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How do we increase our awareness of our selves?

How do we build upon our self-esteem?

  • Write a list of what you value about yourself and how you can make a difference to other people’s lives
  • Write down a list of characteristics you want and believe you already have them
  • Write down a list of positive achievements and attributes you’ve created in your life and how you created them as this will keep the mind focused on creating new ideologies
  • What are your hobbies? Do you confirm to the individual beside you or do you trust your own intuition?
  • If you could have any career you want what career would you choose?
  • Define yourself, take the pen, make a work of art 🖼
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The Beauty Of The Borderline

When we think of the word “personality” disorder we automatically assign an individual to the description or the theoretical meaning of what is written about the condition rather than look at ways of separating the person from the mental health condition.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mood disorder and can be treated with a mood stabiliser (except never ask a psychiatrist or psychologist for one) they’ll criticise the condition before even knowing a person which is why the mental health crisis is becoming more prevalent in the western world. It’s a neurological brain condition that can be treated although the lack of funding and research means that people have to suffer unnecessarily without their voice being heard. I assumed that professionals would want to understand the person although in some cases this wasn’t the case. I was met with “Just get on with your life.” Why allow someone to deteriorate your condition. Yes I accept their views. Except they haven’t experienced the same experiences I have. They were lecturing me on empathy and compassion like it is wrong to think with your heart. I like thinking with my heart. Except yes in professional occupations I use my head.

I realised that it wasn’t a personality disorder. It borderlines between PTSD and Bipolar affective disorder when I experienced the worst effects of it I ever had. I was constantly paranoid, looking over my every shoulder, expressing my traumas, expressing my weaknesses, asking for a mood stabiliser before commencement of group therapy and CBT but I couldn’t get a mood stabiliser although medical professionals asked me to be persistent I knew that the stigma attached to borderline personality disorder meant my voice wouldn’t be heard. I knew because they were being contradictive in their views about me. I knew because I lost control but I’m using the experience and building upon the new. I have to accept that not everyone has the same views or opinions on a mental health condition and majority influence is a sociological factor that separates others from getting the mental health support they need so sometimes we can only do what’s best for ourselves and encourage our own developments as well as inspiring others because if we don’t the world will take from us the love we’ve always given out.

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Positive activities completed this morning 💓

Just a normal day, I woke up, made myself a tea, and did some anagrams to gain interpersonal skills and allow myself to think better cognitively. Which lead me with an idea:

1. Create a spider diagram of one descriptive word in the centre that describes your core personality and create anagrams of all those leaves that stem from the descriptive word that you create. Write them down.

2. Write a paragraph of how you felt about yourself and what you discovered about yourself.

3. Looked at my diary and took my sertraline and listed things to do today in a specified time-frame

4. Completed critical thinking exercises from worksheets I printed

5. Wrote in my CBT record

This is how I grow 💙

 

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Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig 💓

My experience with depression related illnesses is that it comes from the brain or the tiny centre of the nucleus accumbens…In September 2018 I experienced a whirring inside of my brain 🧠 like my head had literally been shoved in a washing machine and I couldn’t make out what was right or what was wrong anymore – the outside world seemed different, like I could see the world in a total different way. It was like a switch had flickered in my brain and my brain was just a whizz of electric current.

I’ve started to read this book called “Reasons to stay alive” by Matt Haig based upon his own experiences with depression and how he managed to get through it – it was a book I came across when I was suicidal. I thought no healthy mind understands the biological mechanisms of a mental health illness so I have to try my best to get myself through the worst although at this point I couldn’t read properly or concentrate but I could express information and knowledge I had no awareness of ever learning and started to create new fascinating ideas – this was when they said it was borderline personality disorder. I was convinced it was depression because I was so suicidal but because of my “positive” core personality traits rather than the way I was feeling or presenting at face value the depression side went unnoticed so I surrendered to what I believe would help me recover which was try my best at self-help worksheets.

This passage of the book struck a chord with me because I felt exactly the same and it’s comforting to listen to another’s story based upon similar experiences. I hope this lightens another’s soul too…

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The broken moon 🌒

What is the meaning of an eclipse?

