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The thinking of the borderline.

Hours upon hours you daydream in to space; clusters of stars in your vision and anxiety in your core.

Then Silence. Then anticipation. Then sleep. 

You wake up in pain, afraid of what will happen next, feeling guilt about your mistakes, waiting for the next person to abandon you or pick on you.

And then it happens. 

You begin to feel worthless. That somebody you exposed your raw emotions to walked out on you. The colleague from work you trusted despises you. You start putting yourself down wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. Wondering if you’ll ever be the ideal image for someone else.

Ironic isn’t it? The “ideal self”; what is ideal anyway? You use projection as a survival tool which others find so paralyzing to understand because your pain is magnified to an intensity and projected in the outside environment as well as within the cobwebs of your synapses.

It’s important to know that borderlines don’t have an “Ideal Image”. They split and struggle to find a singular identities. Notice how I say identities?

Because the borderline is constantly shifting between their goals and aspirations. They’re psychotic symptoms during periods of extreme stress are mocked by the very people who are supposed to help them. How are they supposed to accept their emotions and moods need treating if you mock them for feeling a certain way because a borderline unintentionally gets angry and enters a crisis where they become detached from reality consumed in their very thoughts that tore them down to begin with.

A pillow soaked in tears and a disappearing friends list;

A feeling of self-blame and then suddenly outwardly blaming others believing that people are plotting to hurt them … and then someone does hurt them. They say horrible things. The borderline becomes self-reflected, alienated and lonely. A loss within oneself. Remembering traumatic memories. The brain vibrating at different levels of mood whilst your body floats in despairing emotions.

This is the borderline pain.

 

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Writing is your safe place

Whenever you feel suppressed or controlled by the world, writing is your safe place. The art of putting feelings into words is a talent in itself.

Been judged recently? Been ridiculed and criticised? Been compared? Been discarded like you don’t even matter?

There will never be another you. People cause the most pain and they can either break us or make us. You’re not the opinions of those who judge you. You’re not a label. You’re a human being with a passion to be part of this world.

Having emotion isn’t a burden. It means you have compassion – a quality that most people have to artificially create. . .

I’m happy today because I’m not in a breakdown. My brains calm. I’m happy and comfortable alone. And I’m not in the state I was in a year ago so I’m already healing.

You can too.

🥰💖

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The room in which I’m neither awake or asleep

Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…

Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.

After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.

Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.

 

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The broken soul

For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence

My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction

Opening my sorrows on to the open plains

Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding

A crystal essence of satisfaction

Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn

Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating

Sense of fear within the shadows

Awaken my soul with your sensitive light

To feel the heart beat is a blessing

To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience

A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past

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What does depression feel like?

Depression is more than just a low mood, it’s more than a label, it’s more than laziness, it’s not someone’s personality.

Depression is the feeling of helplessness, the fighting to be optimistic, the steady humming in the frontal lobe, the sleep less nights accompanied by its neighbour; anxiety.

When does biological depression start? How does it start? What differentiates bipolar depression from bipolar depression? How do we judge others in moments they lose control, being passive aggressive fighting for help and and met with “Just get on with your life.”

Depression is an invisible sponge, a clouded perception coated in salt. Depression is the heart beating fast, the busyness of the world seeming either fast forward or in slow motion.

Depression is crying every night, depression is an abnormal function within the brain with neurons firing faster than the speed of light.

Depression is a source of pain one cannot describe unless experienced it in their darkest moments. It’s a brain illness; not an excuse.

No one would want to feel that way if they had a choice ♡

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Mental health Awareness Post

#MentalHealthAwarenessPost
Take away the shame of the stigma… Here’s my story of how I defeated my depressive symptoms…

In September 2018 my brain changed. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t fathom what and would think about everything I’ve learnt and compare my symptoms to my prior knowledge.

Over the years I’ve had CBT, counselling, attended Mind and even an acting group to help my symptoms but nothing was taking away the days and the nights I would cry myself to sleep.

I had positive opportunities going for me but my brain just was a blur of confusion – like a sponge soaked in past instability and traumas.

At the age of 20 others started to notice I was depressed and I was put on fluoxetine which worked for me and I managed to get to a good level of stability. In 2015/2016 this no longer worked for me and I couldn’t understand why.

I was reluctant to try anything else as had a bad reaction to the fluoxetine when attempted to try it again and was diagnosed with seretonin activation syndrome in August 2018.

A few weeks before my brain changed I was sleeping a lot more than usual and I honestly thought the depression would never ease.
Well it has. It has intensively.

No I’m not ashamed that I was unwell, I’m ashamed of how my mental health condition affected me at the time but you know what… Sertraline is working for me after six weeks and I couldn’t be more grateful… there IS a treatment for depression.

That’s when I realised the biological aspects of mental health were not understood. But one day they will be so others can get the help they need.

Sometimes we have to stand up to what we believe in. So if you see me being positive thank Science 🧪 🙌
#EndTheStigma

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Measuring moods

One night I sat there contemplating my ‘depression’ thinking why do I feel depressed when I have many things going for me? Why do I experience mood swings and shifts in my perspective? Why I feel lost without a source of comfort in times of need.

