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Writing is your safe place

Whenever you feel suppressed or controlled by the world, writing is your safe place. The art of putting feelings into words is a talent in itself.

Been judged recently? Been ridiculed and criticised? Been compared? Been discarded like you don’t even matter?

There will never be another you. People cause the most pain and they can either break us or make us. You’re not the opinions of those who judge you. You’re not a label. You’re a human being with a passion to be part of this world.

Having emotion isn’t a burden. It means you have compassion – a quality that most people have to artificially create. . .

I’m happy today because I’m not in a breakdown. My brains calm. I’m happy and comfortable alone. And I’m not in the state I was in a year ago so I’m already healing.

You can too.

🥰💖

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The broken soul

For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence

My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction

Opening my sorrows on to the open plains

Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding

A crystal essence of satisfaction

Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn

Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating

Sense of fear within the shadows

Awaken my soul with your sensitive light

To feel the heart beat is a blessing

To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience

A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past

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The Isolated Borderline

To the partners of the sufferer. I know how hard you try to help your loved one. I know how hard you try and make communication.

The days your loved one curls up in bed not ready to face the day whilst you put food on the table, the rapid mood swings with such emotional intensity that the sufferer feels devalued because they don’t want to feel that way.

They appreciate you. They love you millions. Even if they don’t show it. They are battling their inner demons crying out for help believing things would get better.

They switch goals easily, they’re depressed, they’re irritable but their social media profiles are full of selfies & posts of self-reflection. They’re expressing their pain so creatively.

The borderline doesn’t want to hurt you. They want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. They want to be able to live a happy life although their positive emotions don’t always reflect their inner mood.

The borderline senses danger. Their minds are in constant flight and fight response because their memories have been moulded to fit in with their most painful experiences. Those who have felt the most pain always know how to love because they know what the opposite is.

Opposites attract. Love releases a chemical called oxytocin within the same brain region that affects the borderline.

Trust me when I say this but she loves you.

She loves you with her heart although she let’s go or tries to keep you when she senses a threat. A threat that you will walk away and find someone else but she passionately tries to avoid to cry herself to the point of self-destruction.

Don’t intend to hurt her because the symptoms will magnify.

Love her as you would yourself; (both men & women)

Break down the stigma. He/she is brave. She has a talent. Help her find it ♡

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Scarcity and Abundance

The first step in emotional dysregulation and self awareness since my borderline personality disorder decided to take partnership back in my life (this time with cptsd that hadn’t happened before after managing to reduce the bpd to traits over the past three years) as I see things in black and white again, is to embrace the positive aspects of who we are. I’m trying to see the grey area between daily. My moods are in alignment with my feelings. My brain is a vibration of chemicals. Crossing the border from scarcity to abundance is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. Abundance is necessary for cognition to be in balance with your emotions. Abundance is necessary for healthier development of the body and mind. Too much oxytocin of negative energy is bad for us. This is the black-white thinking of the borderline. We flip between scarcity and abundance in alignment with the environmental input we attract. We love intensely, we are passionate souls but we crave routine, stability and balance – the highs give me creative abilities and access the part of the brain I didn’t know I had. It’s prosperous but suffocating at the same time. Your brain is consistently looking for that balance & if the balance doesn’t match the positive frequency the borderline retreats and isolates. It’s not a personality disorder as such but a biological change in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus representing every memory you’ve ever experienced, every thought you’ve ever had, every feeling you’ve ever felt and that’s magnified in accordance with our inputs. It’s highly treatable but the creative aspects of this disorder is too positive for us to want to let go. It is a representation of what we desire. We desire balance and alignment. We want a middle ground. We are the only personality disorder to be effectively treated – it’s not our “personality” it’s a brain illness – an offshoot of Complex ptsd/bipolar – theoretically it’s the borderline between these two illnesses. We are the INFJs of the universe – we are the empaths. Ever watched the film Divergent? It explains the empath in society and how they dont fit into a category.

 

1. Physical Energy – Yoga & meditation exercises

2. Point of view – Focus on the here and now

3. Emotional energy – Focus on creative practicalities

4. Mental energy – Feel what your body needs, add nutrients, diet , replenishment, imagine that frequency. Feel that bliss once again. ⭐️

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Criticism of the borderline

Can you imagine strolling through life asking others not to hurt you to only suffer from the after effects of institutionalized discrimination, psychological manipulation and have your life swept from you as if you’re to blame for the abuse you’ve endured out your life.

