Writing is your safe place

Whenever you feel suppressed or controlled by the world, writing is your safe place. The art of putting feelings into words is a talent in itself.

Been judged recently? Been ridiculed and criticised? Been compared? Been discarded like you don’t even matter?

There will never be another you. People cause the most pain and they can either break us or make us. You’re not the opinions of those who judge you. You’re not a label. You’re a human being with a passion to be part of this world.

Having emotion isn’t a burden. It means you have compassion – a quality that most people have to artificially create. . .

I’m happy today because I’m not in a breakdown. My brains calm. I’m happy and comfortable alone. And I’m not in the state I was in a year ago so I’m already healing.

You can too.

🥰💖

The Calm After The Storm

We all have fears or insecurities that we try so desperately to overcome that can manifest in our existence in so many ways.

Stress does a lot to your outlook. Well the guy who said that stuff about me said he didn’t mean it as struggling with his own issues. I took it to heart a lot more than I should so I allowed that to hurt me and bring me down because I care. That’s the problem, when you care too much, you do get hurt.

I was worried I would go back into a breakdown like I did last year where I would swing from a high to a depressed state within a day and my brain would be both depressed and euphoric at the same time.

This guy doesn’t even realise his worth. But it has taught me not to be anxious although there’s always two sides to every story. I only wanted to know where I stood and even my GP confirmed that but he said I was having a severe stress response to the situation. So I thought, ok well that means my trust levels are low, I’m still not fully healed from my past experiences because they’re brought back to the surface. I didn’t love him though. I only knew him a couple of months and relationships take time and patience to build. I could feel his good presence though. It’s a shame because I was just instantly attracted to him and that is mega rare for me.

Some people come into our lives to teach us. The lesson I’ve learnt from this experience is I have been defining myself by my mental illness, putting up a protective barrier to avoid pain and hurt but creating more of it because I am focusing on what I want to avoid.

Ok, I’ll never get a chance with this person again and will have to move on but we barely knew each other so maybe it’s time we didn’t share so much of our broken pieces but share what makes us whole again and the importance of self-love.

Precipitation

Time does not have a value. We as humans created that value by adding hands on a clock and calculating the sunrise to the sunset.

Money does not have a value. We created that value by pricing everything that we deem a human would need.

So what is value?

Value is your family, your friends. Family is the ability to share hope to the world and give out light.

Value is loving yourself deeper than anyone else has whilst not being arrogant or self-absorbed.

Value is appreciating every moment we have in life.

Value is not bringing others down.

When a borderline is told they’re a narcissist.

Okay, so this was a message I received from this really nice guy when I wanted to know where I stood.

He believes this generation cant handle anything and we are all emotional people that social media has created a mental health crisis.

Not exploiting this person in any way because only narcissistic people do that to make themselves feel better about hurting others but the message really got me thinking. I went mad at him. I went mad because I have dealt with narcissistic abuse but then I realised I was behaving narcissistic by attaching myself too quickly to him because I wanted love and company. Not an ideal love though, a genuine reciprocal relationship. I realised that it was in fact my fault because I still wasnt ready for a relationship but I became hurt. I had emotional flashbacks of events I had in my past. I had severe anxiety and stress response for 5 days. I got signed off work. I knew that part of bpd is texting a lot because we are so used to abandonment we try and prevent that from happening so I put myself down.

I put myself down because 1. I finally met a nice guy. 2. I wasnt ready. And 3. He now has this vision of me that is ironically “emotionally unstable” so I allowed my mental health illness to define me rather than me as a person.

He did not want to hurt me he said beforehand but after I told him about my bpd he slowly began walking away so I would ask have I done anything wrong or ask him where I stand a lot because that fear was holding me back.

I apologised to him because I know its my fault and I want healing so i went to my GP and said “I need to know if I’m a narcissist” and showed my GP the messages between us because if I did have the rare personality disorder like my father then I’d rather it be cured. But the fact I was asking is enough to say I didnt but what my GP did notice was I was having a PTSD attack.

It is now that I’ve realised that it’s not other people trying to hurt me but in fact my past playing over and over again in my present relationships. I have stable periods when I’m single but in a relationship I can have intense emotional reactions. I feel alot calmer when I’m alone but my bpd makes me want to be loved sooner rather than later. My complex PTSD wants me to avoid that so I’m constantly living in this push pull time frame.

But at least I know now it’s possible to meet a nice guy. And although he hates me now I’ll have to learn from this and focus on how to heal and have healthy relationships.

Echolalia

I let myself down again recently. I met this really nice guy and one thing lead to another.

We are both struggling differently but I can’t help but be worried about him and hurt at the same time. Two broken people can’t fix each other. Two broken people can’t find the light it has to come from ourselves.

Last year I spent Christmas Day alone, crying my heart out. I wasn’t invited by my family and I just cried in my apartment and I moved to be closer to family so I can have that love and support. They don’t want to know.

