My creative side awakens

I have my first ever dialogue feature film audition on Saturday. The thing I love about acting is you can portray just about any emotion in a specific context with a comprised script and become a character other than your own. Sounds cool? Maybe? Just?

I am so excited. If I pass the audition it means I’m eligible for equity of the movie that will be released nationwide.

I’m putting my all in to the audition to show the talent that I have. Of course we have to be open to rejection but acting and the creative arts are the occupations that never fail to lighten my heart.

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Conformity conformity conformity

If you’ve ever studied psychology then nine times out of ten you would have heard of Milgrams experiment.

If we want to dive deep into the consciousness of our souls we have to look at the social factors too.

Psychology says that a small group of people will conform to an authority figure even if they had done wrong.

Worrying isn’t it?

For example, let’s say a general practitioner failed in his duty of care for a patient and conflict arose. The patient is more likely to be viewed as the problem if the general practitioner gave a false account of events.

Isn’t this enough reason not to allow anyone to define you? Labels are supposed to guide us, help us and motivate us. Labels are not there for discrimination.

To build a better world it all starts from within. Let go of the weights that pull you down.

The world inside my head

I sometimes look back at my past decisions and think of ways I could change some of those decisions, although I always here the same advice: Life is about choices. But what if we made choices that we wouldn’t make if we were well within ourselves?

To me, life is about causality and effect. Holistic and integrative therapies are common in the western world that doesn’t always support the biological psychological theory of mental illness which is dangerous. It’s dangerous because if we are not encouragingly open then we can’t deliver change to future generations for better mental health care.

When I’m low I write a poem. My poems come through me instantly like someone is telling me what to write except it’s all my own work and I speak from the soul. It’s more like a psycho analytical therapy using this blog. I enjoy writing because it helps me balance my thoughts in a cognitive way even when my moods low and hard to handle.

I always wonder if I will ever be good for anyone. I worry about my illnesses affecting them. I worry that I won’t make the best girlfriend. I worry so much because to me love is special and I may have fallen for people who were not right for me in the past or the wrong circumstances I can’t imagine anyone falling for me. I don’t see it in my near future and it does put me off relationships.

My inner spiral

My inner spiral churns at every angle

Wanting freedom from brain captivity

Emotions on cue but moods not in alignment

She paces through the streets

Daydreaming and staring into the atmosphere

Time at a fast forward pace

Everything moving so fast

Ideas coming through like a bolt of lightening

No one understands

How deeply exotic the highs are

How worryingly submissive the lows are

If only she could turn off her moods

Keep hold of her positive emotions in balance with a blissful mood

She would be at peace

Within the Shadows

Within the shadows she lurks

Fighting to see the sun through the moonlight

Capturing her flaws and diminishing her evil

She sharpens her wand

Looking for her next ladybird

A treasure hunt you may say

Or a trip down memory lane

Where the fairies and the gnomes gather

Forming magical lanterns

To light their natural habitat

The Onlookers (Poem)

The ridicule from the onlookers

Towards those with a damaged mind

Reflecting the evil and exposing the suppression

Conformity of the closing blinds

 

What is it they’re asking?

What is it they’re mocking?

Something they don’t personally understand

But lingers in their twilight shadow

 

Crowds of laughter but tears full of pain

When they become those they laughed at

Their hearts will fill with shame

 

A Day In The Highlands

It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog although today I thought I’d share some wonderful news.

I’ve moved to Scotland although I’m happier emotionally my depression is slowly creeping back, bleak and hollow, sleepless nights and vibrating minds. I get suicidal thoughts every couple of days but distract myself although I’m in control in that scenario. I know it’s my brain just unwell and poorly and it gives me the motivation to beat through it. . .

I’ve met a few of my housemates who are lovely, did some food shopping and wrote a list of wellbeing groups to attend. I am finally settling into my new home although there is one person I miss wholeheartedly. My ex partner. I dont care about what happened between us in the past. He was a diamond in a sea bed of rocks. I always saw the best in him and love him so much although it’s not a possibility to ever get back together it’s like saying goodbye to a good friend.

I shouldn’t have fallen back in love but you can’t stop yourself from just feeling so passionately about someone. I guess that’s life. I suppose that’s why I get annoyed when others consider me to be narcissistic because of my borderline personality disorder when I’m the complete opposite – I feel too much and love too much and it sends my brain into overdrive in a mordernised society although it’s possible to fall in love again but for now it’s settling down in my new home ♡