When borderline ask for help for additional symptoms they haven’t experienced before their past is judged as a reason for the present – like the borderline is unable to heal. Sometimes you have to isolate yourself feeling the depersonalisation, feeling the dissociation being told you’re going round in circles for experiencing emotional flashbacks. . . Complex PTSD can fit your experiences more closely although the efforts throughout to ask for help and support from the care providers can be met with “Its her BPD.”

I’m being raw and honest here because some people fight for survival and positivity. People fight for a life much different from their experiences.

Maybe we need to exchange the indoctrination of what’s wrong with you to what happened to you. Imagine how many lives that will save.

 

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You’ll want to read this!! Borderline & the INFJ

During my last borderline personality disorder crisis at the time I felt I had no control over the changes within my brain and focused so much on the labels and the permanent factor thrust aside them, I didn’t focus my attention on probability and how my memory can cause my anger.

I’ve built on the new from experience.

I felt at the time well if no one close to me cares the world doesn’t and people are out to hurt me. That’s a negative automatic thought that springs to mind as it was a situation of conflict. This was when I realised the distinction between concentration and conflict.

I realised I was focusing so much on the slanderous negative beliefs that others had labelled me with for being abused throughout my life in more ways than one instead of focusing on my goal which was to separate myself from the mental health condition that inspired me to write this blog.

Ive always loved learning. It’s the most positive part of my memory and I’ve always aspired to go on to achieve better things because I had the belief that I could. I knew deep down I deserved better than what I experienced in my life.

Recently I decided to let go of others false beliefs about me as I realised they were judging at face value rather than looking at causality and helping me and I realised I can only help myself. I’m alone the majority of the time so at first was quite skeptical about the borderline personality disorder diagnosis but then from experience as a sufferer I realised what it actually is. A disorder thrust upon empaths. We were born empaths. We have emotions, we know how to love, we have empathy, we are creative, we are intelligent except our compassionate nature can lead us to be attracted to the opposite of who we are as people and that’s narcissm.

The labels never tell you the good things about borderline personality disorder such as good insight, self-awareness, superb long term memory, able to recall memories since a toddler, creative, has a gift, talent or skill, observant, has superb situational judgement, can stay with one person for a lifetime if they honestly love them back, will continue to fight for what’s right, idealistic and compassionate.

My theoretical view of the psychological personality of Borderline Personality Disorder is INFJ. If you have borderline personality disorder then take the Myers Briggs personality disorder questionnaire on 16personalities.com.

List your results in the comments.

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The Neurology of Mental Health

I sit and I wait, and sigh

A dreamer to the observer

A loner to the other eye

My brain slithers

So effortlessly

Through many comparisons of mood

Yet no one understands

The pain.

The headache

The disorganised spelling

Normal speech and a thousand words

Cannot heal this awful curse

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Being open about mental health isn’t attention seeking 💓

In order for others to have their voice heard there needs to be change and there will be change. We need less discrimination in society and more practicicalities to aid individuals with the necessary life skills to be able to do well with their life. Some people want the help and some people don’t. The first step in getting help is to ask. That’s exactly what I did except was met with “I’ve gone through a lot in my life Natalie, what do you want help with today?” – my mental health crisis. Why would the changes in my brain be related to life events – yes a life event triggered it and I don’t drink or do drugs and the impulsivity of BPD decreases over time so I suggested it was complex ptsd instead although my views weren’t heard and it was put down to the one diagnosis I always had. This has made me realise the austerity in relation to mental health and instead of reacting I’ve accepted their views because voicing my feelings and opinion isn’t going to work with mental health professionals. They don’t understand sometimes that not everything is related to life events although they can be triggers. BPD is a mood disorder and does have suicidal thoughts and mania that rapid cycle within a day. I’m so glad I’m at a level of stability. Either that or I’ve been misdiagnosed but either way I’m proud of myself for getting through the suicidal moments 💗

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The Beauty Of The Borderline

