Who am I? (Short text)

Who am I do you ask?

I am the air invisible between the division of speed and time. The fire that burns within her soul. The water that reddens the eyes. Or could that be the salt? Why is there a lot of salt in the sea? Is it to say tears are bitter? Is the sea a pool of tears? But you can’t see my pain. You don’t feel what I feel. You only see what you wish to see – your perception is somewhat different from mine. I’m delirious in thought but seductive in appearance.No matter where I go hallowing thoughts affect my neurotransmitters – my brain is different from yours. I see things as a purpose. Any moment I want to collapse physically, but my body is fine – or is it? These palpitations I feel beat suddenly even when there’s nothing to fear – so it’s clear my heart is working, my body can stand, my eyes can see and I know where I am – the only problem is I don’t know who I am. Some would say I have anxiety. But what is it? Some don’t even believe persistent anxiety even exists but it does. I’m just the tide waiting for the next full moon.


How does Borderline personality disorder/cptsd affect relationships?

From experience the way I look at it is our primitive brains were designed to look out for danger, to be on the lookout for threats so if you’ve consolidated unhealthy ways of forming relationships into your memory process and you’ve witnessed instability in your parents relationships or had consistent negative feedback about your behaviour as a child then you’re going to pick up on those negative behaviours and learn traits of those behaviours subjective to the personality disorder criteria. You’re going to fall in love quickly because your brain is wanting love but it just doesn’t know how to handle its intensity yet. You’re going to feel dissociated, and the mood swings will start. You’re going to feel anxious, you fear what happened to you in the past. You fear you’ll never be able to love properly and if you fall in love with someone who lacks the ability to be able to love but has a false deameanour this is only going to activate the flight and fight response of your brain even more. As the relationship progresses and these people keep bringing you down subtly and not listening to your pain or your feelings you’re going to feel abandoned, you’re going to feel rejected but by then your brain has already gone into a wild state of fear with delusions and hallucinations especially when you walk away to prevent an episode. This can also happen with complex ptsd. Complex ptsd symptoms are specifically noticeable if the individual has come out of an emotionally abusive relationship. People become triggers you lose your trust in the world, you become paranoid with regular suicidal feelings but when you walk away from the triggers that induce these feelings your personality can go back to normal, the compulsion stops, the horrible memories of the past. That’s complex ptsd.

The way you reacted, the way you dealt with your pain doesn’t define you. When you’ve got through the head vibrations and the attacks, when you’ve got through that process you become more aware. You become more aware of your triggers. And if you’ve suffered more than one type of abuse certain places, events, can trigger your primitive brains to react in the moment in those places. You’ll feel numbed in your emotions emotional at the same time or happen at different intervals. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to work in acknowledging what it is you’re afraid of. What triggers your brain to go into overdrive and what strategies you need to take to ensure it doesn’t happen again. It’s how it affects you’re daily life. Not theirs. You deserve a relationship where there is mutual love, mutual consistency, someone who is emotionally intelligent to be able to signify the event of a crisis. I know how it feels to ruminate what these people did to you, I know that, I’ve felt it. But it passes you can begin to let go. Healing is a process.


Welcome to Mania

My biggest passion for life is to help another in some way or other.

In a period of depression mixed with mania you lose what matters to you (I hear you), but you’re determined for a fresh start without destroying your creativity.  Sometimes you can’t take in information but can release it. You are judged at face value. You are criticised. You are bruised but they can’t see. At least not with their souls. Use your insight to try to find the way to balance this shift. You know when you’re manic because you have creative objectives doing what you love more than ever. You know when you’re manic because you are irritable and can’t relax. You know when you’re manic because you have so many ideas that you could potentially do. You know you’re manic because you’re not hungry, you’re thirsty for living. You’re thirsty for life. You’re thirsty for capacity. You’re thirsty for everything that is insightful. But you’re fine. At least you think that but prior knowledge is telling you different. You can’t stop it. You can’t control the mania. Your speech isn’t always pressured. It stutters; it switches topic. It speeds up music when you hear it. Have you ever put on a song and it’s all of a sudden sped up and sounding different or in a depressive stage you listen to a song and it has a blunt feeling to it? Your ears are taking in the music but it’s just one bland sound. You have an unlimited capacity for development to manage health efficiently. Have we forgotten the neurobiology of mental health? They think there’s something wrong with you. But it’s an illness. Something they haven’t experienced. We need to work together to end mental health discrimination. We need to be powerful in our purpose. 