I thought up an idea as I was researching how to ease anxiety…

Create a personal project:

So how do we measure mood? Well, the answer is quite simple…

1. Create a two week routine diary and template recording sleep patterns, medication

2. Add a column and a row with the title mood

3. Add a column and a row with the title situation

4. Record your moods in the column

Don’t forget to add the times and dates!!

The aim of this exercise is to establish whether sociology factors are responsible for the way you feel or biological factors. It helps to distinguish between biological mental health and sociological mental health.

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The difference between ‘thinking’ and mental health conditions

So we’ve all heard the saying – ‘If you can change your thoughts you can change your life.’

Yes this is true…

 

But…

 

Mental health conditions can affect an individual neurologically, physically and mentally that can have a substantial impact on everyday life. Some mental health conditions require medication to keep the brain functioning properly.

We can all change our thoughts through cognitive behavioural therapy or positive thinking programmes… but when does mental health require medication?

Has there ever been a time when you wasn’t yourself? Have you ever felt your brain vibrating? Have you ever experienced personality changes and attacks? Have you ever isolated yourself because of excessive mood swings you couldn’t work out why it wouldn’t stop just by thinking about it? This is more than likely a biological mental health condition.

These types of conditions require medication.

 

What I tend to find in the present day mental health profession is if an individual has been neglected throughout their life then they are seen as unable to improve their present situation and the past experiences used against them when this isn’t the case because ANYONE can improve themselves and their lives. It takes the right amount of understanding, the right amount of support and the appropriate treatment.

Yes I believe in chemical imbalances because I’ve experienced it. It’s time to end mental health discrimination and change the future for generations to come.

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How do we increase our awareness of our selves?

How do we build upon our self-esteem?

  • Write a list of what you value about yourself and how you can make a difference to other people’s lives
  • Write down a list of characteristics you want and believe you already have them
  • Write down a list of positive achievements and attributes you’ve created in your life and how you created them as this will keep the mind focused on creating new ideologies
  • What are your hobbies? Do you confirm to the individual beside you or do you trust your own intuition?
  • If you could have any career you want what career would you choose?
  • Define yourself, take the pen, make a work of art 🖼
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Positive activities completed this morning 💓

Just a normal day, I woke up, made myself a tea, and did some anagrams to gain interpersonal skills and allow myself to think better cognitively. Which lead me with an idea:

1. Create a spider diagram of one descriptive word in the centre that describes your core personality and create anagrams of all those leaves that stem from the descriptive word that you create. Write them down.

2. Write a paragraph of how you felt about yourself and what you discovered about yourself.

3. Looked at my diary and took my sertraline and listed things to do today in a specified time-frame

4. Completed critical thinking exercises from worksheets I printed

5. Wrote in my CBT record

This is how I grow 💙

 

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A month on sertraline

My symptoms have calmed down a lot since being on the sertraline and limiting contact with the negative people who hurt me in my past. I’m doing what’s necessary for my health as not many people understand the way our experiences can consume us. I managed to get my negative symptoms under control through drama therapy and creative therapies. The traumatic rememinders were new and I think both of them together created a morph of delusion – someone that wasn’t me. I often think why on earth would adults intend to bring me down. Doctors even said to me “You had your own place right?” Yes because I was homeless years ago. That’s insignificant. It’s in the past. I was made homeless because I had nowhere to go and no support network but why would I intend to hurt another human being? I wouldn’t. I get afraid in relationships – afraid of being hurt. I witnessed long term abuse as a child and I grew up wanting to help others so chose the psychology degree and paid £200 for a mind course at the head quarters in London in 2018 to exercise my skills and awareness on mental health. It wasn’t until I made a silly mistake and fall poorly with a new mental health issue that I realised something was wrong. I fall still and breakdown just like any other human being… although the Sertraline is fabulous for me at the moment.

Hey, we are all on a journey. Life is hard for us all in some way or another. Except I have no one. But it’s peaceful. I suppose I like the way wind blows when you’re in isolation and the way the rain falls on my window pane. I suppose I feel comfortable knowing I’ve always got me and always got my back. Some people call it loneliness I call it safety and solitude 💗

 

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Depression

Have you ever looked around you and people all stable and laughing, the walls closing in on you, the hallways swallowing your mind whole, like you’re pushing yourself through quicksand, like your brain is slow and grounded, like you have no control over your anger? In the lowest moments do you sit there and listen to the vibrations of the brain looking at the world in a different way, like the sand meets the shore of the strongest tide, a mind that never stops. A mind that never stops writing, a mind that never stops thinking, a mind that is positive but a brain as a competitor fighting for survival – the soul telling you to stay strong and have hope, the world around you getting tired of listening to your inner pain, the world around you believing you don’t appreciate what you have except you do but it’s not you that’s ill. It’s your brain. Except you know this. After many failures you’re aware of this but you stay strong, you keep at your goals and aspirations because it gives you hope and you give hope to others experiencing the same things. You pace, you sit and wonder, wonder what went wrong, wonder why your ears hear differently, your eyes see the world in a different way. You just wonder. Wonder why the stable mind can’t understand how you feel because they haven’t been there. They haven’t been where you are. It’s okay not to be okay. You may not be perfect, you may not have made good decisions in the past but your brain has a power. A power beyond your wildest thoughts. It’s a brain with passion, a brain with emphasis, a brain that has a better insight of reality.