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My creative side awakens

I have my first ever dialogue feature film audition on Saturday. The thing I love about acting is you can portray just about any emotion in a specific context with a comprised script and become a character other than your own. Sounds cool? Maybe? Just?

I am so excited. If I pass the audition it means I’m eligible for equity of the movie that will be released nationwide.

I’m putting my all in to the audition to show the talent that I have. Of course we have to be open to rejection but acting and the creative arts are the occupations that never fail to lighten my heart.

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Conformity conformity conformity

If you’ve ever studied psychology then nine times out of ten you would have heard of Milgrams experiment.

If we want to dive deep into the consciousness of our souls we have to look at the social factors too.

Psychology says that a small group of people will conform to an authority figure even if they had done wrong.

Worrying isn’t it?

For example, let’s say a general practitioner failed in his duty of care for a patient and conflict arose. The patient is more likely to be viewed as the problem if the general practitioner gave a false account of events.

Isn’t this enough reason not to allow anyone to define you? Labels are supposed to guide us, help us and motivate us. Labels are not there for discrimination.

To build a better world it all starts from within. Let go of the weights that pull you down.

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The world inside my head

I sometimes look back at my past decisions and think of ways I could change some of those decisions, although I always here the same advice: Life is about choices. But what if we made choices that we wouldn’t make if we were well within ourselves?

To me, life is about causality and effect. Holistic and integrative therapies are common in the western world that doesn’t always support the biological psychological theory of mental illness which is dangerous. It’s dangerous because if we are not encouragingly open then we can’t deliver change to future generations for better mental health care.

When I’m low I write a poem. My poems come through me instantly like someone is telling me what to write except it’s all my own work and I speak from the soul. It’s more like a psycho analytical therapy using this blog. I enjoy writing because it helps me balance my thoughts in a cognitive way even when my moods low and hard to handle.

I always wonder if I will ever be good for anyone. I worry about my illnesses affecting them. I worry that I won’t make the best girlfriend. I worry so much because to me love is special and I may have fallen for people who were not right for me in the past or the wrong circumstances I can’t imagine anyone falling for me. I don’t see it in my near future and it does put me off relationships.

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My inner spiral

My inner spiral churns at every angle

Wanting freedom from brain captivity

Emotions on cue but moods not in alignment

She paces through the streets

Daydreaming and staring into the atmosphere

Time at a fast forward pace

Everything moving so fast

Ideas coming through like a bolt of lightening

No one understands

How deeply exotic the highs are

How worryingly submissive the lows are

If only she could turn off her moods

Keep hold of her positive emotions in balance with a blissful mood

She would be at peace

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Within the Shadows

Within the shadows she lurks

Fighting to see the sun through the moonlight

Capturing her flaws and diminishing her evil

She sharpens her wand

Looking for her next ladybird

A treasure hunt you may say

Or a trip down memory lane

Where the fairies and the gnomes gather

Forming magical lanterns

To light their natural habitat

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The Onlookers (Poem)

The ridicule from the onlookers

Towards those with a damaged mind

Reflecting the evil and exposing the suppression

Conformity of the closing blinds

 

What is it they’re asking?

What is it they’re mocking?

Something they don’t personally understand

But lingers in their twilight shadow

 

Crowds of laughter but tears full of pain

When they become those they laughed at

Their hearts will fill with shame

 

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A Day In The Highlands

It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog although today I thought I’d share some wonderful news.

I’ve moved to Scotland although I’m happier emotionally my depression is slowly creeping back, bleak and hollow, sleepless nights and vibrating minds. I get suicidal thoughts every couple of days but distract myself although I’m in control in that scenario. I know it’s my brain just unwell and poorly and it gives me the motivation to beat through it. . .

I’ve met a few of my housemates who are lovely, did some food shopping and wrote a list of wellbeing groups to attend. I am finally settling into my new home although there is one person I miss wholeheartedly. My ex partner. I dont care about what happened between us in the past. He was a diamond in a sea bed of rocks. I always saw the best in him and love him so much although it’s not a possibility to ever get back together it’s like saying goodbye to a good friend.

I shouldn’t have fallen back in love but you can’t stop yourself from just feeling so passionately about someone. I guess that’s life. I suppose that’s why I get annoyed when others consider me to be narcissistic because of my borderline personality disorder when I’m the complete opposite – I feel too much and love too much and it sends my brain into overdrive in a mordernised society although it’s possible to fall in love again but for now it’s settling down in my new home ♡

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Stevenage woman with borderline personality disorder speaks out ahead of Mental Health Awareness Week | Stevenage, Hitchin, Letchworth, Biggleswade News – The Comet

https://www.thecomet.net/news/stevenage-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder-speaks-out-1-6042184

This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.

Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.

Thank you x

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The room in which I’m neither awake or asleep

Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…

Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.

After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.

Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.

 

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A cynical society

What is normal? How do we establish a concept of being or behaving normal?

Thirty years ago the act of using social media would in itself be regarded as abnormal so is there such thing as normal or are we all bombarded with conflicting ideas of opinion rather than fact or expressions based on experience. Really think about it.

If we could all be our ideal selves we would all crave what the majority of us want such as crystal clear filtered water, good food and permanent safety except in the present age we are reminded continuosly of the dangers presented in the world sometimes for the wrong reasons. It’s good to spread awareness to help others but we are doctrined to accept that adults should be emotionless souls and if they react and don’t comply with society norms then they have a mental disorder.

It’s completely abnormal to be heartless, insensitive and crave dictatorship. It’s abnormal to want to control others. It’s abnormal to want to see another person suffer out of bitterness and jealousy and so I ask the question again…

What is normal?

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The broken soul

For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence

My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction

Opening my sorrows on to the open plains

Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding

A crystal essence of satisfaction

Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn

Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating

Sense of fear within the shadows

Awaken my soul with your sensitive light

To feel the heart beat is a blessing

To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience

A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past