A Day In The Highlands

It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog although today I thought I’d share some wonderful news.

I’ve moved to Scotland although I’m happier emotionally my depression is slowly creeping back, bleak and hollow, sleepless nights and vibrating minds. I get suicidal thoughts every couple of days but distract myself although I’m in control in that scenario. I know it’s my brain just unwell and poorly and it gives me the motivation to beat through it. . .

I’ve met a few of my housemates who are lovely, did some food shopping and wrote a list of wellbeing groups to attend. I am finally settling into my new home although there is one person I miss wholeheartedly. My ex partner. I dont care about what happened between us in the past. He was a diamond in a sea bed of rocks. I always saw the best in him and love him so much although it’s not a possibility to ever get back together it’s like saying goodbye to a good friend.

I shouldn’t have fallen back in love but you can’t stop yourself from just feeling so passionately about someone. I guess that’s life. I suppose that’s why I get annoyed when others consider me to be narcissistic because of my borderline personality disorder when I’m the complete opposite – I feel too much and love too much and it sends my brain into overdrive in a mordernised society although it’s possible to fall in love again but for now it’s settling down in my new home ♡


Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet


This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

The room in which I’m neither awake or asleep

Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…

Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.

After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.

Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.


A cynical society

What is normal? How do we establish a concept of being or behaving normal?

Thirty years ago the act of using social media would in itself be regarded as abnormal so is there such thing as normal or are we all bombarded with conflicting ideas of opinion rather than fact or expressions based on experience. Really think about it.

If we could all be our ideal selves we would all crave what the majority of us want such as crystal clear filtered water, good food and permanent safety except in the present age we are reminded continuosly of the dangers presented in the world sometimes for the wrong reasons. It’s good to spread awareness to help others but we are doctrined to accept that adults should be emotionless souls and if they react and don’t comply with society norms then they have a mental disorder.

It’s completely abnormal to be heartless, insensitive and crave dictatorship. It’s abnormal to want to control others. It’s abnormal to want to see another person suffer out of bitterness and jealousy and so I ask the question again…

What is normal?

The broken soul

For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence

My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction

Opening my sorrows on to the open plains

Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding

A crystal essence of satisfaction

Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn

Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating

Sense of fear within the shadows

Awaken my soul with your sensitive light

To feel the heart beat is a blessing

To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience

A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past

Recognising Manipulation to save lives

The effects of manipulation are diverse. It can control your thoughts, your behaviours, isolate you from your family and friends, create emotional instability, traumatise the brain to the point you’re repetitively thinking about the manipulation over and over again. Your thoughts don’t run in alignment with what you say.

Your brain begins to use suppression techniques to survive further trauma, it changes the way you see the world.

Manipulative people lack empathy, they are only interested in watching you suffer, they control how others see you, they use normative social influence to destroy others perception of you. You end up feeling out of control and powerless wanting to remain positive.

Trauma survivors are insightful. They seek a world where understanding is prevalent & safety is a priority. Narcissistic injury creates a guilt & shame based perspective that induces suicidal feelings.  You begin to gradually decline in your physical and emotional development. You doubt your perceptions. You begin trusting less & less until the damage intensifies and you’re seen as the blame. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse they’ve had to suffer in their lives except more trauma based resources need to be available especially for emotional abuse support groups.

The differentiation between domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse is in narcissistic abuse the perpetrator is usually calm and collected whilst the victim becomes even more ill steadily over a period of time until they have a catastrophic personality change and realise this isn’t right and start acting out at the traumas they’ve experienced as if they’re in the present whilst in domestic abuse it’s more overtly obvious to the medical and psychological community.

Wondering Minds

Different moods can portray different emotions in different contexts representing different meanings so we can never force someone to understand things from our point of view as we all have different values and we all create a different image of what we feel certain words and phrases mean.