I know others go through a lot worse in life and are stable and calm about everything but I’m too emotional. It’s like I’m grieving people who are alive, fearing abandonment. I’m like a scared little monkey in a cage. I wish there was support out there but down south the doctors were saying that I was too intelligent for the support. I knew too much. How is that?

I may have a high IQ which can account for capacity but I know what I need and that’s loving people around me. I’ve never had confidence before. I have no idea what that feels like. I have to fake happiness and confidence to fit in in life. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I was wrong. I feel bad because I shouldn’t have been stupid with someone I just met trying to fill a void I’ve masked for so long. When I found out I was just ‘sex’ I broke down. It’s how my ex left me. All he would want is sex and I didn’t have the respect for myself back then but I knew my BPD was hurting him and that was all my fault.

But it’s not this new guys fault. We both have separate battles and I care too much about others and forget about my own needs sometimes. The intensity of emotions can scare me. I’m in a shared house at the moment and in my own apartment before I use to self soothe cry myself to sleep and it felt sad but good because I was comforting myself and telling myself everything will be okay.

I need my apartment back. I need my own space. Its killing me and I can’t afford to right now. I dont want to be homeless again. I want one home, one life. I’m living in a time vortex like doctor who. I’ve let myself down. I’m worried about facing people on Monday – have two surgeries and one antibiotic drip so that’s increased my stress.

Sometimes I think about putting messages in a bottle to my future self and sending them out on the lochs.

We can’t expect others to understand how we feel all of the time because some people have life threatening conditions.

People automatically assume that mental health illnesses is just emotions but it’s not. It’s your brain not functioning properly, it’s you being so scared and afraid and fighting with your moods. It’s my fault because relationships are the worst triggers for a BPD. Once people laughed at me because I was impulsive and hit defence mode because I was scared of them hurting me and this nurse said “Ignore her, it’s her BPD”. I walked out the hospital that day crying wanting to end my life. But I didnt. I stayed alive for my siblings, my family, those who need me even if they don’t see how I am on their own accord. I stayed alive because I can’t hurt someone else. Ever. At least not deliberately.

Writing these blogs help me. It’s my self counselling because people will walk away if they hear my pain and get fed up of me because they have their own problems.

I’m an INFJ. We are complicated people. We love too hard and we are the 1% of the population.

I came to Scotland for a fresh start and unfortunately I let myself down because I can’t be myself when I feel unsafe and afraid of others and excluded and all these things that make me feel alone.

Everything is my fault because my trauma has shaped me into a scared adult that can’t even live a life. I struggle to make friends because I’m so different. I’m helping myself every day and to some people it’s not good enough. All I can do is apologise but I am broken and I might hide behind a smile but I’ve been like this my whole life so I cant tell people it will pass when it wont. I have to accept it and get on with life and find a different medication to shut off every emotion, write a book about my experience or do something so indignantly passionate that our hearts heal themselves.

I haven’t eaten in two days. I’m frozen on my bed because I’m afraid. Afraid of unexpected outcomes. Afraid of going through judgements and ridicule for being unwell permanently. It can be treated but it can’t be cured. It would be hard for health professionals to even understand. Am I an inspirational person?

I’ll let you decide..

Hope Is Stronger Than Fear

Hope is a gift. It shields us from the fears that collapse our walls and drown our souls.

Fear is something we collectively build up about something we don’t want to face.

People aren’t afraid of maintaining hope…

People are afraid of losing the hope they would hold on to…

I don’t think strength is being cold and showing no emotion and being bossy or self righteous….

I think strength is embracing who we are, what is wrong with us, standing up for ourselves and saying you know what…your opinions about my illness are just that…opinions.

The facts are we have to struggle every day of our lives trying to focus on the positive. We are afraid of people because we’ve been hurt too much.

When you develop a mental illness there’s no time frame to switch it off, there’s no off button, there’s just ourselves.

When I’m low I hide away but its only to get myself okay again so i can study and work again so I don’t have to face people and let myself down again and again.

People think I’m naive and stupid when they meet me because of how I fear others..they mock me, they laugh, I cry secretly about it but I comfort myself and that makes everything okay for a moment or two. They don’t know I’m fearing them they just see the effects of my flight and fight response.

To those who have ever mocked me. I’d love to be just like you, to not feel as strongly as I do. I’m sorry I’m not your type of person to be around but I’m one talented individual and I’m not a giver upper. I fight and I fight. I may close off for a few days but I fight because I have to accept this as a part of me to be able to accept myself…our God wants us to be strong and to look after the world, not to fight or breed pain. We can do this together.

A New Start

We all have a passion. A passion to make change, a passion to make a difference, a passion to shed the cobwebs that cloud our inner vision.

I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know who to turn to most of the time. I cried for twenty-four hours straight last night and missed work which is silly of me because I had to let out my emotions healthily. I wanted to disappear because I came to Scotland for a fresh start but I am always being told to hide how I feel, that’s its wrong to express emotion because we need to create stability in society. The whole world is in chaos right now. There’s a shift in peoples awareness.

