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Creative writing: The Innocent Boy

This is his story.

He walked towards the mirror and knealt down on the night of a full moon, it’s reflection mirrored in the glass. He stopped. His inner evaluative speech triggered his thoughts to reconcile the attachment developments he experienced as a child as he remembered all he had courageously fought through; the mirror having no idea of his hot cognition and the thoughts scraping within his frontal lobe, illogical but overwhelming in deep thinking and solitude.

His eyes were an ombré hazel with a white grey lining, luminous with a dark purple centre. His hair an eerie black, full and fine, flowing discreetly past is pale crimson forehead. His nose, a burnt shade of red, pressed against the pane creating a smear of condensated matter.

He peered more deeply.

It wasn’t a mirror or a glass – it was an icy pool of cold moods, his tears icicles of winter snow, his body a sculpture of stillness. It wasn’t a shop window he was peering into – it was a frozen lake. The lake. The lake of death as they call it. The lake that takes the minds of many suffering so quietly, so elegantly, the lake that has created blessings, the lake a pool of a thousand diamonds. Diamonds that couldn’t speak up about their feelings. Diamonds that so swiftly declined and deteriorated due to the pressures of living within a tormented mind with a soft soul. His soul a powerful reminder of his pressured self-esteem – his body so bare. 

Oh how someone would help him, but no one could be seen.

 

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Is it time to rethink borderline personality disorder?

I thought I’d do a post after seeing a post on Facebook about a kind hearted young girl taking her own life because of borderline personality disorder caused by abuse.

I just want to point out the effects of borderline personality disorder and how it may impact on caregivers:

  • BPD are loving individuals
  • They are not dangerous
  • They are warm and caring
  • They isolate themselves when they feel too overwhelmed, they become angry when they are afraid
  • They experience extreme mood swings when faced with interpersonal trauma and/or distress
  • They think with their heart
  • Its one of the most commonly recognised personality disorders
  • During a crisis the sufferer loses control – as a result this can lead to suicide or intense emotional reactions to triggers that relate to the sufferers interpersonal traumas.
  • They have problems interacting with others and dissociate to mask their inner pain
  • They feel lost and abandoned the majority of the time
  • If intensely bullied/abused may experience delusions and hallucinations
  • Is often confused with Histrionic Personality Disorder, dissociative identity disorder, bipolar disorder, ptsd and narcissistic personality disorder.
  • It’s not a label, it’s neurological and affects the areas of the brain responsible for controlling mood
  • Creativity, drama therapy and music therapy helps with restoring the individual to a normal level of functioning
  • Can affect relationships and are at risk of further abuse
  • Are often criticised by the healthcare professions who don’t understand during a crisis the illness can take over the mind of even the most high functioning borderline
  • This needs to be removed from the personality disorders category because it’s the only personality disorder to have the highest suicide rates and personality disorders start before the age of four -bpd is the result of abuse.

 

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What is love?

Love is undefinable. You think the person you love will always deliver the same you give to them. If it’s imbalanced it is destructive.

As Shakespeare once said “The route of all heartache is expectation” 

You can’t expect anyone to love you but you can always hold on to that inner hope. You have to love yourself first, flaws and all. The broken pieces of you make up you. Don’t succumb to anger because that won’t get you anywhere. It will create a false picture of you.

Love has its ups and downs. We all have different qualities and different ways in which we see the world. We all have values, we are not our mistakes. We are the character that arises from the mistake. We are whoever we wish to be. Sometimes we just have to believe in ourselves. Love grows, just like a seed awaiting the sunshine and water. Just like the seasons change. Just like the weather changes. Change is inevitable. Change is something we all have to deal with in our lives whether we want to or not. Change is a blessing in disguise. Change is something we have to be uncomfortable with in order to grow, to realise, to deal with.

It’s natural. Oxytocin is a powerful chemical and it can take over the mind of the most empathetic person.

So you’ve made mistakes in your relationships? You’ve questioned your sanity? You’ve portrayed the unexpected? Those are previous circumstances that don’t define you. Have hope for a positive and loving future. Forgive those who have hurt you in life through actions but share awareness of how those actions can affect the mental health of others.

You know the saying “Don’t mix business with pleasure” – it’s because compassion and love should be private but business should be shared with the world to contribute to new discoveries, new developments, new projects. Something that will shape our future generations.