What mood swings feel like🦋

In its highest moments it shines from the brightest star 💫

It loves people, places, colours, travel, art, creativity, writing, history, culture, plans, ideas, goals, languages, learning, spirituality.

A tidal wave.

In its darkest moments your brain feels suffocated. Your body is in pain, your creativity diminished, your outlook impaired your relationships a struggle, your concentration impacted, your cognition and memories struggle to take any new information in, this scares you. You try to consolidate the memories but you’re lost. How you feel like you’re sinking. But you know it will pass…

You’ll wait till you feel the high once more. 📝✨

You start predicting possibilities, having an open mind, switching interests and hobbies but you can’t control the sudden hostility, The irritability, the anger shifts, your brain is moving so fast like a car on the highway reaching 200mph, you only have the memory of what stability used to feel like. You have the memory of that smile you once had. The time when you were okay but were anxious. Your surroundings confused, disorientated. You holding in that pain; crying at the painful moments.

Then you go back to energised, you forget, you ache, you pace, you laugh, you cry, you forget about the pain they caused you. And you forget the brain is damaged  👇🏻


Love as a metaphor

Love is something that has to be felt. Love doesn’t discriminate. You can’t choose who you fall in love with. You can’t please everyone in the world. For love to be special it has to be returned. Love is different from the casual encounter after a few drinks at the pub. Love is just that. Love. It manifests in so many ways and you wouldn’t even know it was there. Not all relationships are meant to be. Sometimes you have to take a step back and think are you making the right decision? Do you want this person? Love is accepting the person as they are but you have to be strong in your maturity if you know they’re not right for you. Regardless of the love you have for them to protect your own soul. To protect your own sanity. Love isn’t an adjective. It’s a beautiful thing. Some people can take advantage of the love you have left to give and we can only share so much. Sometimes you have to ask yourself…

Am I in the right relationship? Are there ways I can leave this person without causing them pain? Breakups are hard right? But not as hard as battling mental health issues to the point of self-destruction and fixing yourself repetitively feeling guilty and worthless. If they’re hurting ask yourself – did I listen to her? Did I return the love he/she tried to give me? Was I accepting of her and what she was trying to tell me? Are you wasting your life with the wrong person. Eccentric right? Perhaps? Have you felt love? It’s a shining source – a source of inner power that comes from you. Her love was special and you let her go. You unconsciously knew you hurt her but you didn’t want to. You knew because you kept coming back. You kept her in your shadow. You want her you just can’t admit it because you know of the stigma. You know that others won’t accept the change. But you project your fears into her mind. You push her away from any other source of love or support network because she meant something to you. She was a broken heart but a loving one at that. You knew she was different. You knew it was hard to let her go – but did you understand her? Did you want the best for her? Or did you miss what used to be.



The transition period of awakening

When you awaken, beware of the dark. Turn on the lights. Flick that switch. It’s a bumpy road. It swallows you into the picturesque memories of the past. The balloon you once held as a child. The first cries you heard from your sibling. The first competition you won in infant school. The first church you went to. The first tree you climbed. The first people you met. The arguments you witnessed. The instability you felt. The loss of love you felt. The reaching out but feeling neglected. The first beach you went to as a child being scared of the sand – the feeling. How it felt uncomfortable. How this small child would fidget in nursery and teachers couldn’t make her stop. How she had the reading ability of a twelve year old at the age of three but was behind in her comprehension skills, the girl who was countlessly told something was “wrong” with her? The girl who could have grown up conversations at the age of four. Playing outside and enjoying playscheme in her small London Town. She awoke and she remembered who she was. She was born with this spiritual nature. This gift of compassion. The ability to not be afraid of her vulnerabilities but she knew others couldn’t see her life long pain. She knew. She knew because she was endlessly shown her flaws that masked her beauty.📆


More inspiring quotes

I thought today would be a productive day to sip tea, focus on what I could do to relax and began flicking through a book called “Emotional Intelligence” by Gill Hasson.

One quote from the book which really caught my eye and inspires me to write more was written by Paul Cezanne:

Genius is the ability to reknew one’s emotions in daily experience” 

Im renewing my emotions. I’m filling myself with more ideas, more opportunities, collectively and in alignment with my core personality.

