Looking back on 2019

I noticed a few things recently. I allowed myself to be used again; although I take blame for this, I left my job because I want to focus on my degree and my health. Yes it means less money, but health is more important right?

I’ve wasted my 20s wondering if I’ll ever be good enough for anyone but then I realised it wasn’t just my 20s that I was thinking that way. It’s been since I was 3 because I had such a volatile upbringing. Both my parents think its each others fault and blame each other and I’m always in the middle. Even as an adult and I want to break that cycle. I’m my own person. I should be entitled to make my own decisions but everytime I try I feel like I’m waiting for the next attack. Is this a PTSD effect or a BPD effect? I’m not sure.

I let myself down because I liked this man from work and took the courage to make an effort but I came across as clingy because I didn’t want to feel like I was making a mistake but I ended up getting upset over a few things he said to me and I could feel myself feeling scared again.

I had the decency to be honest to him. It’s my fault because I chose that person to trust but now I know better to protect myself. As Bob Marley said: A coward is someone who awakens someones love with no intentions to love her; (and same applies to women.)

People assume I’ve been in multiple relationships but I havent. I forgive my exes because one of my exes was there for me during my darkest moments and I’m not perfect myself. And it’s always been me fighting to have a part in that relationship but my new relationship has taught me it wasnt healthy or reciprocal.

I have met a lovely man recently who I don’t get angry with, who understands when I’m low and doesnt use it against me, who encourages me to be myself and for the first time in my life I feel safe. It’s a long distance relationship. He lives 500 miles away but we agreed to see each other one week every month and take it in turns to travel so we can both have some space to be ourselves and develop the trust and have the routine as we both want a relationship that is long lasting and both have a lot in common. I feel different with this man compared to my other relationships because theres trust there and I feel safe. I realised a threat to my personal safety is a trigger for my nightmares, a trigger for my depression and a trigger for my manic highs and depressive lows. Now I have that insight I’m finding a way to help myself better to avoid myself getting into silly situations.

Remember when you reach a low point in your life, the only person that can feel your feelings is yourself. I don’t see not having a job as a failure right now. I see it as it wasn’t the right job for me and a life lesson. I may have the knowledge but I need to build up my emotional stability to stop myself absorbing others feelings and emotions. This is probably why psychiatry have always been baffled and not accurately knowing what’s wrong with me since I was 3. Maybe I was born an empath and because empaths can not be empirically tested, science will reject these people even exist.

To all the people who hurt me, I only wish you to become better people and to stop hurting others.

We all have a gift to share with the world. It’s about finding our life purpose.


An Anxious Road

In life we all worry. We worry about what people think of us, we worry about little things – we just worry.

Anxiety is so so different. You start missing days. You crumble at criticism.. you hide away in your protective shell afraid of a ray of sunlight because you’re stuck in a mud puddle of residue.

Your head starts to buzz. It vibrates. It delivers traumatic memories to you in the present moment and you can’t stop it. You want to but it’s like your waiting to feel okay again and put your whole life on hold. You want to be there for others but you’re afraid they won’t like you. Slowly your friends disappear because you’ve been so consumed in your own thoughts that has immensely destroyed you inside.

Anxiety is real.


The thinking of the borderline.

Hours upon hours you daydream in to space; clusters of stars in your vision and anxiety in your core.

Then Silence. Then anticipation. Then sleep. 

You wake up in pain, afraid of what will happen next, feeling guilt about your mistakes, waiting for the next person to abandon you or pick on you.

And then it happens. 

You begin to feel worthless. That somebody you exposed your raw emotions to walked out on you. The colleague from work you trusted despises you. You start putting yourself down wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. Wondering if you’ll ever be the ideal image for someone else.

Ironic isn’t it? The “ideal self”; what is ideal anyway? You use projection as a survival tool which others find so paralyzing to understand because your pain is magnified to an intensity and projected in the outside environment as well as within the cobwebs of your synapses.

It’s important to know that borderlines don’t have an “Ideal Image”. They split and struggle to find a singular identities. Notice how I say identities?

Because the borderline is constantly shifting between their goals and aspirations. They’re psychotic symptoms during periods of extreme stress are mocked by the very people who are supposed to help them. How are they supposed to accept their emotions and moods need treating if you mock them for feeling a certain way because a borderline unintentionally gets angry and enters a crisis where they become detached from reality consumed in their very thoughts that tore them down to begin with.

A pillow soaked in tears and a disappearing friends list;

A feeling of self-blame and then suddenly outwardly blaming others believing that people are plotting to hurt them … and then someone does hurt them. They say horrible things. The borderline becomes self-reflected, alienated and lonely. A loss within oneself. Remembering traumatic memories. The brain vibrating at different levels of mood whilst your body floats in despairing emotions.

This is the borderline pain.



Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s association with politics.

Britain has voted for conservative to lead the United Kingdom for another five years. Amazingly, the majority of the voters were working class who have been on long demanding waiting lists.

This means far more pressure for us with mental health conditions as we will unable to get the long term intensive support we need to recover.

But why is Borderline Personality Disorder such a big issue and why is it stigmatised?

It is regarded as a disorder of  “personality” when it’s a disorder of mood and a disorder of interaction with others. The sad thing is, many people do not know what this means. It means during times of crisis when people are struggling, when they are having their anger outbursts, when they are being pushed out of their work environments, when they are bullied and told well BPD is who you are; remember BPD is an illness caused by trauma and the over diagnosis of this condition is markedly worrying because people with BPD are not dangerous, we are scared. Other personality disorders are nowhere near as debilitating than borderline personality disorder.