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Why you should never be ashamed of having a mental health condition 💗

I know how difficult it is to control, I know the intensity of your reactions, I know the stigma, that others should find reason to be scared of you. What society doesn’t appreciate is the way the brain can create abnormal connections through the neurotransmitters affecting the limbic system which needs specifically targeted treatment. You can get accused of being on illegal drugs. You react to the environmental stigmas when you try to explain the changes in your brain, you alienate and isolate yourself, you begin to become more avoidant, you sit and feel like no one understands. You get constantly criticised for having an illness but your true personality is rejected. We all have to make a contribution to society and it’s not mental health sufferers fault they have a mental health condition but to allow people with mental health conditions to get into work and work effectively treatment is essential or companies waste money on statuory sick pay. I think the government needs to introduce a mental health crisis payment which doesn’t affect businesses and companies but allows the sufferer to get the help that they need and allows them to be automatically signed a mental health key worker who works with them in their own home and with their families. So it’s combining sociology with mental health to be able to deliver change to society, to be able to allow the sufferer to demonstrate their capabilities for work and to be able to be a fully functioning member of society. We want to end austerity. We want to pay less taxes to the benefits system so we need to work together to allow people to recover, allow people to access mindfulness groups on the NHS and choose their own wellbeing plan, to choose the treatments they believe would suit them unless they fully lack capacity in which case a mental health professional would need to make that decision for them.

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A solemn night 💫

Chapter One

She took one last step towards him. Her heart jumped at the sight of her illusions. She was questioning herself. She was wondering by unexpectedly. She felt love for him with no understanding of why. This left her craving more. She realised she had absorbed his personality traits and her brain would never be the same.

It began on a cold winter morning. Owls hooted and crickets chirped.  The sun a pale yellow rising above the mist. The atmosphere was quiet and the air had a delicate warmth in its blow. I felt I had exhausted all efforts in trying to rebuild my life. I was lonely. But not lonely as in craving another person to fill my void, lonely as in lacking the capacity to make good appropriate decisions.  I had just left my family home after a disagreement. I felt abandoned, prejudiced, alone. I wanted to find a quiet spot to relax my thoughts and deal with my pain in solitude but everywhere I turned I had the darkest memories of pain reflecting images of anticipation in my environment. I didn’t see the world the way others did back then. I was avoidant. Avoidant of anyone who would bring me pain. Avoidant of anything that would disrupt my thought processes. Avoidant of anything uncomfortable that suffocated me. Avoidant of the my loving inner virtues like something had blocked my ability to love myself and who I was. I was confused. I couldn’t understand back then. I was seventeen. I had just finished my GCSE’s with a high mark in History.  History was my favourite subject because I liked the way evolution had evolved, how technology had camouflaged the art of survival. It was then I knew I still was using my primitive brain. I wanted it to be manipulated to blend in with social norms, I wanted it to stop being fearful of my past. I wanted by brain to stop being on the lookout for danger but it never complied with my conscience. It was then I moved back to my fathers. I had just come out of a relationship that didn’t end well. I loved this man a lot but I was too unstable within the relationship so he ended it with me. I felt rejected. I felt like I wasn’t deserving of love. He had a strong deameanour which I valued. It was never going to work out so that night I cried myself to sleep hoping that one day I’d have a stable relationship with value and consistency. It was then I met him. An unexpected encounter. I was about to embark on a destructive path.

 

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Welcome to Mania

My biggest passion for life is to help another in some way or other.

In a period of depression mixed with mania you lose what matters to you (I hear you), but you’re determined for a fresh start without destroying your creativity.  Sometimes you can’t take in information but can release it. You are judged at face value. You are criticised. You are bruised but they can’t see. At least not with their souls. Use your insight to try to find the way to balance this shift. You know when you’re manic because you have creative objectives doing what you love more than ever. You know when you’re manic because you are irritable and can’t relax. You know when you’re manic because you have so many ideas that you could potentially do. You know you’re manic because you’re not hungry, you’re thirsty for living. You’re thirsty for life. You’re thirsty for capacity. You’re thirsty for everything that is insightful. But you’re fine. At least you think that but prior knowledge is telling you different. You can’t stop it. You can’t control the mania. Your speech isn’t always pressured. It stutters; it switches topic. It speeds up music when you hear it. Have you ever put on a song and it’s all of a sudden sped up and sounding different or in a depressive stage you listen to a song and it has a blunt feeling to it? Your ears are taking in the music but it’s just one bland sound. You have an unlimited capacity for development to manage health efficiently. Have we forgotten the neurobiology of mental health? They think there’s something wrong with you. But it’s an illness. Something they haven’t experienced. We need to work together to end mental health discrimination. We need to be powerful in our purpose. 

