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Worlds Apart

I’m moving to Scotland for a better life and new beginning…

I asked for help too much for my mental health symptoms where I live at the moment and put myself in vulnerable positions I wouldn’t have put myself in if I was well enough at the time.

I can hear others be critical. The only reason why borderlines express how they feel so much is because they want the right help especially for their depression which is biological. Sadly no mental health community want to take on the responsibility of investigating possible future treatments which is a shame as just creates unnecessary loss of function, sickness & creates more pain.

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Always have a hobby

Perfection doesn’t exist. We are all unique in our own ways. I’ve taught myself how to code over the weekend and found it enjoyable. I even went on a hen night with my cousins and found myself to be more sociable again all thanks to Sertraline.

I look back at all those that criticised my depression when I was fighting to keep myself alive and just think one day they could be I  the same position and experience the same effects. Sertraline keeps me coping it keeps me alive. It balances my neurotransmitters and I’m not ashamed of that.

I’m never ashamed of mental health. I’m not ashamed because everyone has a mental health issue to a certain degree and sometimes we don’t realise how much something can affect us until we experience the effects of what we have experienced.

I’ve always been a borderline but a loving borderline at that. It’s not a “Dustbin” diagnosis but understanding of this mental illness is crucial for developments within psychology.

Let’s create a more fair and understanding world.

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Scarcity and Abundance

The first step in emotional dysregulation and self awareness since my borderline personality disorder decided to take partnership back in my life (this time with cptsd that hadn’t happened before after managing to reduce the bpd to traits over the past three years) as I see things in black and white again, is to embrace the positive aspects of who we are. I’m trying to see the grey area between daily. My moods are in alignment with my feelings. My brain is a vibration of chemicals. Crossing the border from scarcity to abundance is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. Abundance is necessary for cognition to be in balance with your emotions. Abundance is necessary for healthier development of the body and mind. Too much oxytocin of negative energy is bad for us. This is the black-white thinking of the borderline. We flip between scarcity and abundance in alignment with the environmental input we attract. We love intensely, we are passionate souls but we crave routine, stability and balance – the highs give me creative abilities and access the part of the brain I didn’t know I had. It’s prosperous but suffocating at the same time. Your brain is consistently looking for that balance & if the balance doesn’t match the positive frequency the borderline retreats and isolates. It’s not a personality disorder as such but a biological change in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus representing every memory you’ve ever experienced, every thought you’ve ever had, every feeling you’ve ever felt and that’s magnified in accordance with our inputs. It’s highly treatable but the creative aspects of this disorder is too positive for us to want to let go. It is a representation of what we desire. We desire balance and alignment. We want a middle ground. We are the only personality disorder to be effectively treated – it’s not our “personality” it’s a brain illness – an offshoot of Complex ptsd/bipolar – theoretically it’s the borderline between these two illnesses. We are the INFJs of the universe – we are the empaths. Ever watched the film Divergent? It explains the empath in society and how they dont fit into a category.

 

1. Physical Energy – Yoga & meditation exercises

2. Point of view – Focus on the here and now

3. Emotional energy – Focus on creative practicalities

4. Mental energy – Feel what your body needs, add nutrients, diet , replenishment, imagine that frequency. Feel that bliss once again. ⭐️

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Criticism of the borderline

Can you imagine strolling through life asking others not to hurt you to only suffer from the after effects of institutionalized discrimination, psychological manipulation and have your life swept from you as if you’re to blame for the abuse you’ve endured out your life.

When borderline ask for help for additional symptoms they haven’t experienced before their past is judged as a reason for the present – like the borderline is unable to heal. Sometimes you have to isolate yourself feeling the depersonalisation, feeling the dissociation being told you’re going round in circles for experiencing emotional flashbacks. . . Complex PTSD can fit your experiences more closely although the efforts throughout to ask for help and support from the care providers can be met with “Its her BPD.”

I’m being raw and honest here because some people fight for survival and positivity. People fight for a life much different from their experiences.

Maybe we need to exchange the indoctrination of what’s wrong with you to what happened to you. Imagine how many lives that will save.

 

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The born empath

I was born in Hendon, London, in 1992 to a young mum.

My mum was barely 16 when she gave birth to me. My first memories were mum reading me a story, taking me to the seaside every other weekend when travel was less expensive and my favourite – taking me to the doctors surgery to find out what was wrong with me.

She’s too advanced for a three year old they would say. She can predict things before they happen they would say. She’s too sensitive they would say.  She’s a true born empath. Empaths exist. They’re spiritual souls who dont fit in amongst the crowd but have their own quirky values. Empaths love creating, writing, making, working on own initiative and love. Empaths like feeling. Empaths like intuition. Empaths absorb others emotions and wear them on their own hearts.

 

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The anxiety awakens (poem)

I shiver in my night dress

Windows open and curtains flowing

Hearing the rain patter ever so gently on the window sill

A body frozen in the present moment

A mind that wanders into the inevitable past

A brain that squelches beneath the skull

A yawn that is icy and has no echo

Everything is still

Everything is silent

I’m frozen in time

So I wait for a rescuer

Except my soul is cold

My soul is broken

You can see my smile

But you can’t see the shiver in my vertebrae

Who are you to judge?

Do you feel the same way?

