This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.
Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.
Thank you x
Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…
Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.
After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.
Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.
What is normal? How do we establish a concept of being or behaving normal?
Thirty years ago the act of using social media would in itself be regarded as abnormal so is there such thing as normal or are we all bombarded with conflicting ideas of opinion rather than fact or expressions based on experience. Really think about it.
If we could all be our ideal selves we would all crave what the majority of us want such as crystal clear filtered water, good food and permanent safety except in the present age we are reminded continuosly of the dangers presented in the world sometimes for the wrong reasons. It’s good to spread awareness to help others but we are doctrined to accept that adults should be emotionless souls and if they react and don’t comply with society norms then they have a mental disorder.
It’s completely abnormal to be heartless, insensitive and crave dictatorship. It’s abnormal to want to control others. It’s abnormal to want to see another person suffer out of bitterness and jealousy and so I ask the question again…
What is normal?
For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence
My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction
Opening my sorrows on to the open plains
Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding
A crystal essence of satisfaction
Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn
Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating
Sense of fear within the shadows
Awaken my soul with your sensitive light
To feel the heart beat is a blessing
To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience
A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past
The effects of manipulation are diverse. It can control your thoughts, your behaviours, isolate you from your family and friends, create emotional instability, traumatise the brain to the point you’re repetitively thinking about the manipulation over and over again. Your thoughts don’t run in alignment with what you say.
Your brain begins to use suppression techniques to survive further trauma, it changes the way you see the world.
Manipulative people lack empathy, they are only interested in watching you suffer, they control how others see you, they use normative social influence to destroy others perception of you. You end up feeling out of control and powerless wanting to remain positive.
Trauma survivors are insightful. They seek a world where understanding is prevalent & safety is a priority. Narcissistic injury creates a guilt & shame based perspective that induces suicidal feelings. You begin to gradually decline in your physical and emotional development. You doubt your perceptions. You begin trusting less & less until the damage intensifies and you’re seen as the blame. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse they’ve had to suffer in their lives except more trauma based resources need to be available especially for emotional abuse support groups.
The differentiation between domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse is in narcissistic abuse the perpetrator is usually calm and collected whilst the victim becomes even more ill steadily over a period of time until they have a catastrophic personality change and realise this isn’t right and start acting out at the traumas they’ve experienced as if they’re in the present whilst in domestic abuse it’s more overtly obvious to the medical and psychological community.
Different moods can portray different emotions in different contexts representing different meanings so we can never force someone to understand things from our point of view as we all have different values and we all create a different image of what we feel certain words and phrases mean.
Let me give an example;
Not everyone likes Sushi right? Everyone has a different taste in food so when people judge another person because of agreeing with the higher status of a proposed group then humans can transfer their opinions to fit in with the expectations of a particular group. That’s what the saying says about following the crowd, you know, the sheep and the crowd?
Always trust your instinct because only you truthfully know who you really are. The world can be a cruel place because of greed, trust yourself but love one another. Keep your circle small for a happy and prosperous life.
From the naked eye you see a smile
A delightful smile of a woman who has everything
What you don’t see are the bricks within the decorated walls
The bricks that weigh down her emotions
The bricks that fall on her heavy as she sleeps
You can’t see the bricks she holds within herself
So you judge, you assume, you scoff
It doesn’t hurt to be a little kind
For a mental health illness is heavy
Not a personal failure or a mistake
Mental health isn’t a means for ridicule
Mental health should be a means for recovery