Let me give an example; 

Not everyone likes Sushi right? Everyone has a different taste in food so when people judge another person because of agreeing with the higher status of a proposed group then humans can transfer their opinions to fit in with the expectations of a particular group. That’s what the saying says about following the crowd, you know, the sheep and the crowd?

Always trust your instinct because only you truthfully know who you really are. The world can be a cruel place because of greed, trust yourself but love one another. Keep your circle small for a happy and prosperous life.

The Low Mood

From the naked eye you see a smile

A delightful smile of a woman who has everything

What you don’t see are the bricks within the decorated walls

The bricks that weigh down her emotions

The bricks that fall on her heavy as she sleeps

You can’t see the bricks she holds within herself

So you judge, you assume, you scoff

It doesn’t hurt to be a little kind

For a mental health illness is heavy

Not a personal failure or a mistake

Mental health isn’t a means for ridicule

Mental health should be a means for recovery


The Borderline & NLP

Borderlines have a very comprehensive view of what they believe to be right from personal experience.

Is Borderline Personality Disorder genetic or environmental? Are there any courses out there that can channel the way borderlines think and process information?

In a crisis it is extremely hard to put across a viewpoint from another’s perspective and borderlines only really present themselves to the psychological services during a crisis when they lose control and start panicking because of the various fluctuation of moods, the suicidal thoughts and the paranoia. Expressing their pain can bring on more stigma within healthcare professions because healthcare providers fail to understand why the borderline just can’t switch off.

There’s a reason for this:

1. Most borderlines have experienced consistent neglect and abuse and attracted themselves to emotionally unavailable people because it’s less suffocating and then have relationship difficulties because of failed emotional response which triggers their primitive brain into overdrive and drives the borderline into a constant state of fear and panic with lack of rationality hence the term emotionally unstable person disorder is used more often for diagnostic purposes. The anger of the borderline during a crisis is usually triggered so in actual fact borderline personality disorder is the borderline between bipolar affective disorder and PTSD which is mostly why the CPTSD term was introduced in Spring of 2018.

Why does it border between PTSD and Bipolar?

  • The anger is unintentional and normally triggered by a reminder of a previous traumatic experience
  • Thoughts can be creative and manic and any stage especially during relationships or extreme psychological distress
  • Borderlines can come across as openly manipulative which is HIGHLY unintentional but they do when they are asking someone to help them or to stop their symptoms, sometimes even to evaluate their experiences when their senses go right out the window.
  • They can become increasingly agitated and hyper vigilant and their brains are often in flight/fight response so if you’re a medical professional and you’re judging someone based on their reactions to a traumatic experience then that’s unfair and unjust because if the borderline didn’t want to feel that way believe me they wouldn’t. People make unrealistic biases based on descriptions of labels without understanding the underlying causes and concepts which of course doesn’t get straight to the root of the issue. I call this the domino effect. For example, let’s say someone has toothache. A dentist will not say it will heal – they will open your mouth and find the cause of the issue and treat the infection. The same integrative therapy must be introduced into psychotherapy to effectively communicate with a borderline. So how will NLP help this? Neurolinguistic programme is a way of introducing positive thoughts as a way of communication – a bit like watching the secret by Rhonda Byrne. Look up NLP courses online and design programmes to assist a borderline during therapy.
  • All borderlines have a talent or skill but it’s up to them to find that skill and create lasting positive effects to their wellbeing and self-esteem through counselling and creative therapies before thrusting themselves into the world of the unknown where anything can happen and because their primitive brains know this they can easily become confused, struggle with comprehensive input although have exceptional knowledgeable output and come across as lacking empathy when borderlines have too much empathy as empathy drives our emotional boundaries. The outdated labels create shame and stigma combined with the overt perception of the illness so why is it called a personality disorder? This is something the medical researchers and higher professionals need to change in order to stop the rising suicidal rates so take the advice from a true borderline. Every borderline has a different personality. We cant all have double personalities!! Some borderlines may also be re-diagnosed as having Unspecified Personality Disorder when their symptoms have stabilised after a crisis and some may have additional CPTSD which can make it difficult to pin an identifiable cause of their symptoms as they could have experienced MULTIPLE interpersonal traumas and long term abuse.
  • Let’s end stigma today and be more positive and proactive in helping another borderline

So now we come to question.. is BPD environmental or genetic?