When we think of the word “personality” disorder we automatically assign an individual to the description or the theoretical meaning of what is written about the condition rather than look at ways of separating the person from the mental health condition.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mood disorder and can be treated with a mood stabiliser (except never ask a psychiatrist or psychologist for one) they’ll criticise the condition before even knowing a person which is why the mental health crisis is becoming more prevalent in the western world. It’s a neurological brain condition that can be treated although the lack of funding and research means that people have to suffer unnecessarily without their voice being heard. I assumed that professionals would want to understand the person although in some cases this wasn’t the case. I was met with “Just get on with your life.” Why allow someone to deteriorate your condition. Yes I accept their views. Except they haven’t experienced the same experiences I have. They were lecturing me on empathy and compassion like it is wrong to think with your heart. I like thinking with my heart. Except yes in professional occupations I use my head.

I realised that it wasn’t a personality disorder. It borderlines between PTSD and Bipolar affective disorder when I experienced the worst effects of it I ever had. I was constantly paranoid, looking over my every shoulder, expressing my traumas, expressing my weaknesses, asking for a mood stabiliser before commencement of group therapy and CBT but I couldn’t get a mood stabiliser although medical professionals asked me to be persistent I knew that the stigma attached to borderline personality disorder meant my voice wouldn’t be heard. I knew because they were being contradictive in their views about me. I knew because I lost control but I’m using the experience and building upon the new. I have to accept that not everyone has the same views or opinions on a mental health condition and majority influence is a sociological factor that separates others from getting the mental health support they need so sometimes we can only do what’s best for ourselves and encourage our own developments as well as inspiring others because if we don’t the world will take from us the love we’ve always given out.

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Depression

Have you ever looked around you and people all stable and laughing, the walls closing in on you, the hallways swallowing your mind whole, like you’re pushing yourself through quicksand, like your brain is slow and grounded, like you have no control over your anger? In the lowest moments do you sit there and listen to the vibrations of the brain looking at the world in a different way, like the sand meets the shore of the strongest tide, a mind that never stops. A mind that never stops writing, a mind that never stops thinking, a mind that is positive but a brain as a competitor fighting for survival – the soul telling you to stay strong and have hope, the world around you getting tired of listening to your inner pain, the world around you believing you don’t appreciate what you have except you do but it’s not you that’s ill. It’s your brain. Except you know this. After many failures you’re aware of this but you stay strong, you keep at your goals and aspirations because it gives you hope and you give hope to others experiencing the same things. You pace, you sit and wonder, wonder what went wrong, wonder why your ears hear differently, your eyes see the world in a different way. You just wonder. Wonder why the stable mind can’t understand how you feel because they haven’t been there. They haven’t been where you are. It’s okay not to be okay. You may not be perfect, you may not have made good decisions in the past but your brain has a power. A power beyond your wildest thoughts. It’s a brain with passion, a brain with emphasis, a brain that has a better insight of reality.

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What side of the brain do you use?

 

What side of the brain do you use?

The interaction between both is a game of volleyball, a confusing element within its features, a comprehensive account of our genetics and memory processes…
Skills are what motivates us. Experience is what shapes us. Atoms. That’s all we are atoms.

 

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder 💕

It’s a biological illness that affects the brain. You struggle with black and white thinking. You struggle to find any grey area in your life. You love with intensity but the problem with borderline personality disorder is when you think and you think and you think you can say things that come across as manipulative even when there’s no intentions to. True manipulation is subtle. True manipulation is not visibly observant by the public eye. You become foolish in your behaviour, overgeneralise your inner anger. Anger derives from wanting to project what you feel is right but in borderline personality disorder you need to look at ways you can see the grey area in between the emotions, see the grey area in our lives. You become so distrustful and avoidant of people because of previous experiences you begin to create, create in isolation. Creative work gives others a sense of fulfilment, a release, a sense of compassion. There needs to be new treatments for borderline personality disorder. Most borderlines are writers, actors, musicians and have learned narcissistic traits because they’re battling with the memories that shaped them. They write about the way they feel because it’s the brain’s way of processing earlier experiences. It’s the brain’s way of communicating inner distress and pain. It’s treatable but not curable and depending on individual circumstances can intensify unexpectedly. They are fragile but strong. They are loving but afraid. They struggle with opposites that masks the grey area in between 💗📝