The room in which I’m neither awake or asleep

Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…

Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.

After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.

Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.

 

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The broken soul

For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence

My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction

Opening my sorrows on to the open plains

Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding

A crystal essence of satisfaction

Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn

Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating

Sense of fear within the shadows

Awaken my soul with your sensitive light

To feel the heart beat is a blessing

To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience

A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past

What does depression feel like?

Depression is more than just a low mood, it’s more than a label, it’s more than laziness, it’s not someone’s personality.

Depression is the feeling of helplessness, the fighting to be optimistic, the steady humming in the frontal lobe, the sleep less nights accompanied by its neighbour; anxiety.

When does biological depression start? How does it start? What differentiates bipolar depression from bipolar depression? How do we judge others in moments they lose control, being passive aggressive fighting for help and and met with “Just get on with your life.”

Depression is an invisible sponge, a clouded perception coated in salt. Depression is the heart beating fast, the busyness of the world seeming either fast forward or in slow motion.

Depression is crying every night, depression is an abnormal function within the brain with neurons firing faster than the speed of light.

Depression is a source of pain one cannot describe unless experienced it in their darkest moments. It’s a brain illness; not an excuse.

No one would want to feel that way if they had a choice ♡

Mental health Awareness Post

#MentalHealthAwarenessPost
Take away the shame of the stigma… Here’s my story of how I defeated my depressive symptoms…

In September 2018 my brain changed. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t fathom what and would think about everything I’ve learnt and compare my symptoms to my prior knowledge.

Over the years I’ve had CBT, counselling, attended Mind and even an acting group to help my symptoms but nothing was taking away the days and the nights I would cry myself to sleep.

I had positive opportunities going for me but my brain just was a blur of confusion – like a sponge soaked in past instability and traumas.

At the age of 20 others started to notice I was depressed and I was put on fluoxetine which worked for me and I managed to get to a good level of stability. In 2015/2016 this no longer worked for me and I couldn’t understand why.

I was reluctant to try anything else as had a bad reaction to the fluoxetine when attempted to try it again and was diagnosed with seretonin activation syndrome in August 2018.

A few weeks before my brain changed I was sleeping a lot more than usual and I honestly thought the depression would never ease.
Well it has. It has intensively.

No I’m not ashamed that I was unwell, I’m ashamed of how my mental health condition affected me at the time but you know what… Sertraline is working for me after six weeks and I couldn’t be more grateful… there IS a treatment for depression.

That’s when I realised the biological aspects of mental health were not understood. But one day they will be so others can get the help they need.

Sometimes we have to stand up to what we believe in. So if you see me being positive thank Science 🧪 🙌
#EndTheStigma

Measuring moods

One night I sat there contemplating my ‘depression’ thinking why do I feel depressed when I have many things going for me? Why do I experience mood swings and shifts in my perspective? Why I feel lost without a source of comfort in times of need.

I thought up an idea as I was researching how to ease anxiety…

Create a personal project:

So how do we measure mood? Well, the answer is quite simple…

1. Create a two week routine diary and template recording sleep patterns, medication

2. Add a column and a row with the title mood

3. Add a column and a row with the title situation

4. Record your moods in the column

Don’t forget to add the times and dates!!

The aim of this exercise is to establish whether sociology factors are responsible for the way you feel or biological factors. It helps to distinguish between biological mental health and sociological mental health.

The difference between ‘thinking’ and mental health conditions

So we’ve all heard the saying – ‘If you can change your thoughts you can change your life.’

Yes this is true…

 

But…

 

Mental health conditions can affect an individual neurologically, physically and mentally that can have a substantial impact on everyday life. Some mental health conditions require medication to keep the brain functioning properly.

We can all change our thoughts through cognitive behavioural therapy or positive thinking programmes… but when does mental health require medication?

Has there ever been a time when you wasn’t yourself? Have you ever felt your brain vibrating? Have you ever experienced personality changes and attacks? Have you ever isolated yourself because of excessive mood swings you couldn’t work out why it wouldn’t stop just by thinking about it? This is more than likely a biological mental health condition.

These types of conditions require medication.

 

What I tend to find in the present day mental health profession is if an individual has been neglected throughout their life then they are seen as unable to improve their present situation and the past experiences used against them when this isn’t the case because ANYONE can improve themselves and their lives. It takes the right amount of understanding, the right amount of support and the appropriate treatment.

Yes I believe in chemical imbalances because I’ve experienced it. It’s time to end mental health discrimination and change the future for generations to come.

How do we increase our awareness of our selves?

How do we build upon our self-esteem?

  • Write a list of what you value about yourself and how you can make a difference to other people’s lives
  • Write down a list of characteristics you want and believe you already have them
  • Write down a list of positive achievements and attributes you’ve created in your life and how you created them as this will keep the mind focused on creating new ideologies
  • What are your hobbies? Do you confirm to the individual beside you or do you trust your own intuition?
  • If you could have any career you want what career would you choose?
  • Define yourself, take the pen, make a work of art 🖼