Let’s improve mental health care services and lessen the stigma. The only evil I see is the people making cuts on local services, cutting police numbers, damaging our NHS and neglecting the needs of the vulnerable. We are not defined by our condition. We suffer from our condition.

So I ask please kindly reblog this post to end the mental health austerity and formalise a whole new treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

We are in pain and we are struggling to heal.



Things the government can do to improve mental health:

1. Fund the social services and NHS

2. Stop the cuts of the disabled and the vulnerable.

3. Invest in a mental health allowance so during crisis instead of a company paying statutory sick pay the government can pay mental health allowance.

4. All pip and ESA assessments done by a medical professional and psychiatrist so people aren’t playing the system.

5. Build 24 hour mental health safe units for people to go to when they are in crisis and suicidal rather than spending months on waiting lists.

6. Provide social services with mental health training support because sociology and psychiatry are two different worlds and knowledge is power.



BPD and CPTSD are the same condition…here’s why.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD are often mistaken for one another.

Growing up I was bullied, endured repetitive abuse, became anxious, had a fear of people but it came to my attention recently what if these two conditions are the same condition?

Let me explain this from an ‘out of the box’ point of view. When you make a recipe such as spaghetti bolognese the ingredients you add or don’t add change the taste. Borderline Personality Disorder is described as originating from trauma and abuse whereas other personality disorders are described as existing before the age of four.

Why is CPTSD consistently mistaken for BPD but not any other diagnoses or personality disorders?

Is there a cure for the borderline afterall?

What if we change the recipe of the treatment methods…would we get different results? Yes, we would.


How do you want to be loved?

My idea of a relationship is someone who will never give up on you no matter how hard it is, someone who appreciates you for your flaws, someone who enjoys walks in nature with a kind loving heart, someone who thinks of me as worthy rather than an option.

Although we all dream of this the reality is quite lonesome. I’ve stayed single for an extremely long time because what I look for in a person are the emotions that money can not buy. In this society people expect you to not have any baggage, to bounce from one person to the next when I cannot be that person and I won’t. I will not have multiple relationships under any circumstances because that isn’t stability.

I haven’t met the right one yet and people say to me all the time that I’m beautiful and someone will be lucky to have me and I’ll find someone easily. If there’s no connection I will not sleep with them or waste my time because the last thing this world needs is any more broken hearts.

Yes I’m a borderline, it doesn’t mean we jump from relationship to relationship because we don’t. We stand and we deal. We fight for ourselves. We fight for love, compassion and to bring this world back to a sociable, loving state.

I have no apologies for who I am.

This is me.


Who do you choose to be?

Write a list of what you are grateful for even if you feel so low in the dumps. Actually look at the blessings that is surrounding you:

  1. The beauty of the natural world
  2. My family and friends
  3. My university
  4. My job
  5. My writing ability
  6. My acting ability
  7. My compassionate nature
  8. The ability to reprogram my mindset

Writing is your safe place

Whenever you feel suppressed or controlled by the world, writing is your safe place. The art of putting feelings into words is a talent in itself.

Been judged recently? Been ridiculed and criticised? Been compared? Been discarded like you don’t even matter?

There will never be another you. People cause the most pain and they can either break us or make us. You’re not the opinions of those who judge you. You’re not a label. You’re a human being with a passion to be part of this world.

Having emotion isn’t a burden. It means you have compassion – a quality that most people have to artificially create. . .

I’m happy today because I’m not in a breakdown. My brains calm. I’m happy and comfortable alone. And I’m not in the state I was in a year ago so I’m already healing.

You can too.




Time does not have a value. We as humans created that value by adding hands on a clock and calculating the sunrise to the sunset.

Money does not have a value. We created that value by pricing everything that we deem a human would need.

So what is value?

Value is your family, your friends. Family is the ability to share hope to the world and give out light.

Value is loving yourself deeper than anyone else has whilst not being arrogant or self-absorbed.

Value is appreciating every moment we have in life.

Value is not bringing others down.


A day without sertraline 100mg

A day without sertraline for a BPD brings on sudden intense mood swings and changes to our brain’s biochemistry. It’s similar to someone coming along with a magic wand and transforming your character into someone you don’t even know or even worse, a ghost.

You begin to feel your emotions heighten without the medication. You experience emotional intense flashbacks. You just want someone to care but not to get too close. You want to hide in a dark room all alone and cry yourself into oblivion and ironically you enjoy it. You enjoy feeling again but you also remember the stability of being on medication. I was speaking to my cousin earlier and her local GP in Enfield said to her “Just be happy” even though she has bipolar and bpd? Like easy for them to say. Sometimes that can hurt those who take the courage to ask for help. Isn’t it about time that psychiatrists worked alongside general practitioners. After all, doctors examine the body but psychiatry examine the mind yet these blogs from the eyes of a sufferer helps research. It helps development to find a cure for all.


The Pain of the Borderline

Love hurts us all or should I say the wrong type of love. Love can make us feel afraid, feel desperate not to lose someone, or it can turn the other way.

Within an instant a borderlines pain can be extravagantly magnified in altitude to the point their pain is expressed in verbal threats which they don’t mean. Although this may classify as domestic abuse, the borderline is unwell. Domestic abuse is different. The perpetrator has capacity to know what they are doing but with the borderline their illness is preventing them from forming a singular identity and healthy relationships because they are afraid of what would happen next. Their anxiety magnifies but most of the time their words expressed in anger are defence mechanisms for comfort and support. It’s like they are screaming out for help wanting to feel validated, appreciated and loved. I think if we helped a borderline channel these negative feelings then we could heal them and their families. Love, patience and understanding is all it takes.

I am a borderline.