📝💙💙

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What mood swings feel like🦋

In its highest moments it shines from the brightest star 💫

It loves people, places, colours, travel, art, creativity, writing, history, culture, plans, ideas, goals, languages, learning, spirituality.

A tidal wave.

In its darkest moments your brain feels suffocated. Your body is in pain, your creativity diminished, your outlook impaired your relationships a struggle, your concentration impacted, your cognition and memories struggle to take any new information in, this scares you. You try to consolidate the memories but you’re lost. How you feel like you’re sinking. But you know it will pass…

You’ll wait till you feel the high once more. 📝✨

You start predicting possibilities, having an open mind, switching interests and hobbies but you can’t control the sudden hostility, The irritability, the anger shifts, your brain is moving so fast like a car on the highway reaching 200mph, you only have the memory of what stability used to feel like. You have the memory of that smile you once had. The time when you were okay but were anxious. Your surroundings confused, disorientated. You holding in that pain; crying at the painful moments.

Then you go back to energised, you forget, you ache, you pace, you laugh, you cry, you forget about the pain they caused you. And you forget the brain is damaged  👇🏻

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The yacht in the ocean

The yacht was still, still as the midnight wind.

Rocking gently creating swirling ripples around its frame

Rocking so slight reflecting the moons shadow

A whistle of air and a swift blow of wind can destroy its still essence and send it plummeting vivaciously into the depths of the unknown.

But listen…

But look…

Did it disappear? Did it rise back to the surface?

It’s rusty. The yacht became damaged. Damaged from its experience.

But the yacht survived.

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A special moment 🖍

It took me a while to figure out what my purpose in life is. Who I should be. I was often comfortable and confused in isolation, alienated from the busy outside world when I found a love for books and writing.

I would spend some days at the British Library in London sitting with a book in solitude – having an open mind at the people who created such an imaginative world where you can escape your inner fears. I may struggle with cognition and statistics but I was not born to be a mathematician. I was born a writer. I was never accepted for who I was throughout my life but I would not subject myself or allow others to deteriorate who I was as a person. I believed in myself and I believed that one day I’d be able to do something positive for someone else.

I listened to others scrutiny. I objectively defined myself based on another’s opinion and this caused me great inner pain. I’ve let go of that inner pain and set myself on a new path – where possibilities are possible, where I can transform the darkest memories imprinted within the surface of my imagination and make something out of the criticism, out of the doubt, out of the controversial abnormality our brains have encompassed us with.

When we build we have to be willing to sacrifice. And when we sacrifice we have to ensure we are looking out for others as well as ourselves.

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Ideas for a mental health business – creating a business plan

Audience: Reformers & Strugglers

Reformers: Are enlightened, freedom, socially aware, independent judgement

Aim: To build a business for mental health sufferers

Name of the business:

Consists of:

  • Groups; Counselling
  • CBT/TB-CBT
  • Arts & crafts Groups
  • Play area/learning support unit for children under the age of 18
  • Personal gym
  • Play area/learning support unit for children under the age of 18
  • Self-development and self-esteem courses
  • Building confidence groups
  • Emotional & domestic abuse support groups
  • Mental health awareness groups
  • Spiritual Mindfulness groups
  • Cookery and life skills courses

 

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What are you capable of?

Ever wondered how you could make a difference to others? Ever wanted to avoid people who drain you?

Your goals over everything. What are you capable of? What are your strengths? What makes you different? What do you enjoy doing?

Do you often listen to others advice without listening to your own? Do you ever feel you can break free from the standardised norms society puts in place?

You may or may not be going through a hard time right now but if you are let yourself heal. The worst moments will pass then create a plan.

If you’re struggling just remember, you’re strong and you have the passion and optimism within you.

What can YOU do? What are YOUR specialities?

1. Print off a CBT workbook and set yourself a time limit every day – 1 hour or even 30 minutes if have children and a hectic life.

2. Take supplements and minimise sugar as this will keep your blood sugar more stable to ease mood swings and will make you feel more energised.

3. Create your own self development folder that no one needs to see but you can fill it out daily.

4. Set yourself creative goals as it has shown by science to improve mental health conditions & ease physical conditions like Fibromyalgia.

5. Socialise with those who won’t judge you for what you experience in your life but would always support you no matter what because they’re the people worth associating with in life.

6. If someone calls you crazy, just remember – great ideas never came from standardised minds. Grades don’t measure intelligence and mental health doesn’t define character. You can achieve anything you truthfully want. Sometimes it takes a life transformation to realise your capabilities. But keep going because you’re strong enough.