It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog although today I thought I’d share some wonderful news.
I’ve moved to Scotland although I’m happier emotionally my depression is slowly creeping back, bleak and hollow, sleepless nights and vibrating minds. I get suicidal thoughts every couple of days but distract myself although I’m in control in that scenario. I know it’s my brain just unwell and poorly and it gives me the motivation to beat through it. . .
I’ve met a few of my housemates who are lovely, did some food shopping and wrote a list of wellbeing groups to attend. I am finally settling into my new home although there is one person I miss wholeheartedly. My ex partner. I dont care about what happened between us in the past. He was a diamond in a sea bed of rocks. I always saw the best in him and love him so much although it’s not a possibility to ever get back together it’s like saying goodbye to a good friend.
I shouldn’t have fallen back in love but you can’t stop yourself from just feeling so passionately about someone. I guess that’s life. I suppose that’s why I get annoyed when others consider me to be narcissistic because of my borderline personality disorder when I’m the complete opposite – I feel too much and love too much and it sends my brain into overdrive in a mordernised society although it’s possible to fall in love again but for now it’s settling down in my new home ♡
This is a story I did for the local news in Stevenage regarding Borderline Personality Disorder although chose to remain anonymous as it gets the message across to the mental health professionals and the public to aid better research to help others.
Please take a read and share if you can as will help at least one person.
Thank you x
Good evening, settle down quietly whilst you listen to the waves within my neurotransmitters sending complex messages to my delicate frontal lobe…
Explore the depths of the darkest roots and the narrowing thoughts depression emphasises.
After three months on the Sertraline my anger and impulsivity has been managed with the medication which I am immensely grateful for although the depression still lingers. I have to force myself out of bed, force a smile, stop repeatedly asking the mental health service to save me when I’ve only ever encountered a very few people face to face with the same symptoms as mine who are understanding with my depressive and manic moods. I’m lost in wonder at the dark destruction of the world. When I’m manic I can only identify the mania when I’m writing as I tend to create ideas I wouldn’t think of from the top of my head as if I was depressed.
Last Saturday I went to Champneys – I know, relaxing day spa, quiet music and mini facials – what more could an individual want? On the way in the taxi I had this panic attack that was the worst one I have had in about 3 years. It completely controlled my body, the palpitations fired through my river like veins and I felt a sense of doom, a sense that something wasn’t quite right about my brain. I knew something wasnt right because I was attending a relaxing place with warm water and glistening white walls with a peaceful natural scenery and it took me a while to calm down. The Sertraline is a baseline medication that keeps me alive although I wouldn’t say I’m in a normal mood as I’m sleeping a lot of the time and I didn’t know this but apparently if you keep going to mental health during a crisis they will automatically think you want a diagnosis if you tell them what is wrong with you- I had no idea. So it’s made me feel differently about approaching the mental health team although I took my brother away on a little break this week to clear the mind so participating in any positive activity I can does make substantial difference.
What is normal? How do we establish a concept of being or behaving normal?
Thirty years ago the act of using social media would in itself be regarded as abnormal so is there such thing as normal or are we all bombarded with conflicting ideas of opinion rather than fact or expressions based on experience. Really think about it.
If we could all be our ideal selves we would all crave what the majority of us want such as crystal clear filtered water, good food and permanent safety except in the present age we are reminded continuosly of the dangers presented in the world sometimes for the wrong reasons. It’s good to spread awareness to help others but we are doctrined to accept that adults should be emotionless souls and if they react and don’t comply with society norms then they have a mental disorder.
It’s completely abnormal to be heartless, insensitive and crave dictatorship. It’s abnormal to want to control others. It’s abnormal to want to see another person suffer out of bitterness and jealousy and so I ask the question again…
What is normal?
For all the times you blamed me for my indulgence
My capacity to be positive in the light of destruction
Opening my sorrows on to the open plains
Sewing the past in the fabric of my bedding
A crystal essence of satisfaction
Moods in alignment with dusk and dawn
Emotions comprehensive and encapsulating
Sense of fear within the shadows
Awaken my soul with your sensitive light
To feel the heart beat is a blessing
To feel the brain crunch and turn at every negative experience
A drop of turmoil invisible to those who judge me for my past