Why I love Doctor Who📝

When I was bullied for my appearance as a teenager, was deprived from being able to socialise or have friendships in school I spent the majority of my life writing because it was something I could do to put my emotions into words. It was something I could mask my inner pain of the negative experiences I was experiencing in my home life. It was a gift of mine. I knew I was different from others but I often had self doubt about my abilities, I was overly compliant, I grew up in a negative environment although my parents did their best so it’s a miracle how my heart has remained whole, how my compassion is still there despite the way the world has suppressed my most inner desires and deprived me from my goals for being open-minded, for being a compassionate being, for being different. My hobby would be to isolate myself in my room and watch doctor who as a teenager.

I love doctor who because it has historic references, it shows how people make mistakes in life in creative ways, it is emotive in its deliverance of promoting love, feelings, pain. It is a programme of art. One of the most valuable experiences I’ve had in my life was meeting Billie Piper and being part of her new film that’s being released in the new year. I love her acting and how she portrays emotion. Billie Piper will always be one of my idols. She’s creative, she has strength and David Tennant is amazing as an actor. That’s the beauty of the programme of doctor who💕


What I appreciate about my life 💗

  • I have creative writing abilities and the ability to write books, the ability to understand mental health and the ability to be optimistic in the face of adversity.
  • I have the gift of compassion
  • I love creative writing
  • I enjoy helping the elderly
  • I want to start a domestic abuse project to help victims of subtle psychological manipulation
  • I value life and value equality and opportunities
  • I can read, write and have amazing ideas
  • I always pick myself up
  • I enjoy having emotions, I enjoy being human
  • I like to help loving people
  • I have achieved many qualifications in life as my education is my strength
  • I am emotive and can put my feelings into words
  • I challenge the stigma of mental health and hope for a better world

Emotions equal strength 💕 A creative piece.

I’m strong in myself. I tell myself that everyday. In between working through my self help books I’m writing blogs, creating new poems, new writing, new ideas, healing myself emotionally by letting the emotions out and not being afraid to shadow them to the outside world through writing. I’m not afraid to be alone. It’s peaceful. I’m comfortable with releasing my emotions healthily. I’m grateful I’m building myself a path. I’m grateful that the experiences I have endured has given me more of a reason to survive and to make something better of myself. I’m grateful for that because without the awareness I wouldn’t have the hope I do now. You may feel damaged at this point in time but this is an in the moment concept. It’s not real. It’s a delusion. This is just a false memory. This is just your brain coming to terms with recent events. This is just your brain processing experiences converging with the memory consolidation process. This is just your brain’s negative automatic thoughts that doesn’t have any association with your heart and personality. This is just your brain. The world is becoming clearer and clearer. Be comfortable.  💗


Goodbye – A poem

Goodbye to the old world, the world I see. Goodbye to the people who wouldn’t let me be.

Goodbye to our vision that foresees day and night. Goodbye to the seasons of darkness and light.

Goodbye to the presence of our inner soul, let it rise in to heaven where our truth can be told.

Goodbye to the hope that we contained in our hearts, Goodbye to the illusion that life tears us apart.


What is compassion? Daily techniques.

I’ve been working through my compassionate mind workbook written by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont when I came across the description of the word ‘compassion’ which cognitively changed my thought process from a negative to a positive:

“Compassion is a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to alleviate and prevent it” 

The questions I am exploring in the workbook presently are as follows:

1. Does the word ‘compassion’ have any negative associations for you?

2. List the situations or experiences where your old brain has been triggered; this means the normal emotions such as anger, irritability, guilt, sadness, joy, defensive behaviours such as fight or flight responses.

3. List your new brain competencies;

Imagination, planning, Rumination, Worry and Self-awareness.

4. List your old brain competencies;

Motives; harm-avoidance, competition, caring

Emotions; Anger, anxiety, sadness, joy

Behaviours; fight, flight and submission.



What is dissociation? What does it mean to dissociate?

Dissociation means to disconnect from one’s reality to survive further interpersonal trauma. It means to disconnect from our physical and emotional experience. It is the art of those who have experienced trauma. It’s a spaced out motion encapsulating our deepest negative memories and fears – we access our episodic memory in detail. It is a survival mechanism – our mind and body’s way of saying we have too much stress in our lives. Depersonalisation often coincides with dissociation as we lose control of our behaviour as we try and consolidate our negative experiences. Whether we are aware of it or not our minds as a borderline personality are constantly trying to find the balance to get back to a normal level of functioning and back to the here and now. We value ourselves as who we are in our hearts 💙📝


Compassionate Mind Training

A technique I’m starting to use for my own well being is compassionate mind training.

In compassionate mind training you have to ask yourself the questions that activate your flight and fight response and understand what drives you to behave in a certain way.

All humans share two main traits and that is survival and reproduction. The planet is millions of years old and we are destroying it with our selfish needs, we are building upon nature, we will face extinction if we keep doing the same negative behaviours that destroys the world as we know it. Nature is spectacular.

Our threat system can change the thought processes of the mind. Our bodies are designed biologically to look out for threats. It is designed to look out for danger and it is designed to reason, to think, to imagine, to create, to motivate and to be emotional. Millions of years ago people didn’t have these labels that are thrown on us in society. Normative social influence, conformity and obedience is one of the reasons why there’s more bad in the world than good – it’s because people are programming themselves through materialistic desires. We have all the technology in the end except we still criticise the people who suffer from mental health. We are supposed to develop. We are supposed to evolve. We are supposed to become abundant. We are supposed to share. We are suppose to build. We are supposed to do so many wonderful things.


A solemn night 💫

Chapter One

She took one last step towards him. Her heart jumped at the sight of her illusions. She was questioning herself. She was wondering by unexpectedly. She felt love for him with no understanding of why. This left her craving more. She realised she had absorbed his personality traits and her brain would never be the same.

