I noticed a few things recently. I allowed myself to be used again; although I take blame for this, I left my job because I want to focus on my degree and my health. Yes it means less money, but health is more important right?
I’ve wasted my 20s wondering if I’ll ever be good enough for anyone but then I realised it wasn’t just my 20s that I was thinking that way. It’s been since I was 3 because I had such a volatile upbringing. Both my parents think its each others fault and blame each other and I’m always in the middle. Even as an adult and I want to break that cycle. I’m my own person. I should be entitled to make my own decisions but everytime I try I feel like I’m waiting for the next attack. Is this a PTSD effect or a BPD effect? I’m not sure.
I let myself down because I liked this man from work and took the courage to make an effort but I came across as clingy because I didn’t want to feel like I was making a mistake but I ended up getting upset over a few things he said to me and I could feel myself feeling scared again.
I had the decency to be honest to him. It’s my fault because I chose that person to trust but now I know better to protect myself. As Bob Marley said: A coward is someone who awakens someones love with no intentions to love her; (and same applies to women.)
People assume I’ve been in multiple relationships but I havent. I forgive my exes because one of my exes was there for me during my darkest moments and I’m not perfect myself. And it’s always been me fighting to have a part in that relationship but my new relationship has taught me it wasnt healthy or reciprocal.
I have met a lovely man recently who I don’t get angry with, who understands when I’m low and doesnt use it against me, who encourages me to be myself and for the first time in my life I feel safe. It’s a long distance relationship. He lives 500 miles away but we agreed to see each other one week every month and take it in turns to travel so we can both have some space to be ourselves and develop the trust and have the routine as we both want a relationship that is long lasting and both have a lot in common. I feel different with this man compared to my other relationships because theres trust there and I feel safe. I realised a threat to my personal safety is a trigger for my nightmares, a trigger for my depression and a trigger for my manic highs and depressive lows. Now I have that insight I’m finding a way to help myself better to avoid myself getting into silly situations.
Remember when you reach a low point in your life, the only person that can feel your feelings is yourself. I don’t see not having a job as a failure right now. I see it as it wasn’t the right job for me and a life lesson. I may have the knowledge but I need to build up my emotional stability to stop myself absorbing others feelings and emotions. This is probably why psychiatry have always been baffled and not accurately knowing what’s wrong with me since I was 3. Maybe I was born an empath and because empaths can not be empirically tested, science will reject these people even exist.
To all the people who hurt me, I only wish you to become better people and to stop hurting others.
We all have a gift to share with the world. It’s about finding our life purpose.