Maybe not…

Or maybe so…

Help me in a way that you’d help yourself

Crying. Lonely. Shaking.

No one there for comfort

 

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What does missing an antidepressant do to your brain!?

If you have a chemical imbalance within your brain, missing one capsule can have a devastating effect on your health and your life.

I was subject to this. I was wallowing through life, replenishing my soul, afraid to dream of my shadows, afraid to break the eggshells I stepped upon until I spoke up. I spoke up because I had to. I spoke up to save my own life. I spoke up because my soul was fighting for survival. Because of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder people were horrible to me about my illness and that’s when I remembered Einstein’s quote; “The evil of the world isn’t those who do evil but those who look on without doing anything.”

I remembered my worth. I remembered that I had a soul. I remembered that I’d never lower myself to the level of those who hurt, betrayed or laughed at me during the difficult times. I fought a battle to explain how some conditions affect the brain except my voice wasn’t heard much. I suppose those in medical power sometimes feel like because they have control it makes them feel better to allow others to struggle. Ever heard of the Milgram experiment? Exactly. There’s very few people we can truthfully trust in this world and ourselves has to be the first because if we don’t look out for ourselves we will only be met with more stigma, more discrimination and an ancient society.

It’s time to make change. It’s time to make a difference. I’m living proof that mental health conditions do change the brain and I’m also living prove a borderline can have empathy. What do I owe to the world? My faith. My charisma. My skills. My passion. My love. Education, respect and dignity to all those who are dealing with their demons in the most extraordinary way.

Keep going because you are strong. We will end discrimination and your talents will shine through the cobwebs that plagued your soul. 💙

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Set yourself a goal

Some people wonder about their goals and aspirations. A few things you need to ask yourself first…

  1. What are the best characteristics of your personality
  2. What are your hobbies?
  3. What does success mean to you?
  4. What do you classify as your strengths?
  5. How does the present define you?
  6. What is your goal objective?
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The Marilyn Project

Marilyn Monroe, our historical icon, wore her curves with dignity, her smile with force and her clothes with style.

Monroe was abused as a child and grew up with mental health difficulties that lead her to take her own life so many years ago. In the age of social media it’s really important people are able to be open about their mental health difficulties to prevent farther suicides. .

It is happening all too frequently. Why are people ashamed of asking for help? Together we can create a marilyn project to save the lives of millions by doing five simple things. Understand, listen, research, accept, help.

Help each other and save a life.

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The Wishing Glass

Wash up a glass sauce jar, cut up little pieces of scrap paper and draw a face on them with the mood you are in three times a day at the same hour for two weeks. Write the date and come back to the jar a few weeks later.

What does the paper say about your moods?

Is there a specific time when you feel more better during the day? Keep a record and write down a list of your abilities, your hobbies and your potential.

Learn new creative skills and share your experiences with others ♡

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Daily Drive

This is a personal blog about the way I feel and how I view others which may or may not contradict others ideas and views although this blog isn’t here to change their minds about who I am as a person. Its here to show the effects of mental health illness that I personally struggle with although things have greatly improved.

This week I was involved in a Bollywood film production for the second time, created some mental health gift boxes to raise money for charity and improve young peoples mental health and managed to get myself back into work doing what I love. I’m a gentle soul with big ambition and although you can’t see my struggles I’m gradually learning acceptance which is a dialectical behavioural therapy method; to acknowledge that your emotions are real and they are valid.

Those who don’t suffer with serious mental health illnesses find it difficult to understand because their mindset isn’t the same.

Mental health is so controversial because of conform and adaptation to what is seen as stability that most sufferers end up alone because of the stigma attached to the sufferer with the description of the label.

We need to stop asking What’s wrong with you and start asking what happened to you and what is the cause?

You cannot see a trees roots unless you dig up the soil.

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Till death do us part

A tree never forgets it’s roots right? Well nethier do people. 

Observation is a gift. It’s a resemblance of being open-minded. I’m not one of those people who says “Get over yourself” or “You’re just being silly” if someone opens up to me about a problem. I’m the type of person who understands real world situations and what I found extremely interesting about my ability of situational judgement is I could look at the whole picture rather than fragmented parts of others. I look ahead. I look into their soul. A true born empath with the power to make change. The power to make awareness to stop abuse. I’m not a perfect person at all. I have reacted out of fear but never intentionally. Real world abuse is consistent and forms a pattern of behaviour consistent in all settings.

Depression gives a broad view of reality. You notice the counterparts of others negative energy, you notice when the tide creeps in amongst the clay modelled sand and then you strategically build a sandcastle from an element of gratitude, a passion for greatness and the willpower to achieve.

I’m self-reflective. I understand sociology. I understand that life isn’t simple. I understand about suicide because I’ve attempted before and survived. Am I ashamed of being unwell in the past? No because I wouldn’t want another soul feeling the way I did. When I look back and think at the people who laughed at me, criticised me, made me feel powerless amongst their peers, made assumptions, used heuristics and biases to separate me from my passions in life I realised I allowed them to do that because I was unwell at the time.

Its like a game of chess. Some people use iterative reasoning to feel comfortable in their lives and some people (toxic people) use strategic interaction to bring down their opponent. Sometimes you have to take a step back to get to the checkmate.