It began on a cold winter morning. Owls hooted and crickets chirped.  The sun a pale yellow rising above the mist. The atmosphere was quiet and the air had a delicate warmth in its blow. I felt I had exhausted all efforts in trying to rebuild my life. I was lonely. But not lonely as in craving another person to fill my void, lonely as in lacking the capacity to make good appropriate decisions.  I had just left my family home after a disagreement. I felt abandoned, prejudiced, alone. I wanted to find a quiet spot to relax my thoughts and deal with my pain in solitude but everywhere I turned I had the darkest memories of pain reflecting images of anticipation in my environment. I didn’t see the world the way others did back then. I was avoidant. Avoidant of anyone who would bring me pain. Avoidant of anything that would disrupt my thought processes. Avoidant of anything uncomfortable that suffocated me. Avoidant of the my loving inner virtues like something had blocked my ability to love myself and who I was. I was confused. I couldn’t understand back then. I was seventeen. I had just finished my GCSE’s with a high mark in History.  History was my favourite subject because I liked the way evolution had evolved, how technology had camouflaged the art of survival. It was then I knew I still was using my primitive brain. I wanted it to be manipulated to blend in with social norms, I wanted it to stop being fearful of my past. I wanted by brain to stop being on the lookout for danger but it never complied with my conscience. It was then I moved back to my fathers. I had just come out of a relationship that didn’t end well. I loved this man a lot but I was too unstable within the relationship so he ended it with me. I felt rejected. I felt like I wasn’t deserving of love. He had a strong deameanour which I valued. It was never going to work out so that night I cried myself to sleep hoping that one day I’d have a stable relationship with value and consistency. It was then I met him. An unexpected encounter. I was about to embark on a destructive path.



Misconceptions of the borderline in relationships 💕

The borderline personality doesn’t refuse to let go, they will let go of someone that doesn’t return the love they give to others. They will message a person a lot to express their feelings and their values:    They love with intensity but they don’t expect maltreatment for being in intense pain. They want validation and acceptance of their genuine emotions. They want to be cared for by another individual. If their needs aren’t returned then this can cause them intense suffering. They fear losing the happiness or love that they have been so deprived from throughout their lives. They crave love, not attention. They crave you to return the love they do passionately want to give. If you have no intentions of committing to a borderline or creating a healthy balanced relationship you’re hurting that person even more. You’re not respecting that individual. You’re throwing them into the fire and shaming them. You’re doing the opposite of the borderlines inner most feelings in the root of their experiences and their personality. Borderlines give others chance after chance for you to love them. They’re lost souls deserving of love. They take their pain out on themselves because they’ve been bruised, they’ve been tortured in more ways than one. They’ve always done good for others but this wasn’t returned or they were accused of not being able to handle being alone. They are often alone because they’ve been neglected. They are often alone because others struggle to identify with who they are as people. They are often alone because society rejects them even though they have amazing abilities. An amazing ability to love the world despite their inner pain. They aren’t afraid to express their emotions. They choose to try live a life of laughter. They follow through with different ideas, goals and plans to try and heal within themselves. They have issues with anger because their brains are constantly hypervigilant and on edge. They want to feel they can be themselves and develop a good level of trust with one individual. Many relationships don’t appeal to the borderline because they want what matters to them. Love. They want the love they know they deserve.


The lonely tree 🌳

How many leaves does the tree lose before we notice it’s bare? Is it crying or is it smiling? Is it turning over a new leaf? How far does the trees roots twist into the soil of the earth? How much life does the tree have? Is it breathing in oxygen? How many times has the tree felt love and then been left alone? Do the maroon carvings on the tree bleed it’s traumatised history? How many seasons has the tree lived through? How many storms has it survived? Is it just a tree? Or is it a symbol of life?


Seasonal emotions 🖤💔


Harsh, cold & glacial and more night than day.  Fire logs and igloos, happiness at bay.


Soft crumpled leaves, brown and green. Rustling in linear with the wind, aggression is keen.


Sunlight and crystalline waters, a million rays of heat, invisible but loving, love is at peak.


Flowers and daffodils and gently blown grass, a mixed episode of weather, joy is certain to last.



Decisions decisions decisions

I often look back at the career choices I’ve made in the past. The subjects I chose to study. The health choices I made. I don’t regret taking a different path to what I should have taken because I wouldn’t have the awareness or the abilities I do have now and what I want to do with my life. I’m not interested in jealousy, bitterness, betrayal, or being the ‘same’ as everyone else. I’m interested in being myself and appreciating the arts, appreciating what I feel helps my emotional regulation. I’m not interested in recreational drugs or the toxicity of alcohol. I’m interested in growth. I’m interested in learning to accept my mistakes and my wrongs. I’m interested in working through self-help books and creative writing and learning. If I could I’d study my whole life but then where would that lead me – study for the purpose of writing. Doing what I love. It’s a hobby. I want to contribute to society hence shared my recent experiences and described some emotions and mental health issues in creative writing form. Maybe because there’s a division between science and creativity? Maybe creative people can use both sides of their brain? Maybe creative people overthink because their brains don’t know what it’s like to be ‘normal’ or slowed down. When you write you have to expose a character’s vulnerabilities; you can end it on a cliffhanger? Would this bring the reader out in frustration? Or would it leave the reader reading more? How do words impact the reader? Are you able to appeal to the wider audience or is your audience specific? Are you often selfless but in pain? Is your imagination a source of intellectual ability or the power of limbic resonance? Do you question and draw opinions of different themes to any given situation? Do you over-analyse? These are all powerful qualities we can improve. I for one can be very contradictive in my writing to expand upon my current views but in writing we can edit, we can build on the new that matches our most unconscious desires.