things to heart with a borderline- they can lose their trust pretty quickly but only because they’ve been hurt so much before.
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Scarcity and Abundance

The first step in emotional dysregulation and self awareness since my borderline personality disorder decided to take partnership back in my life (this time with cptsd that hadn’t happened before after managing to reduce the bpd to traits over the past three years) as I see things in black and white again, is to embrace the positive aspects of who we are. I’m trying to see the grey area between daily. My moods are in alignment with my feelings. My brain is a vibration of chemicals. Crossing the border from scarcity to abundance is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. Abundance is necessary for cognition to be in balance with your emotions. Abundance is necessary for healthier development of the body and mind. Too much oxytocin of negative energy is bad for us. This is the black-white thinking of the borderline. We flip between scarcity and abundance in alignment with the environmental input we attract. We love intensely, we are passionate souls but we crave routine, stability and balance – the highs give me creative abilities and access the part of the brain I didn’t know I had. It’s prosperous but suffocating at the same time. Your brain is consistently looking for that balance & if the balance doesn’t match the positive frequency the borderline retreats and isolates. It’s not a personality disorder as such but a biological change in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus representing every memory you’ve ever experienced, every thought you’ve ever had, every feeling you’ve ever felt and that’s magnified in accordance with our inputs. It’s highly treatable but the creative aspects of this disorder is too positive for us to want to let go. It is a representation of what we desire. We desire balance and alignment. We want a middle ground. We are the only personality disorder to be effectively treated – it’s not our “personality” it’s a brain illness – an offshoot of Complex ptsd/bipolar – theoretically it’s the borderline between these two illnesses. We are the INFJs of the universe – we are the empaths. Ever watched the film Divergent? It explains the empath in society and how they dont fit into a category.

 

1. Physical Energy – Yoga & meditation exercises

2. Point of view – Focus on the here and now

3. Emotional energy – Focus on creative practicalities

4. Mental energy – Feel what your body needs, add nutrients, diet , replenishment, imagine that frequency. Feel that bliss once again. ⭐️

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The Marilyn Project

Marilyn Monroe, our historical icon, wore her curves with dignity, her smile with force and her clothes with style.

Monroe was abused as a child and grew up with mental health difficulties that lead her to take her own life so many years ago. In the age of social media it’s really important people are able to be open about their mental health difficulties to prevent farther suicides. .

It is happening all too frequently. Why are people ashamed of asking for help? Together we can create a marilyn project to save the lives of millions by doing five simple things. Understand, listen, research, accept, help.

Help each other and save a life.

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Till death do us part

A tree never forgets it’s roots right? Well nethier do people. 

Observation is a gift. It’s a resemblance of being open-minded. I’m not one of those people who says “Get over yourself” or “You’re just being silly” if someone opens up to me about a problem. I’m the type of person who understands real world situations and what I found extremely interesting about my ability of situational judgement is I could look at the whole picture rather than fragmented parts of others. I look ahead. I look into their soul. A true born empath with the power to make change. The power to make awareness to stop abuse. I’m not a perfect person at all. I have reacted out of fear but never intentionally. Real world abuse is consistent and forms a pattern of behaviour consistent in all settings.

Depression gives a broad view of reality. You notice the counterparts of others negative energy, you notice when the tide creeps in amongst the clay modelled sand and then you strategically build a sandcastle from an element of gratitude, a passion for greatness and the willpower to achieve.

I’m self-reflective. I understand sociology. I understand that life isn’t simple. I understand about suicide because I’ve attempted before and survived. Am I ashamed of being unwell in the past? No because I wouldn’t want another soul feeling the way I did. When I look back and think at the people who laughed at me, criticised me, made me feel powerless amongst their peers, made assumptions, used heuristics and biases to separate me from my passions in life I realised I allowed them to do that because I was unwell at the time.

Its like a game of chess. Some people use iterative reasoning to feel comfortable in their lives and some people (toxic people) use strategic interaction to bring down their opponent. Sometimes you have to take a step back to get to the checkmate.

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Have you ever let a friend down because of your anxiety?

I have, and this has always given me tremendous guilt. Guilt because when my brain doesn’t want to co-operate and you’re worried about how you will seem.

You just want to apologise to your friend’s but they understand when you’re not well but slowly they begin to walk away from you like you’re a burden that just intensifies your pain and gives your brain that shudder it doesn’t want to feel.

A vibration and a gulp.

A cognitive distortion and overgeneralisation resulting in four factors.

Anxiety, sadness, helplessness and depression.

It’s always better to just go for any positive opportunity you can because you may surprise yourself at your abilities. You may get there and realise not everything is bad as it seems. Be in a safe environment where you can feel loved and cared for and can project your positive emotions on to others is always the way to go.

If only I could apologise to my friends. If only I could make up for the lost hours when I hid myself away. If only I could apologise to the opportunities in the past.

If only medical professionals accepted me for who I was. If only I could become successful when describing my pain to at least help someone out there.

I hear you, I know you’re struggling.

I feel you, I can feel your pain.

I see you, I can visualise your trauma.

♥️💌♥️

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Does it matter what others think about us?

As a borderline I often worry about what others think of me. How they see my image. How they see me as me. Are they able to see my struggles although more often than not I’m met with – you look fine. You’re okay.

You tend to look deeper at your inner self at this point and overanalyse and overthink pushing yourself into oblivion, pushing yourself into the face of adversity looking at your flaws and giving them a label like your diagnosis which isn’t really healthy.

I suppose living with borderline personality disorder is a bit like watching a movie. You cry, you laugh, you’re just like others but with this big passionate personality bursting out in the environment. It’s like our brains are programmed to be too empathetic that gives us the feeling of isolation, that gives us the feeling we must be more adult with our emotions.

Honestly though. Do you think the cave men said right, that person’s got a mental health problem we don’t want them. No. Maybe some yes but overall no. The only priority back then was good, safety and water. Additionally, which I must say… we still adopt the same behaviours and have the same views to teach us how to respond to the environment. Our reptile brains still exist and technology is advancing faster than our brains can cope with. Technology is a beautiful source but it’s still used inappropriately, to judge, to bully, to allow ourselves to misguide ourselves through endless thoughts because there’s always a comparison. Always a sense of fear or threat because people can write their opinions on a platform which is largely based on opinion than fact.

 

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Value your emotions because they’re valid

Emotions are gifts. They allow us to feel, they allow us to construct, they allow us to create.

Is this a bad thing? No. Modern society sees normal emotions as a burden to the stability that is trying to be created through sociology development.

We are transforming people into robots to care only about themselves without acknowledging that emotions are extremely valid and real. Technology is amazing if used in the right manner.

People can judge you based on a negative emotion you have without identifying the cause behind the negative emotion.

For example. Let’s say you were bullied in your occupation for a health condition and this lowered your self-esteem and impacted on your ability to perform a task. You then react angrily and that’s regarded as the ‘person’ you are.

Would you allow this judgement to effect and control your life? Or would you dust yourself off and remember your worth?

The choice is yours. Remember being human is a gift. We all have different appearances, skills, ambitions – imagine how amazing the world would be if we used that to our advantage.

Replace the negative with the positive. Watch yourself transform into the best version of yourself.

Never give up.