Another quote which really questions how I perceive my environment is from Anais Nin:

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are” 

The outside world is shaped by our perceptions. We are able to predict what could potentially happen without any evidence beforehand. How is that so? Why are we the only planet with life? Why is there never an ending to the universe? How has life formed on one planet with synchronised body clocks and a sun and a moon to let us know when to sleep and to wake. What is the purpose of life? Have we forgotten who we were? Have we ever been so thirsty for money we have forgotten to see the beauty of the world? Life is an amazing source of imagination that is endlessly questionable.


The quiet part of Majorca

Majorca was one of the first holidays I went on as a child. It holds the best memories I had as a child so choose this place to go on holiday because of its calmness, it’s tranquility, it’s history that is relatable to mine. I stayed in a hotel on the south coast. It was quiet. And peaceful. I slept most of the time listening to the waves – feeling relaxation and a sense of safety like I was being listened to by nature. Nature always has its perks with me. I love everything that’s alive. Ironic right? When you suffer so deeply within yourself. Maybe it’s Limbic Resonance? Maybe just maybe…


Is there a link between creativity and mental illness?



There are many websites speculating there is a link between creativity and mental illness. Is it specific to a certain type of mental illness? Is it specific to the individual? Or is it both?

It wasn’t till I had these flights of ideas I assumed am I bipolar or am I just creative?

Acting school must have taught me in some way to withhold my moods from the public eye as when I joined Sylvia Young Theatre School in 2016 I used it as a type of DBT therapy and used graded exposure to relieve my anxiety and depression and they helped me in portraying my feelings to an audience. They helped me to talk about what was on my mind in a creative way within a small group which I found extremely effective. I was happy I had found such a supportive environment for myself to express myself creatively.

I then found a small office job to try develop my confidence to speak to people over the phone because I couldn’t do that beforehand. I wanted to prove to myself that I can whilst helping another person without them knowing who you are. I thought if Sylvia Young Theatre school can do what I seemed impossible with me then I could do other things to help myself. I’m being sensible whilst learning to adapt to the new changes. I’m writing. Which is a beautiful essence in itself. I’m a sole person. I am still growing, still learning, still wanting to be loved where there is a mutual connection although my mother recently said to me “Natalie, you’re a mystery”.

I like being a mystery. I like being odd – I want stability but I want stability in a creative way. I want to write to help others – not to hurt them like some have hurt me. I want to be able to use insightful expression to create new ideas, write stories, write poems, and write write write.


Why choose to write?

Writing has to have a personal element to it. It has to be original. It has to have value. It has verbs, nouns, adjectives, cliches, imagination, betrayal, love, compassion, every emotion, thought and feeling.

Writing is something that is enjoyable. It is something that is capable of critical thinking despite cognitive distortions, despite separation from reality. It combines all elements.

I for one possibly do the contradictive which is combine sociology, literature, creativity, psychology, philosophy, experience, health, and many other subjects to create a written piece of art that has meaning. That delivers an important message. That you are not alone. And you can make change and you can make a difference to the world. It takes a lot to build and work upon ourselves. Healing is a process but writing is an expression. Acting is an expression. Art is an expression. What our brain is projecting is the shape of our being.


The yacht in the ocean

The yacht was still, still as the midnight wind.

Rocking gently creating swirling ripples around its frame

Rocking so slight reflecting the moons shadow

A whistle of air and a swift blow of wind can destroy its still essence and send it plummeting vivaciously into the depths of the unknown.

But listen…

But look…

Did it disappear? Did it rise back to the surface?

It’s rusty. The yacht became damaged. Damaged from its experience.

But the yacht survived.


Appearance and how you feel about yourself 💗

9B1E29DA-304F-4F61-ADF0-3E04FF96BABFABE9E2ED-F66F-49AC-BAEB-1B9702CE9972Have you ever felt so doubtful about your appearance? Have you ever been bullied because of the way you look? I have – particularly throughout childhood because I had a hair pulling disorder. I was often called ugly and I synchronised this into my being that weighed down my self-esteem: Here’s two photos I’d like to share.

Remember; you are valuable – no matter what you look like. You have a breadth of talent within you that is waiting to arise from the heart.

No one can tells us who or what we can be 🌍 Come on a journey of self-discovery. Nothing is impossible. Be invincible 📄

You’re perfect the way you are 💙