Is it a partial disturbance of evil covering the light of the stone’s soul?

What is the meaning of night?

Is it to rest our bodies or minds?

What is the meaning of the holes on the moons surface?

Does it emphasise the holes we carry within our hearts?

What is the meaning of a broken soul?

An awareness that there’s a missing piece – a missing part of you that you can’t comprehend. . .

But it’s always the same moon. The same moon we all look up to.

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A month on sertraline

My symptoms have calmed down a lot since being on the sertraline and limiting contact with the negative people who hurt me in my past. I’m doing what’s necessary for my health as not many people understand the way our experiences can consume us. I managed to get my negative symptoms under control through drama therapy and creative therapies. The traumatic rememinders were new and I think both of them together created a morph of delusion – someone that wasn’t me. I often think why on earth would adults intend to bring me down. Doctors even said to me “You had your own place right?” Yes because I was homeless years ago. That’s insignificant. It’s in the past. I was made homeless because I had nowhere to go and no support network but why would I intend to hurt another human being? I wouldn’t. I get afraid in relationships – afraid of being hurt. I witnessed long term abuse as a child and I grew up wanting to help others so chose the psychology degree and paid £200 for a mind course at the head quarters in London in 2018 to exercise my skills and awareness on mental health. It wasn’t until I made a silly mistake and fall poorly with a new mental health issue that I realised something was wrong. I fall still and breakdown just like any other human being… although the Sertraline is fabulous for me at the moment.

Hey, we are all on a journey. Life is hard for us all in some way or another. Except I have no one. But it’s peaceful. I suppose I like the way wind blows when you’re in isolation and the way the rain falls on my window pane. I suppose I feel comfortable knowing I’ve always got me and always got my back. Some people call it loneliness I call it safety and solitude 💗

 

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Thankful what I have 💗

I’m alone in the world. I’m about to embark on a journey to the Scottish Capital within a month. Wanting an education and a degree meant so much to me and I messed that up for myself by getting involved with toxic people and can only get a year funding so appealing it. Anyone should be entitled to an education if they really want it. I need to get back into socialising in a positive community again and I may have skills but I need practical life skills and to be around my siblings. I’m literally estranged in England with no one and have to give up everything I worked for but I’m thankful for the positive experiences. Sometimes a mental health crisis is beyond our control and it’s okay not to be okay.

I’m proud of myself for getting this far anyhow and looking forward to building a new future 💗

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She kept her head up when the world tried to break her down 💕

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What does remembering trauma feel like?

Trauma – many of us have gone through a lot in our lives but when do our traumas consume us? When they have a significant impact on our day to day functioning.

Triggers can be anywhere. A survivor of trauma can develop coping mechanisms when their brains go into overdrive during the fight/flight response and appear angry but not be an angry person.

Triggers can be environments, sights, smells, or people resembling the trauma you experienced. The reason why perpetrators get away with it is because of  the victims defence mechanisms – sometimes you can get nightmares, missing words out in texts, intense distressing feelings and rely heavily on prescription medication.

In complex PTSD the survivor normally has preoccupation with the abuser for a period of time when trying to process their interpersonal trauma within the memory consolidation process.

Be kind, these people require support – you never know what someone has been through until you walk in their shoes.

 

 

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Be worthy

You’re Worthy 💙

Grow

Let Others

Define Your worth

Allow others to

Destroy you, but don’t

Let them

Be that broken piece

Forgive those who played with your mind

Begin Again

You are suffering, I see

But . . .

You failed, I understand

Now read it bottom up !! 💕📝

 

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Jealousy👋😑

Jealousy is a no go in my books. No ambitious mind has ever been jealous of another’s assets or prospects. No jealous mind has ever deprived an individual intentionally.

No jealous mind has ever thought “I want what they have.” 

Jealousy is a sin. It is an asset of the weak hearted who criticise others because that’s just who they are.

Moral & Rule Of Life:

Be kind to an individual who respects you, never dim their shine.

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A poem that was published when I was a child 📝

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