Not one person called me to see if I was okay and I was crying and extremely down. I realised I dont have many people. I’ve been homeless twice in my life I’m constantly fighting for a place in peoples lives. Some of us just want to be loved. I’m broken with a heart of gold and I just wish that I had that balance. I don’t want to keep changing jobs whenever I have a bpd episode or lose people close to me when I’m depressed. I want to smile again. Properly. Some people crave money. I crave love and all the natural beautiful feelings people take for granted.

It’s a sad world. But I guess that is why I wanted to share my thoughts with the 200 followers I do have. So you’re not alone. So you can feel the words thread in your heart and make you whole again.

One day I’d love to set up a specialist Borderline Personality Disorder clinic where people can do drama therapies, arts and crafts, learn social skills, EMDR therapy. After my exams I’ll set up a business plan but people don’t understand BPD. We never know when someone can change and yes it hurts us but we have to be strong. We all have each other.

A day without sertraline 100mg

A day without sertraline for a BPD brings on sudden intense mood swings and changes to our brain’s biochemistry. It’s similar to someone coming along with a magic wand and transforming your character into someone you don’t even know or even worse, a ghost.

You begin to feel your emotions heighten without the medication. You experience emotional intense flashbacks. You just want someone to care but not to get too close. You want to hide in a dark room all alone and cry yourself into oblivion and ironically you enjoy it. You enjoy feeling again but you also remember the stability of being on medication. I was speaking to my cousin earlier and her local GP in Enfield said to her “Just be happy” even though she has bipolar and bpd? Like easy for them to say. Sometimes that can hurt those who take the courage to ask for help. Isn’t it about time that psychiatrists worked alongside general practitioners. After all, doctors examine the body but psychiatry examine the mind yet these blogs from the eyes of a sufferer helps research. It helps development to find a cure for all.

The Pain of the Borderline


Love hurts us all or should I say the wrong type of love. Love can make us feel afraid, feel desperate not to lose someone, or it can turn the other way.

Within an instant a borderlines pain can be extravagantly magnified in altitude to the point their pain is expressed in verbal threats which they don’t mean. Although this may classify as domestic abuse, the borderline is unwell. Domestic abuse is different. The perpetrator has capacity to know what they are doing but with the borderline their illness is preventing them from forming a singular identity and healthy relationships because they are afraid of what would happen next. Their anxiety magnifies but most of the time their words expressed in anger are defence mechanisms for comfort and support. It’s like they are screaming out for help wanting to feel validated, appreciated and loved. I think if we helped a borderline channel these negative feelings then we could heal them and their families. Love, patience and understanding is all it takes.

I am a borderline.

A mindful day

It’s been a while since I wrote anything at all that would influence the reader to be mindful of their surroundings and make a difference in this world so I’m going to start by discussing the phenomenon “The Secret” and explain the concept of mental health and mental illness.

I know what you’re thinking. How is philosophy and science related? We can’t measure the exact thoughts we have except our frequency can be examined. So let’s begin with explaining what the secret really is about.

The secret describes a law of attraction model where we can influence the circumstances, people and events around us just by thinking about it. I need to be really clear about this so the reader, as in you, understands properly. Okay so if we focus all our attention on something we want we are more likely to achieve it as our perception shapes the outlook of our universe except in regards to mental illness this isn’t that simple. It’s like when you lose an adult tooth. Its unlikely it will ever grow back because it’s not the mind but the body that teeth are part of. I bet you’re wondering well where am I going with this?

Really think about it. Take a second and to think well biological mental illnesses are part of the body but affect us mentally. Yes there are such things as chemical imbalances because I’ve felt it. I began to believe in the illuminati once and my outlook was beyond powerful. It was like I was predicting the future before its occurrence or that could have been a hallucination but can never tell.

Even though we have these great pholosophical concepts that keep us motivated to improve ourselves and our lives, we should never just assume that those with mental illnesses can just heal themselves by thinking about it because sometimes the illness is all theyve ever known so they don’t know how blessed it feels to live without mental illness.

Remember, keep science going and find new treatments. Less stigma and more understanding is a necessity.

The Borderline Expression

Do you ever see patterns? Patterns in life, in embroidery or even the night sky?

Patterns are everywhere. Our brains are wired to follow a specific pattern that is familiar to us, hence we may get ourselves in all sort of silly situations by being a little too trusting.

Borderlines tend to analyse and form new ideas based around these patterns. Borderlines can sometimes think at a higher frequency where their ideas come to light.

Take a trip to a waterfall and feel the air in the silent breeze. Think. Build your inner frequency.

A borderline breakdown

Here is the thing.

A borderline will have one breakdown and plea and ask for help but be rejected by those who support mental health as they believe it comprises their whole personality when this isn’t correct – research hasn’t been conducted efficiently enough to take note of the biological changes.

A borderline will pick themselves up and all of a sudden this will be seen as a sign of weakness to those not experienced the same mental health condition?

This is discrimination. This is something that the small minds are unable to understand so they form their own opinion and mistake your strength as a weakness.

Never let anyone tell you you can’t get better or change after a crisis. Build your hopes back up.

I believe in you.

Xo