Its both. It’s both because trauma can have specific effects on the memory consolidation process and the individual themselves which changes the function of the brain and is a flight or fight response to negative environmental factors that trigger their symptoms.

Sometimes we can only be patient, not take things to heart and wait for a borderline to come through their crisis helping them along the way without taking the negative reactions personally .

Forest Imagery

Allow your soul to feel the warmth of the summer air as you close your eyes and imagine an exotic beach surrounded by fields of sunflowers and dandelions dancing in alignment with the velvet green grass.

Your soul feels passion, it feels delight, it is the symphony of the milk way, an inner warmth that only you can feel.

Really close your eyes. Imagine the blazing hot sun shimmering between the trees separating the path from the shadows, forests of soilders standing guard of engraved copper caves watching over the sea guiding the ships and its sailors.

Imagine a safe spot within the forest where you can let go of your thoughts, a feeling of self-control and self-comfort listening to the echoes of natures most glorious species.

A lighthouse with a light bearing a ninety degree view of the soft white sand.

Breathe in an out slowly but deeply for five minutes whilst imaging the beauty of the forest. The forest by the shore.

What does depression feel like?

Depression is more than just a low mood, it’s more than a label, it’s more than laziness, it’s not someone’s personality.

Depression is the feeling of helplessness, the fighting to be optimistic, the steady humming in the frontal lobe, the sleep less nights accompanied by its neighbour; anxiety.

When does biological depression start? How does it start? What differentiates bipolar depression from bipolar depression? How do we judge others in moments they lose control, being passive aggressive fighting for help and and met with “Just get on with your life.”

Depression is an invisible sponge, a clouded perception coated in salt. Depression is the heart beating fast, the busyness of the world seeming either fast forward or in slow motion.

Depression is crying every night, depression is an abnormal function within the brain with neurons firing faster than the speed of light.

Depression is a source of pain one cannot describe unless experienced it in their darkest moments. It’s a brain illness; not an excuse.

No one would want to feel that way if they had a choice ♡

Symbols & Indoctrinations

One way to separate an individual from a mental health label is to ask them their values. 

Values are what separates each individual retrospectively. For example, one person may choose to live in a busy city to work for a top technology firm because they enjoy communication and applying their skills to the general population whereas another person may choose to live in a quiet area surrounded by natural sources such as caves, rivers and twinkling streams.

We all have collective personalities and memories different from another except with the same concept of referring to a memory. These concepts are generated symbols designed by our unconscious to describe our perception and outlook.

The advertising we see are unconscious influencers to our desired wants rather than needs which leaves humans wanting more than what they have hence the rising mental health rates in the western world. Simply, they are symbols. Everything you see is a symbol or a pattern of past events which may be political, scientific, spiritual, genetic- you name it. Everything we see is made up of the five senses and these senses create an improvised network to deliver a message to a sample of a population. Popularity comes from advancements aimed to influence the majority of the population to create a norm, like an establishment of power.

Each symbol will have a different meaning to its peers except when mental health labels are given to us within society yet once people hear someone they know has a mental health condition that isn’t visually observant they begin to analyse and interpret the meaning of that label as an overgeneralised symbol which doesn’t help with separating the individual from the mental health condition. I mean really think about it. People cause the most suffering. Political views have created wars  we’ve evolved and used money to give humans a class status, we have first class and standard class on trains and VIP nightclub venues which makes some people feel worthless and unimportant and doesn’t support equality in the slightest.

We can only craft our own meaning of ourselves and set our own boundaries because if we don’t we allow others to do that for us.