Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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Recognising Manipulation to save lives

The effects of manipulation are diverse. It can control your thoughts, your behaviours, isolate you from your family and friends, create emotional instability, traumatise the brain to the point you’re repetitively thinking about the manipulation over and over again. Your thoughts don’t run in alignment with what you say.

Your brain begins to use suppression techniques to survive further trauma, it changes the way you see the world.

Manipulative people lack empathy, they are only interested in watching you suffer, they control how others see you, they use normative social influence to destroy others perception of you. You end up feeling out of control and powerless wanting to remain positive.

Trauma survivors are insightful. They seek a world where understanding is prevalent & safety is a priority. Narcissistic injury creates a guilt & shame based perspective that induces suicidal feelings.  You begin to gradually decline in your physical and emotional development. You doubt your perceptions. You begin trusting less & less until the damage intensifies and you’re seen as the blame. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse they’ve had to suffer in their lives except more trauma based resources need to be available especially for emotional abuse support groups.

The differentiation between domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse is in narcissistic abuse the perpetrator is usually calm and collected whilst the victim becomes even more ill steadily over a period of time until they have a catastrophic personality change and realise this isn’t right and start acting out at the traumas they’ve experienced as if they’re in the present whilst in domestic abuse it’s more overtly obvious to the medical and psychological community.

The mind of the borderline

We can create, we can love, we can heal 

We can connect patterns, we have obsessions with positivity counteracting the depression within our brains, fighting for survival on a day to day basis.

The stigma attached to the condition is degrading and decreases the worth of the survivor. Notice how I use the word survivor?

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and understand rather than watch us struggle in our lives with our social functioning and be criticised by the professionals who are supposed to help us.

All it takes is a bit of love and the right communication.

Don’t bring down a damaged soul to the brink of despair. You have no idea the trauma they hold within their hearts ♡

Have you ever let a friend down because of your anxiety?

I have, and this has always given me tremendous guilt. Guilt because when my brain doesn’t want to co-operate and you’re worried about how you will seem.

You just want to apologise to your friend’s but they understand when you’re not well but slowly they begin to walk away from you like you’re a burden that just intensifies your pain and gives your brain that shudder it doesn’t want to feel.

A vibration and a gulp.

A cognitive distortion and overgeneralisation resulting in four factors.

Anxiety, sadness, helplessness and depression.

It’s always better to just go for any positive opportunity you can because you may surprise yourself at your abilities. You may get there and realise not everything is bad as it seems. Be in a safe environment where you can feel loved and cared for and can project your positive emotions on to others is always the way to go.

If only I could apologise to my friends. If only I could make up for the lost hours when I hid myself away. If only I could apologise to the opportunities in the past.

If only medical professionals accepted me for who I was. If only I could become successful when describing my pain to at least help someone out there.

I hear you, I know you’re struggling.

I feel you, I can feel your pain.

I see you, I can visualise your trauma.

♥️💌♥️

Another day gone

I write this as I’m ready to take the next journey in my life. I don’t want to be accepted. I just want a life.

When I say ‘life’ – I’m all alone. I feel lonely, I feel like everyone around me are having children and I’m just growing through life focusing on positive objectives and occupations that suit my creative abilities except some people look at the borderline personality disorder label and automatically think…well that’s her personality. When it isn’t.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my past that I never intended to do. But I’ve really pulled myself together and on the day I was going to apologise to my previous general practitioner as felt stable – he rejected my appointment because I felt low because of my borderline personality disorder when I was going to enquire about my physical health. Of course he had been supportive in the past but that all changed and we can’t make others understand but in a way I feel really abandoned by the healthcare providers when they do that as it makes me feel like my illness is ‘me’ and not something that needs to be treated.

There’s so much discrimination with borderline personality disorder that it scares me. It scares me because I haven’t got a criminal record; I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and I’ve always picked myself up after a fall. Is that a bad thing?

Sometimes we wish adults can be adults and understand us. I’m great working with children as have many creative ideas but the fact is the label doesn’t give the illness much justice. It just gives others the opportunity to put you down before knowing who you really are and that’s what needs to change 💌

Mental health Awareness Post

#MentalHealthAwarenessPost
Take away the shame of the stigma… Here’s my story of how I defeated my depressive symptoms…

In September 2018 my brain changed. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t fathom what and would think about everything I’ve learnt and compare my symptoms to my prior knowledge.

Over the years I’ve had CBT, counselling, attended Mind and even an acting group to help my symptoms but nothing was taking away the days and the nights I would cry myself to sleep.

I had positive opportunities going for me but my brain just was a blur of confusion – like a sponge soaked in past instability and traumas.

At the age of 20 others started to notice I was depressed and I was put on fluoxetine which worked for me and I managed to get to a good level of stability. In 2015/2016 this no longer worked for me and I couldn’t understand why.

I was reluctant to try anything else as had a bad reaction to the fluoxetine when attempted to try it again and was diagnosed with seretonin activation syndrome in August 2018.

A few weeks before my brain changed I was sleeping a lot more than usual and I honestly thought the depression would never ease.
Well it has. It has intensively.

No I’m not ashamed that I was unwell, I’m ashamed of how my mental health condition affected me at the time but you know what… Sertraline is working for me after six weeks and I couldn’t be more grateful… there IS a treatment for depression.

That’s when I realised the biological aspects of mental health were not understood. But one day they will be so others can get the help they need.

Sometimes we have to stand up to what we believe in. So if you see me being positive thank Science 🧪 🙌
#EndTheStigma

Mental health conditions affect men just as much as women

One of my good friends is a man with the same condition as me and he expresses himself so compassionately I see him as a warrior, a survivor, someone with potential who doesn’t even know it.

I was struggling since I was a child. Why is this relevant?

You cannot predetermine the course of a mental health condition in later adult life. Why are the mental health rates increasing? What can we do about it? People who I’ve fallen out with have made lies up about me and formed their little group and circle and laughed about my difficulties except if they knew the truth they’d eat their own words. That’s the thing about judgement. We all do it. But…

Theres a difference between truth and judgement. I’ve found it really hard to make friends in Stevenage because of my Aspergers Syndrome and BPD and when my brain changed in September 2018 and I had a brief period of feeling suicidal I was convinced it was PTSD or bipolar related but only because I had previously studied three years of psychology and my cognitive ability had rapidly been declining which is coming back on the sertraline.

This is how mental health affects the brain. Occupations worry especially when it comes to health and safety procedures but they don’t need to worry because the equality act helps those with mental health conditions remain in work but I find employers don’t understand the concept of it. People can have lifelong developmental disorders and mental health conditions and be advanced in their literacy or advanced in their practicalities.

Life isn’t a competition. It’s about recognising who we are and what we want out of life and focusing on our health and developments.